An Amazing Zen Retreat

Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. In this episode you will hear about An Amazing Zen Retreat.

                                                                                       
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Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #226 of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about An Amazing Zen Retreat.

An Amazing Zen Retreat

I sat down, crossed my legs to meditate. The sitting position was uncomfortable, and closing my eyes for twenty to thirty minutes was boring and annoying. I began to think it was a wasted trip. I had wanted to take it several times before, but I did not. I wanted to leave, but the rules were to stay put until the end. I begrudgingly complied. I decided to bear with it because it took me two hours to get to this serene place surrounded by beautifully manicured greenery. The least I could do was to enjoy the scenery!

The meditation exercise began quickly. I sat on a mat and a pillow, which were uncomfortable. Sitting and crossing my legs for long was not comfortable. I decided to grant myself permission to sprawl my legs in front of me because it was a much more comfortable position for me. This small act brought to my attention the question of doing what works for me or following norms. I tried to follow the norm, but I had to do what worked for me, at least most of the time, but I did weave back and forth. Nobody said anything to me, so the problem was not about acceptance from others, but about me being okay with myself!

Closing my eyes to do nothing, I enjoyed the quietness with no demands. However, it didn’t take long for me to get bored and annoyed with the exercise. Since I didn’t have my watch on and my eyes were closed, I did not know how soon it would take me to get bored. However, I knew I would quickly get bored with anything slow. I began to think about driving a jeep in the forests of Guam and having a jolly old time with my friend Elsa, because that is a trip we plan to take in a couple of months. I almost chuckled out loud, thinking of a bouncing and bumpy ride we’d have, and that going through a forest jungle was on my bucket list. I tried to empty my mind as I thought that was what I was supposed to do in meditation, but my mind automatically thinks ceaselessly. 

The unexpected heavy rain outside beating against the windows was loud. The sound was soothing and relaxing, but my thoughts escaped to another place. How wonderful it would be to have a lover caress me and touch me with gentle kisses all over me; I would enjoy such romance through the raindrops beating against the windows. I smile; I have a wonderful imagination!

I continued listening to the rain sounds; it was indeed enjoyable. I noticed that when I focused on listening to it, I stopped with my random thoughts. I got present to the present and realized I could appreciate what was before me because I was in the present and enjoyed the simple and natural occurrence of rain. I smiled; I got an insight!

The uncomfortable sitting and boredom of doing nothing disappeared as I got something out of the meditation. Finally, it was lunchtime! Since I left the house at six-thirty in the morning to get there by eight-thirty to check in and attend the retreat at nine o’clock, I was famished and ready to eat! But things moved in slow motion. We needed to line up and wait in the buffet-style line. Feeling lectured to get only what would be necessary to fill our stomachs, we needed to be mindful of how much we took. It was a good suggestion, but I still didn’t like to be told!

I sat down ready to eat because I was hungry, but I needed to wait as I saw no one had started to eat. Soon,  a volunteer said, “Okay, notice the colors of your food, notice how it looks. Now choose your first piece of food, put it in your mouth, and note its texture. How does it go down your throat? Choose your next piece of food, eat it slowly, and feel how it feels. What are your taste buds telling you?” After that, we were to eat at our own pace. We ate silently, facing the window and enjoying the rain beating on the windows. We did not face anybody; I suspect the seating style was deliberate. I believe the silence was to force us to be present to the process of eating, feeling it, and appreciating that it nourishes our body. I think we didn’t face people while we ate, so we could concentrate on eating instead of socializing and not noticing the feeling of eating wholeheartedly, as we would probably focus on a conversation more than the process of eating. Good point, I say. It was a good reminder to be present in the present and to enjoy it. There are many things to enjoy in the present, including daily activities like eating and natural phenomena like listening to the rain!

My unstoppable mind still managed to have a thought aside from being in the present to feel the textures of food and taste what I tasted. The last time or the first time I remember going through such an exercise was when it happened by accident. It was eight o’clock in the morning when I poured cereal and milk into a bowl to eat breakfast. I ate in slow motion for days, because I was too weak to lift the spoon, put food in my mouth, and chew. My boyfriend of nine years had confessed to cheating on me. The betrayal sucked all the energy out of me and I found the task of eating all too difficult. Forced to eat slowly for lack of energy, I found myself noticing the texture of oats and the coldness of milk splashing down my throat. That was the beginning of my being present to the present. The Zen retreat reminded me to be present for everything, including mundane daily tasks like eating.

After lunch, a volunteer handed a broom and dustpan to me. What? I was immediately annoyed. I shouldn’t have been surprised because I knew about monasteries or temples where monks often swept the floor. Still, I reacted with disdain. I swept the large main room, which I guess was about two thousand square feet. I began to tire, and she told me to sweep three hallways. It irritated me. I noticed my reaction. I wished I were more benevolent, but I didn’t like doing it. The floors were already clean with a few bits of dirt and didn’t need sweeping. I suspect they didn’t need me to clean the floor, and it was an exercise for me to learn something. I previously discovered that it was a relaxing activity if I had a headache from the noise of children in my classroom after a long day of work. Sweeping the room did help relieve the strain in my head. I suspect monks did it to clear their heads or practice calmness. Still, I was irritated that I did so much sweeping.

I saw two other people in my group slowly walking around and doing nothing. The volunteer didn’t have them do anything. Did she run out of brooms and dustpans? Was it because I was the first to be ready for the activity, I got to do the most work for the longest? Now, I was angry! It was unfair. Not only did I do more work, but the root of my disdain surfaced.

I could enjoy sweeping my house because I like a clean house. I don’t mind cleaning up after myself. But if I have to clean up after other people’s messes, the bubbles in me boil over. I did not find any comfort or relaxation in sweeping because I was cleaning up after other people’s messes and felt it was unjust. There’s an idiom called “cleaning someone else’s butt.” I hate it! Too often, I do it at work. No wonder I was angered so much! However, what can I learn?

At work, I understand that it is to help others who cannot solve their problems, and I became the person people turned to for help because I could do the tasks. Still, I resented it. However, my anger is not good for me; it certainly doesn’t feel good. I believe Zen is trying to teach me something. It is trying to teach me to be more giving, benevolent, and compassionate. Yes, I am aware that I need to be more of that. I resent that, too! Why?! Because little was given to me as a child, teenager, and even as an adult! It’s like revenge. As a child, I was left to fend for myself. Others didn’t give to me, and so I didn’t want to give to others. The child in me sometimes still wants to fight back! 

I have become more caring and giving to others, especially since I went to Bhutan, a Buddhist country, over ten years ago. Also, I think my job requires me to be more compassionate and giving to be an effective manager. I believe my position gives me the opportunity to practice it daily, which is good karma. In the end, I did learn a lesson from the sweeping activity in the retreat.

After all the sweeping, I got to sit down to enjoy the view from the front door of the Zen Buddhist center. The doors opened wide for all participants to sit and observe the scenery before us for fifteen minutes. We silently observed the trees, bushes, and other plants. Rectangular rocks surrounded a rectangular area of small plants. In the middle was a medium-sized statue of Buddha. We saw many trees of different varieties, sizes, and heights away from the center across the road. The sky was completely white with no sign of a blue sky. The rain had stopped, but I could not find any sunshine or blue skies peeping out from the clouds.

After fifteen minutes, volunteers gave us charcoal, paper, and a clear plastic frame to draw what we saw before our eyes. Everyone drew in silence as all activities were purposely done in silence. When I finished my drawing, I set it on a table and could not help but look at the drawings others had made. I returned to look at them again as more people laid their drawings down. I looked for more details a third time and was amazed at what I saw. I had a little judgment, noting that it was the work of artists, and mine was the worst representation of an artist. I did a second and third viewing because I was amazed. I was astonished at how we all saw the same scenery, yet we all drew different pictures. It was incredible!

Some drew only a section of the scene instead of the whole scene. Some did not have many details, while others did. One even drew the statue gigantic and dwarfed everything else. The display of drawings surprised and astounded me. It blatantly reminded me that every individual is unique in what they see. This activity reminded me that we all have our own perceptions and perspectives, so why do we constantly fight over who has the right perspective or demand that others see our perception as correct? We need to appreciate the beauty of our differences! Lesson learned again. Others don’t need to agree with me, and I don’t need to agree with others. I only need to appreciate and accept the variety I see and take what I wish. The more I understand and value, the calmer feeling I find. And I am on the road to happiness. Feasting and satisfying my eyes, I thank the display of drawings I saw.

The next activity solidified my notion that we all have different views, thoughts, and feelings. But I learned something more. With two pieces of paper, a plastic board, a paintbrush, and a palette of different colors on the table before me, I sat. Instructed to listen to a snippet of a piece of music, we were to paint as we wished. We chose our colors to use and whatever we wanted to paint. I had never experienced such an activity before and was glad to have had this new experience. A second piece of music played, and we painted a second painting. The first piece sounded soft and soothing. The second piece sounded joyful and upbeat. Each time I finished my paintings, I glanced at what others did. Like the drawings we did earlier, each was uniquely different. However, my reaction was slightly different this time, so I was reminded of something again.

The soft and soothing music made me think of flowing water, so I painted many blue curving lines to show the flow of water. I could not understand why some people used big splashes of yellow, orange, or red because I didn’t deem those colors to represent calmness. I made them wrong. My self-righteousness reared its ugly head. I was right, and they were wrong. Luckily, I caught and grabbed the evil head of self-righteousness and pushed it back. I reminded myself that we all think and view things differently. So, who am I to tell others that their painting is “wrong?! I am not the queen of the world, and I have no right! I remember that there are many things in which there is no right and wrong, and there is only what we deem or choose to label. The activity reminded me to view differences as the variety and spice in life rather than the right or wrong we label.

By the end of the Zen retreat, I was clear about what I wanted to do. I want to learn and understand more of the ideas I got from the retreat. I shall practice being in the present and being in the moment more often. I shall appreciate nature, daily activities, and every moment more often. I shall value each person’s individuality and accept the differences more often. I shall understand different perspectives and perceptions more often; they enrich my life. I shall give more often and be less selfish, not because it is the good or right thing to do, but because kindness, compassion, and generosity can only help make our world more peaceful, happy, and beautiful.

Key Takeaway: Though I initially thought it was boring and wanted to leave in the morning, I stayed all day to find peace and fulfillment in the retreat.

Next week, you will hear a new real-life story called Radio Dreams. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!