Getting Set Up

Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Getting Set Up.

                                                                                       
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Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #215 of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Getting Set Up. 

Getting Set Up

Mom knew nothing about my love life, yet she decided to set me up. Leslie had a steady boyfriend and wanted me to have one, too, so she set me up. Shelly's husband had a good friend, and she tried to help him get a girlfriend, so she set me up. All these people set me up, but I already had a boyfriend.

Mom was rarely in my life, but she was in town one day and decided to set me up. She found someone she thought could "match" my qualifications and was proud of herself. She told me that she met a couple with a son who was studying for his Ph.D. She finally found someone who had or would have a higher degree than mine. Mom said it was difficult to find a Ph.D. guy, but that was her requirement, not mine. She wanted someone who had a higher degree than my Masters Degree. Since the guy did or would, she was satisfied and arranged the date. I complied but had no intention of taking any interest and was determined to make it a one-date deal. After all, who wants to be with a guy their mom set them up with?

Mom, a husband and wife with a Ph.D son, and their son and I met at a restaurant. The lights were a bit dim, and the table was round. These points would soon matter to me. No one seemed to bother to look at the menu first. All eyes were on me. The couple stared at me and smiled at me. They told her son and me to talk; we sat beside each other and talked uncomfortably. We both knew we were set up and did what the parents wanted. How could we have a pleasant conversation when three pairs of eyes stared at us?

Soon, Mom asked me to go to the restroom with her. She wanted to tell me what the couple thought of me. Mom reported that the couple liked my fair and smooth skin; they thought I was beautiful. They liked my polite manners and quiet demeanor. With those few observations, they approved of me. 

After Mom gave her report, we returned to our seats and looked at the menu. With three pairs of eyes constantly staring at us as we ate and conversed softly, I was glad when dinner was over. As we waited for the couple to foot the bill, the Ph.D guy asked me to call him if I was interested.

I don't remember his name or his face. I never called him and didn't like that he asked me to call him. I quickly forgot him, but today, I remembered him as I was thinking of one-time dates! Regardless of his personality or characteristics, I did not venture to find out because I had strong objections to the union. 

I was not going to support someone studying for his Ph.D. and not working. I worked too hard to finance my undergraduate and graduate degrees by myself. I wanted someone who could care for themselves and not depend on me. I struggled too long depending on myself and was not about to have anyone rely on me! His parents were paying for his education, so I doubted he would understand my struggles or demand for independence. I refused to connect before it could even begin.

I was also not going to give Mom any satisfaction in finding me a boyfriend she liked or approved of. Her satisfaction would be my dissatisfaction. She rarely did anything for me other than give me birth, so pleasing her was not at the top of my list. Being with the Ph.D guy would constantly remind me of how I met him: Through my mother! And that would bring too many negative thoughts that were extremely painful. All in all, it was a disaster before it could even begin, and I averted it.

I met my dear friend Leslie when she was looking for someone to replace her on her rental agreement with several other roommates in college because she would graduate. Soon after she graduated from college, she married her college sweetheart. Like many married couples I knew, they wanted their friends to be married like them. 

Though Leslie only helped me secure an abode in my last year of college, we clicked and kept in touch. One year later, I graduated and moved to another city. Leslie was but one hour away from my town. She asked if I was going to marry my boyfriend. I said we were not there yet, so Leslie offered to set me up with an engineer with a stable income and a car. Where did she find this guy? Her husband had many friends, all of whom were engineers. She said, "You are not married yet, so you are available!" I agreed to be open to more opportunities.

Henry drove an hour to come pick me up. I was happy because I didn't have a car then and didn't need one. Using public transportation was more convenient while living in the city. Henry, who lived in the suburbs, could not understand how I could not have a car. I don't remember where we went or what we talked about. But I remembered what he harped about! "How could you do without a car or go anywhere without a car?!" expressed Henry. I explained, "If I had a car, it would be difficult to find parking in this city."  I did not mention that I didn't want to spend my money on a car or that I didn't even have a driver's license yet. If he knew, he might have blown his stack! Maybe he was annoyed at how far he had to come to pick me up. Needless to say, I did not enjoy our conversation or time together.

After my date with Henry, Leslie quickly called me to give me an update from her husband, who was friends with Henry. It was worse than I thought, but I didn't care because I did not want to see Henry again. Leslie reported that he could not understand why I didn't have a car and thought I couldn't go places without one. I told Leslie it was okay because I was uninterested in seeing him again. She said, "But he is a loser! I told my husband to tell him that you have been to more places than he would ever go! Doesn't he know there are trains, planes, buses, and other modes of transportation to get to places? Did you tell him about all the places you have been to, and you got there without a car?" said Leslie. "Calm down, Leslie. It doesn't matter, I won't see him again, and he doesn't need to understand,” I responded. And that was the end of another one-time date. I learned that Henry was narrow-minded, and Leslie stuck up for me and was a good friend.

Shelly was a co-worker who didn't know me well but knew I was not yet married, so she asked me if I was willing to meet a guy who was her husband's friend. She explained that he was a quiet and shy guy but a good person. Shelly told me a few things about him and discovered we had been to the same college. Shelly said she would have a social gathering at her house for us to meet so it would not be awkward. She had it all planned out and was meticulous with some details to ensure it was not evident that it was a setup. I can only guess that if the guy knew, he would not agree to it.

Gathered at Shelly's house, I met Vincent. Shelly told him which college I attended, which was the same as his, but he did not connect with me. Vincent did not engage in much conversation with me, even though Shelly helped us start a conversation with each other. I could only guess that he was uninterested or was as shy as Shelly said he was. I was shy myself, so I understood and didn't take offense. Anyway, I could talk to other people at the house gathering.

After a few hours, people began leaving. Shelly asked Vincent to give me a ride home. Shelly had planned this idea in advance so that Vincent would have another opportunity to interact with me. Since I didn't have a car, I was happy to get a ride home. To my surprise, as Vincent drove me home, about half an hour's ride, he asked me questions and seemed comfortable conversing with me. Alone together, he did not seem quiet and shy. He is like me! We don't talk much in crowds, but we can talk up a storm one-on-one; I suppose that is the nature of an introvert.

We talked about his profession and my career. We talked about my bilingualism because he wished he was bilingual and could connect with his father better. I enjoyed the interesting things we discussed, but the ride was soon over, and the conversation had to end. Luckily, Vincent invited me to a public speaking club with him, and I accepted. Two shy people who like public speaking; isn't that interesting! 

Vincent and I went to the public speaking meeting, where I enjoyed hearing others give a speech, including Vincent himself. Afterward, about two dozen of us went out to dinner together. Our two large round tables of noisy but joyful chatter filled the room. I felt no pressure to make conversations, and plenty of people were talking; I happily soaked in the jubilant ambiance and enjoyed sitting in a cramped spot next to Vincent.

Two weeks passed by without a word from Vincent. I thought we had such good conversations, why didn't he call me? Feeling a magnetic pull, and unlike me, I called Vincent. We spoke for nearly two hours! I loved talking with him. I was pleased he invited me to dinner, and we had our second date. Again, I enjoyed a good conversation with him, but that was the last time I saw him because he never called me and I had already boldly called him last time.

Shelly asked me what happened. I let her know. She only said, "Well, I tried to help him get out of his shell; I hope you don't take offense." I said I liked him but could do nothing if he didn't reciprocate. Shelly insisted that nothing was wrong with me and that he would never have a girlfriend if he persisted in not asserting himself. The phone call never came, and that was the end of the brief interlude.

Since I had a boyfriend, why didn't I tell Mom and not agree to the setup? She'd ask to meet my boyfriend, and then I could not stand for any judgment from her! My friend Leslie set me up but was okay with me not going on a second date because she deemed the guy a loser and not good enough for me. She told me to continue with my boyfriend until she found a better guy for me! Shelly, another friend, set me up to help her husband's friend. She thought she did her best to help him, and since he didn't try to continue with me, there was nothing more she could do. At that time, my boyfriend was an on-again-off-again boyfriend. Of course, we were "off" when I went out with Vincent. I wished something came of it with him, but it didn't.

Despite being set up for some dates, I am thankful they happened. I learned a few things, so I did reap some benefits. First, those who set me up wanted something good for me, or they wanted to help someone. Second, I got more experience in knowing what I like and don't like. Third, having a little fun, even in small moments, contributes to a spicy and monotonous-free life!

Key Takeaway:  Though it felt awkward to be set up, the stories told made for a spicy life.

Next week, you will hear a new real-life story called Past, Present, and Future Revisited. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!