You Should Be (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about You Should Be & Poor Me, Rich Me.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 0:58 You Should Be
• 10:51 Poor Me, Rich Me
• 19:45 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #200 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about You Should Be & Poor Me, Rich Me.

You Should Be

“You should be a lawyer when you grow up,” said my junior high school friend, Yasmine. “You should be a teacher when you grow up,” commented Auntie Zelda. “You should be a counselor,” said my college buddy Joey. “And you should be a psychologist,” stated my friend Bea, a psychologist. Interestingly, I now have a job that seems to entail all four. “You are the right person for this job because you are very good at it,” Brenda, a subordinate, said. I was thankful for the compliment and chuckled at how my job was like that of a lawyer, teacher, counselor, and psychologist rolled up into one.

In eighth grade, whenever Yasmine and I planned a weekend activity with our friends Deanne, Tammy, Penny, and Stella, we’d have to convince Stella to come along. Everyone was game for fun, but Stella always seemed to have a flimsy excuse for not coming. We wanted her presence because she was the one who made us laugh with her quirky ways. It wouldn’t be so fun without her. So, I was tasked with persuading her to come along because no one else seemed to be able to do the job successfully. 

I would tell Stella how the activity would be fun and how we wouldn’t have any fun without her. For example, Yasmine would suggest playing basketball with her two brothers and their friends. Stella didn’t have one athletic bone, so she did not want to join this activity. I told her I was not athletic either, but since we rarely got to play and had enough players to make a team, we should try it and see if it was any fun. And if she didn’t like it, she could watch the game and be with us because we enjoyed her company. Trying to persuade Stella over the phone usually took fifteen to thirty minutes. Sometimes, it was tiresome to try to convince her, but luckily, she usually came after I talked to her. Our other friends were thankful for my efforts and said I would make a good lawyer when I grew up.

That same year, my dear Auntie Zelda, my uncle’s wife, often visited Grandma’s house to visit us. She had the cutest baby, who was my first cousin. As soon as she came through the door, I begged Auntie Zelda to let me carry and play with him. I’d plop the six-month-old on the bed, and he’d sit there wobbling with his curly hair, goo goo ga ga sounds, and drooling saliva. I’d help him wipe his saliva, of course. Then, I would teach him to lift his hand up and down, right and left. I’d play peek-a-boo with him. The little things I did with Cousin Eason had Auntie Zelda say I should be a teacher when I grew up. I was only twelve and hadn’t considered what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I remembered Auntie Zelda’s words.

When Cousin Eason was two years old and I was fourteen, Auntie Zelda asked Grandma, who raised me, if I could babysit Cousin Eason while she did errands. Grandma said I was too young for such a responsibility, so I never got to babysit Cousin Eason. I huffed and puffed inside without letting Grandma know I was angry. I loved Grandma, but I was angry she didn’t trust me to do the job. I loved Auntie Zelda because she trusted me to play with her baby, and she loved me for my patience with Cousin Eason. She saw positive things about me when no one else in Grandma’s family did. I grew up to be a teacher for over twenty years, and Auntie Zelda was not one bit surprised. I think of her fondly.

Years later, in college, I met Joey in my dormitory. He was working on his second Bachelor’s degree, so he was older than us. He would often come to my dorm room and yap. I did not know why; he had a girlfriend back home and was uninterested in me. He would talk and talk. All I did was listen and listen. I said a few words, too. When he finished speaking, he said I should be a counselor because I was a good listener and gave good advice. He said I always made him feel better. Joey did this many times, and I never understood why he came to talk to me. I wasn’t particularly interested in what he had to say, but I listened to be polite. In reflection, I suppose when people feel you are listening, they like you. On the other hand, if you are listening to me, I feel heard, and that makes all the difference in the world. As a mature person, I understand the importance of listening; it is needed in the counselor occupation.

Devastated by a big breakup, crushed by a failed business venture, and disheartened by the loss of my house, I moved abroad as a middle-aged woman. While looking for a language partner, I met Bea, who happened to be a psychologist. I thought I struck gold. I thought I would have my personal psychologist to hear my woes and solve my problems while we helped each other in a language exchange. It didn’t happen. We did talk about language learning and practiced our foreign languages. Since I worked with children, Bea asked me many questions about them and how to handle situations in dealing with them. She asked, and I gave her ideas and suggestions. Bea loved my responses and often told me I should be a psychologist because I would be a great one. Time and time again, I said to her that she was the psychologist and why was she not helping me with my issues?! Strangely, she could not help me, but I unwittingly helped her.

I am not a lawyer, counselor, or psychologist, but my job entails aspects of them. I find myself finding reasons or ideas to help me persuade others to do what is needed. Lawyers must convince others; I often need to do it in my job. Counselors provide guidance and advice; I frequently need to give a listening ear and offer suggestions in my career. Psychologists specialize in the study of the mind and behavior. I regularly think about how the minds of employees work to cause them to behave the way they do and how I can shift or improve their behavior or work performance. It is my job.

Unlike others in my position, I also have to advise, train, and assist other managers besides the people I hire. If my job were only to employ people, I would not need to be a lawyer, teacher, counselor, and psychologist wrapped into one. The roles I play make for many interesting, frustrating, and amusing workdays.

Like a lawyer, I need to persuade. I once needed to convince an employee to attend the company dinner banquet. He didn’t want to go because it was outside of work hours. I understood his viewpoint; however, the boss would be displeased if he didn’t go. I explained that it was like the boss lending a hand out to show employee appreciation once a year, and if he didn’t go, it would be like leaving a hand hanging and not accepting a gift. The boss could feel rejected or unappreciated. He accepted my story and attended the occasion. Of course, this situation was not like that of a lawyer in a courtroom. However, like a lawyer, I have often needed persuasion skills while on the job.

As a trainer and an experienced teacher, I have had to train, observe, and evaluate many new employees continuously. This part is clear or direct, so I need not explain how this role is wrapped into the other roles of my job. Like a counselor, I provide guidance and advice. While training, I provide guidance on how to do a better job. While evaluating, I give suggestions and advice about the job and how to interact or work with others. The job naturally lends itself to helping others by giving them ideas and helping them understand what is needed to move forward.

Like a psychologist, I need to study how the human mind thinks to understand why they behave the way they do. I need to know where they are coming from or their perspective. I find their perspective determines how they react or view situations. 

Managers often call me to assist in resolving their complaints about employees under their supervision. Those employees also have their complaints about the job, which could also have something to do with their manager. Like a psychologist, what do I do? Examine the facts, what happened, and their interpretation by both parties. It is usually different. Thus, I help each side understand the other side and devise a solution to resolve the matter.

Though I am not a lawyer, counselor, or psychologist, my job utilizes some skills from each. It adds to my job of recruiting, hiring, training, motivating, managing, and handling complaints and interactions between workers. You can call it a frustrating and straining job, or you could call it a stimulating and fascinating job. You can even call it all of the above. Though some days will be positive and others will be negative, I must say I never have a boring day at work!

Poor Me, Rich Me

Little Emily got on an airplane all by herself. At age five, she was already showing she had grit. Emily appeared like a big girl in a little girl's body. Upon arrival to her grandmother's family and home, she quickly became Grandma's little helper. Soon, Emily was walking to the bus stop by herself at age eight. Before you knew it, she was a teenager off to college at seventeen and paying her own way. You might conclude that she was a young and self-assured lady. You would be woefully mistaken. 

Don't judge a book by its cover; you don't know what is inside unless you open it. As for little Emily, her inner world and outer appearance were a total mismatch. You could not fathom this character's inner workings by simply looking at her. You would be surprised if you tried to take a peek inside because she is nothing like you imagine. Many suitors have been curious and drawn to the mystery. Others have been astonished, but only because she was not as expected. Most shocking is her perception of herself.

Emily had to fend for herself at age five when her mom tossed her over to her grandmother. Emily never got to have much of a relationship with her brothers and sisters because she didn't live with them, nor did her mother have them visit. She dreamed of going to college but didn't have the funds. No relative was going to help her realize her dreams. Emily was left to fund her college education. 

Emily grew up to get married and invited her parents and siblings to her wedding, but she still had to fund her own wedding. She had never had love and care from her parents and wondered why. Living with her grandparents' family, her uncles told her she didn't belong there. Feeling unwanted and unloved, Emily carried the pain and ache with her throughout most of her life and wasn't even aware of it. She was too busy fighting for her survival.

As Grandma's little helper, she quickly learned how to cook and clean. She knew the importance of saving for a rainy day and being careful with money from her grandmother's example. With no one to help her, she found a way to get to college. Fainting spells coupled with anxiety pangs filled her pre-college to college days as the stress of paying tuition strained her. When the dormitories were closed during the holidays, Emily had to leave and didn't want to go home where her family members told her she didn't belong. She roamed the streets hungry, with little money to buy food. By night, she would sleep in hotel lounges or youth hostels, which were inexpensive. School vacations were homeless and lonely times for Emily. She wondered why she had such heartless parents who didn't care about her existence since the day she was born. She never got the answers but was busy strengthening herself to stand up without wobbling.

Emily stood tall. She took care of herself. It looked easy, but it was not. You wouldn't know her pain unless she told you. She hid it well. That is why you might think she was a strong and independent lady at a young age. Maybe you are right to see that, but it wasn't easy for Emily to do everything herself. Mustering up the courage and strength was no easy feat. You wouldn't know that unless she told you. If you knew, you might want to pity her or give her some sympathy. If you did, she would be furious. She refused weakness and only fought to be stronger each day. She allowed no pity to come her way, and no one lent a helping hand because no one knew her predicaments except strangers. She did not permit observable vulnerability because you could take advantage of it and harm her. She had to protect herself because she knew no one else would.

The insides of me said poor me. The outside of me demonstrated that I could take care of myself and that I didn't need help. Please don't pity me; I am not helpless. I am not weak; I am no victim. I refuse to be one. I can stand on my own two feet. And that is what you see of me.

The dark insides of me said poor me, but the outsides of me refused to let it show. The insides of me also fought to be a victor of my circumstances. Older and wiser, I now say rich me. Little Emily was poor, but Big Emily is rich, rich in experiences.

I am rich, not wealthy with money, but abundant with lessons learned from adversity and epiphanies gained from eye-opening moments. When Grandma Betsy, my father's mother, said I mattered and not to let anyone take away my importance, she gave me a piece of precious gold. When Grandma Sandy, my mother's mother, took me into her home, I acquired independent skills to care for myself. I learned to cook and clean, save money, value my cultural heritage and the language of my ancestors. My identity solidified with a sense of pride that came from Grandma Sandy. When my mother-in-law accepted me into her family, she gave me the warmth of a family and the mother I never had. The jewels she gave me warmed my heart.

Though I experienced much negativity and misery from my mother, explanations for my behaviors or attitudes came from delving into and analyzing that relationship. I learned to understand my abandonment issue, my hate for money, exterior beauty, and material goods. Though one ex-boyfriend cheated on me, I learned to forgive. Though my ex-husband was an extreme perfectionist and self-righteous beast, I realized the detriments and did not allow myself to go to such extremes. Though I relied on my first boyfriend to be my everything, I matured to know that I have no right to depend on any one person for all my needs, and it is not healthy to do so. The realizations learned could only add to the abundance of a life I never thought was worth much. 

I am also rich because I have developed a character of courage, strength, resilience, adaptability, and tenacity. My character traits came from meeting challenges and facing adversity, which extracted creativity to solve many problems. The rich character developed allowed me to find the funds for college, pursue a teaching career to make a difference for others, juggle working and studying full-time, endure and leave an emotionally abusive husband, overcome devastation from a cheating boyfriend, dare to go into business full-time, move abroad, persist in finding a way to overcome travel bans during the global pandemic, survive the global economic crisis and more. They not only helped me overcome but were crucial in assisting me to triumph.

My life may have started poorly and not in the best circumstances, but I didn't need to accept it as if it were permanent. I comfort myself by saying that no one's life is perfect. Dreaming and striving for a better life, I boldly stepped forward to do what I needed to forge ahead. My survival instinct, determination, and developed character traits together propelled me forward.

I am no longer a poor little girl but a big girl full of grit; I no longer say poor me; I say rich me! Good or bad experiences enrich me. Strip me of my material possessions or take other things away, but there are a few you cannot take. You cannot take away those gems which make me rich. My life of struggles and challenges developed my character traits. They are a part of me. They help me face anything and make my life abundant. Richness or poorness is first developed in the mind. I choose to be rich in experiences and character.

Key Takeaways

Though I never became a psychologist, counselor, or lawyer, I did have a job that entailed aspects or skills from each one.

Though I always considered myself poor financially, I was rich with abilities and characteristics.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called To Try or Not to Try & Not of Course, a Divorce.  If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!