Unloved because Unallowed

Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. In this episode you will hear about Unloved Because Unallowed.

                                                                                       
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Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #221 of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Unloved Because Unallowed.

Unloved Because Unallowed   

One regret of the dying is that they did not allow themselves to be loved or to love another. Love is precious and beautiful like diamonds; who doesn’t want to be loved or to love another? Doesn’t everyone want to be loved or to love? As soon as I asked, I realized I had not allowed myself to love and be loved many times; how could I want love so much and simultaneously reject it? Puzzled, an examination of this regret of the dying and myself was in order because I didn’t want to be on my deathbed and have such a regret.

Keith asked me to marry him, but I had other things to do first. Evan proposed, but I didn’t feel the same love for him as he did for me. Teo threw me into a tailspin when he asked, and I was unprepared for him. Russ asked with no follow-through. Devin asked, but I didn’t believe him. Anson asked; I asked to see a ring to believe him. He gave me one, and I accepted. Many suitors loved me deeply, but it took six marriage proposals for me to realize that I was loved. Before that, it took my travel buddy Lydia to ask me how I got five marriage proposals for me to ponder why I got the proposals. I didn’t have the answer when she asked; worse, I was unaware I was rejecting love. I only thought something was not right for me, so my answer was usually no.

The boyfriends of the past loved me, but I never really believed in their love. I found reasons or evidence to prove they didn’t love me, so why would I marry them? Keith always had a wandering eye, yet he asked me a number of times; I could not trust that he would be faithful to me. Teo wanted me too quickly and didn’t know me well, so why did he want me to marry him? Russ asked too soon without knowing me well. He was sure I was the one after only a month, but I did not feel any care for my well-being or any affection from him, so did he really love me? Devin asked me several times but did not take action with a ring. Anson was the only one who took action, but after I married him, he turned into a monster, someone who was controlling, anal, verbally abusive, and had an explosive temper. How could the way he treated me be called love? Though I believe I had valid reasons to question all my suitors’ love for me, something inside me told me they didn’t truly love me or couldn’t love me.

Kellie, Stella, Bianca, and Alena were people I worked with for some years. I couldn’t say I had a close relationship with them. I could only say we worked together and communicated as needed. To me, it was perhaps more than an acquaintance, but not friends. We saw each other nearly daily, but that did not mean much to me; it was only work. So, it baffled me why they cried when I left. One even cried four times. They looked like real tears of distress and sadness; I did not understand why they cried. I did not shed a tear; I was angry and wanted to leave. I saw no love from my side or their side.

I didn’t believe the people I worked with on the job could have any love for me. They were just co-workers, so how could there be love? I only thought they were sad because they lost someone who wouldn’t be there to solve all their work issues. I was only wanted for my usefulness and not because anyone really cared about me. Though I saw the tears, they didn’t move me. They couldn’t love me because it made no sense to me. Perhaps I was too angry to see their love, but I couldn’t believe they could love me. Something inside me told me not to fall into the trap of thinking they could love me.

Grandma Sandy, the one who raised me for ten years, was loving and caring. She cried as she waved goodbye to me when I went off to college. I knew I would see her again, so I did not understand why she cried. It never occurred to me that she loved me and would miss me. I only thought she did her job to care for me since her daughter, my mom, didn’t do it, and she was a sensitive person. It’s disturbing to know now that I was unaware of my attitude and did not show much love for my grandmother, whom I did appreciate for raising me into a decent person.

I knew Grandma Sandy loved me, and she did show it in all her caring ways. She taught me how to be a good person and taught me history lessons about her home country. She taught me how to do many things in the house. As a child, she always bought me a dress, a birthday cake, a birthday hat, party favors, and my favorite foods for my birthday. I couldn’t ask for a more loving grandmother, but I always thought she was doing her “job” as a grandmother or making up for the love and care my mother, her daughter, didn’t give me. I couldn’t say there was a lot of warmth from my side. Something inside me told me my grandmother was only being a responsible guardian to me and didn’t really love me.

After surviving over half a century, it occurred to me that all the boyfriends who proposed, all the co-workers who cried for my departure, and my dear loving grandmother who raised me loved me. It has been difficult to grasp the possibility. I never believed anyone could love me. My belief had a tight grip on me. The grip is like super glue; it has been challenging to sever from the tightness.

Mom sent me away at one and five to two grandmothers. This one act made by Mom has affected my entire life, giving me nearly a life sentence. The five-year-old me had long decided that I was not worthy and not lovable because my mother tossed me out. Imprisoned, I worked hard to be self-sufficient to prove that I didn’t need anyone. I found my way to college without the help of any family member. I got my degrees, a career created from wanting to make a difference for kids, houses, cars, and even a business. I struggled hard for all my accomplishments and was probably driven by determination because I wanted to prove that I was worthy. Yet, it never seemed to be good enough. No relative ever praised me for my accomplishments. The unworthiness seemed to persist. I was stuck in jail. 

After sharing my proposals with my travel buddy Lydia, she gave me a lot of food for thought. I never believed my serious ex-boyfriends loved me. It didn’t matter what they did to prove their love; I found reasons to prove that they did not really love me. I would even find ways to break up with them before they had the chance to abandon me. I was already once abandoned by my mother, and I refused to be abandoned again. Love seemed to evade me. I thought myself to be unlovable; I was still in jail.

Though I had six marriage proposals, a number higher than the average, I thought myself most unfortunate because I am alone now. My friends say I am too picky, and maybe I am. Love is such a beautiful thing, so why is there the fear of love? With love, heartbreak can come. I loved deeply, and my heart was broken. I picked up the pieces and put myself back together. I finally loved deeply again, and once more, my heart was broken into smithereens. It has taken many years to heal. The joy of love seems all too short, while the pain of having loved seems all too long. I ponder its worthiness. Am I still in jail?

My dear Grandmother Sandy loved and cared for me, but I only thought she was doing her “job.” Only after her death did I feel bad that I was not by her side in her last days. I didn’t get the chance to properly thank her for everything she did for me. She made a difference for me. She gave me my values, identity, and abilities, but most importantly, she gave me love. I thanked Grandma Sandy when I stood before her open casket. I thanked her again and could only hope she heard me. I am sad that it is only in hindsight that I can appreciate the love she gave me, and I wish I had shown her more love. Better late than never to know it.

Older and wiser, I jump out of my self-imposed prison. The five-year-old me did not know I locked myself away and threw away the key. My heart was also locked up, but I somehow escaped jail at least two times. The teenage me and the mid-life me fell madly in love but returned to prison when my heart was broken. Trapped in jail, I became aware of my abandonment issues and habit of initiating breakups, but I finally stood up to them. No more, I say. I declare I want to love, and I want to be loved. Even if love shows up in small moments, I’ll take them. Small moments are better than none. I have courage, so I can love and shall do so more often without question. I open my self-imprisoned jail door. I open my arms to life, to love. Life can only be more beautiful with love. I shall not die regretting that I did not allow myself to love or be loved more often.

Key Takeaway: Though I felt unloved and did not allow myself to love fully, I do not want that regret when I die.

Next week, you will hear a new real-life story called Almost Impossible. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!