The Aftermath of a Divorce (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about The Aftermath of a Divorce & Like a Porcupine or Not.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:02 The Aftermath of a Divorce
• 11:40 Like a Porcupine or Not
• 18:15 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #195 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about The Aftermath of a Divorce & Like a Porcupine or Not. 

The Aftermath of a Divorce

It took me seven years to leave him. I had tolerated the emotional abuse, the demeaning, the anal stances, and controlling behavior. Because I refused to give up and wanted to save the marriage, I endured. Because I refused to accept failure, I suffered. Details of the misery, which I don't care to repeat saying, can be found in my podcast episode When I Left Him. Here, I reflect on the aftermath and what happened to me after I moved out or left him. Once confirmed, is a divorce for better or worse?

I moved all my belongings out of the house we bought together. I had a desk, an office chair, and a single guest bed that was mine before marriage. Kitchen China and utensils were wedding gifts from my family, and I got to keep them. Some pots and pans I had when I was single were also mine to keep. I had all I needed except the living room, dining room, den/study/family room, and bedroom furniture. My ex had bought all those before we got married. We wanted everything to be in place and ready before I moved in and before we got married. He was a planner, and so was I. We did have that in common. 

One of the first things I noticed as a divorcee was that I no longer had to compromise. I went furniture shopping and got what I wanted without consulting anyone but myself. I got ivory-white leather sofas, oak bedroom furniture, and a three-seater fabric recliner for my study room with another oak desk. The dining room set I always wanted before and didn't get because my ex didn't like it, I could now get it. Now that I did not need to consider his opinion, I finally got the dining room set I always wanted. It felt good to get what I wanted without compromising.

After all the shopping, I was too tired to cook and clean. Besides, I hadn't finished unpacking. I went to a restaurant to get some takeout food. I couldn't be happier to have the freedom to do that! Had I still been married to Anson, I would not have been allowed to do so. I always had to cook meals at home, including meat, vegetables, rice, and soup. If we went out to eat, it had to be a special occasion, if someone else was treating us like my in-laws, or if a friend of mine invited us to their house for dinner. Getting a takeout meal once in a while was not okay with Anson. I was glad to be a divorcee who could get a takeout meal every so often. It may sound like a small matter, but it felt like I was trapped or chained when he restricted my freedom in even the smallest of things.

On another occasion, I went to get a car wash. It was because I was tired and didn't want to do it. I rejoiced at having the freedom to have someone else do the car wash. Again, it sounds like a small matter, but the excitement for the freedom to have a choice in doing it myself or having someone else do it made all the difference in feeling unchained.

After unpacking all day and well into midnight, I was hungry. I pulled out a bag of Lays Sour Cream and Onion potato chips to eat. It tasted especially delicious because I was hungry and could do it without anyone saying it was not a good idea to eat at midnight or junk food. Sure, I know and agree, but being able to do it once in a while would be nice. As a divorcee, I now have the freedom to do it occasionally and enjoy it!

Sometimes, I wanted to go out with my gal pals on weekends for lunch, dinner, or coffee, but I couldn't do that while married. Anson would act like a sad puppy to be home alone and lay a guilt trip on me, telling me that there were house projects I could be doing at home. Now, I didn't need to consider him and could go out anytime. Again, it is about having the freedom to do many things. 

Though I had a career, I also wanted to try it as an entrepreneur. Anson wouldn't have any of it. When I was home, he expected my full attention from him. He would be infuriated if I brought home some work from my regular job. Before I married him, I frequently brought work home to do. After marriage, I was not allowed to do so. I stopped bringing work home to please my husband so he would not get angry and argue with me. Instead, I would go to work earlier in the morning while he was still asleep and get the work I needed to get done. Now, I understand that one needs to balance work and home life, but I still had work to do and continued going to work earlier to get things done. At least now I can explore other things to be a small business owner or entrepreneur with no one restricting me.

When I go to sleep, it should be up to me. That was not the case when I was married. I had to go to sleep at ten o'clock. It had to be at the same time as Anson. If I didn't, he'd make a big fuss about it. Even when I went to sleep, I was controlled by him. It was as if I was a child and was told when I had to go to sleep. Since I got up at six in the morning, it was a good idea to go to sleep at ten, but to be demanded to do so did not feel good.

Sometimes, staying home all weekend and lounging around the house without getting dressed up or wearing make-up is nice. That was not acceptable when I was married. Anson demanded that I dress nicely to please his eyes, even if we stayed home all day. I am glad I can now dress however I want when I am at home and not be concerned about pleasing anyone with my outfits at home. I love my freedom!

Occasionally, having an afternoon nap on a Saturday or Sunday is nice. Just sprawling on my bed to relax is fun. I could not do that with Anson around. He called it unproductive and a waste of time. I am thrilled sometimes to do it now and appreciate the freedom I have because I once lost that freedom. I am most thankful for all the freedoms I enjoy as a divorcee. I can do whatever I want whenever I want without anybody telling me I can't do anything.

Of course, the aftermath of a divorce involves some adjustment at first. Daily routines change, and the atmosphere and sounds in the home change. The things I needed to do to please him, I could stop doing. I no longer had the pressures of cooking a three-course meal to be ready to serve at five o'clock. I no longer had to wash and iron his clothes. There were many things I didn't have to do anymore, and I didn't have to hear the put-downs and criticisms anymore.

I didn't know that I would lose all my freedom when I got married. It seemed like every imaginable freedom in every nook and cranny disappeared from me when I married. After the divorce, I reclaimed all my freedoms. I didn't appreciate or know how valuable my freedom was until I lost it. Recalling all that I previously lost, I never want to go back. 

Today, I took a day off from work. Dressed in shorts and a sports bra, I wrote an essay in the morning; writing is my passion. I made a simple lunch and went out to buy some fruits for the week. Next, I made a cup of coffee and wrote another story. I finish and relax, sprawling out on my bed for a few minutes. I will do some exercises and household chores before dinnertime. Maybe I will write another short story after dinner or read the news; I can do whatever I want. What I described may not sound interesting, but it is an example of me having the freedom and joy to do as I wish because I am without Anson.

If I were still married, I could not take a day off unless I was extremely sick. Anson would say I was wasting a day even though I had paid sick days. I wanted the day off to catch up on my writing and keep up with my weekly podcast stories. I love writing and podcasting, so I like to spend my time doing it, and I am thankful for the freedom to do so now. 

If I dressed in shorts and a sports bra at home with Anson, he would be appalled. He would say it was too revealing and only for the bedroom. I live on a tropical island now; it is hot and I think it is appropriate attire.

If I were busy writing and podcasting, Anson would say it was a waste of time because it doesn't bring in the income like my full-time job. So, I couldn't even enjoy my passions if I were still living with him.

If I made a simple meal like I do now, Anson would not be satisfied. His mother spoiled him and always gave him soup, rice, meat, and vegetables daily, so he expected the same from me. There could never be a pizza night or any takeouts with him. I am glad I no longer have those restrictions. 

Sprawling on my bed for a few minutes of relaxation and not doing chores before my hobbies would be out of the question for Anson. Having hobbies and doing them was unacceptable, and considering a side business was not either because attending to Anson's needs or house projects were more important.

After itemizing all the things I did today and how I couldn't do them if I were still married to Anson, it reminds me of how grateful I am today to be divorced from him. My seemingly uneventful day off is not so to me. I feel productive writing my stories, and hearing the rain and piano music in the background relaxes me. I enjoy this day off to do what I wish with no restrictions. I am a happy and free divorcee.

Like a Porcupine or Not

My friend Maddy said, “Emily, you are quiet like a rabbit.” I rebelled, “I may be quiet, but I am certainly not soft and cuddly.” “You are like a lion; you roar and snap when annoyed or have an opinion coming,” I said. Maddy and I chuckled and sipped some coffee while we continued chatting. We started thinking about what animals our other friends resembled and had more laughter and fun. Since I did not think myself much like a rabbit, I asked myself, what kind of animal am I like?! 

I appear quiet, non-threatening, or harmless, but we are not always what we seem to be. Since I told Maddy I was not most like a rabbit, she snapped her paws out and said I was like a porcupine. What? I was first a soft and furry creature, but now I am a prickly rodent?! Maddy didn’t explain, as we were off to go shopping together. As we shopped, I pondered how I could be like a porcupine. I searched for some information about porcupines after I got home. 

Porcupines have quills that usually lie flat until they feel threatened. How am I like that? You won’t notice anything different about me as I look like any other human with eyes, ears, nose, mouth, arms, legs, and a body. I am often so quiet that you may not notice me. You may not see my presence initially, but you will feel my presence in the room and then glance at me. You will keep a distance because you are unsure what I will do if you approach me. If you threaten my safety in any shape or form, my guard will go up. My eyes will give you a scary stare. It will say don’t get near me, don’t mess with me, because if you do, I will be ready to attack. I suppose I look harmless, like a porcupine with quills lying flat. And I am harmless until you threaten my safety.

Porcupines have long, sharp, pointed hairs on the body to avoid predators. They wear a coat of spines or quills that protect them against anyone who might want to attack. The quill ends are barbed. If you make contact with them, they quickly detach from themselves and attach deeply into your skin, causing immediate and severe pain. Their spikes can puncture the skin with the slightest touch. Porcupines sound scary! 

I have been told by many that I look scary. My eyes that say don’t mess with me or don’t cross me tell kids not to mess with or cross me. Eleven-year-old Candy thought she would try to scare me by holding up her arms like bear claws to attempt to get near me, and as soon as I motioned to get out of my chair, she screamed and ran away with her friends behind her. Candy has been my student for three years and has gotten somewhat comfortable with me, but she still fears me. Like the quills of the porcupine, my eyes can be dangerous. 

For those who don’t know me well, they will keep their distance if I give them the don’t mess with me stare. Many naughty children have behaved better in my presence. They have said it is because they fear me. It must have been my eyes that said don’t cross me, or you will pay the consequences. You might think my “quills” only scare children into behaving, but you are wrong. Even adults fear crossing me.

Jane, a former co-worker, once did something that angered me. I wanted to ignore her and not reveal my anger, but since she called my name for something, I took the opportunity to berate her, and she held up her notebook in front of her face for fear that I would attack! Amy, a boss I once had, was angry at me about something and showed herself attempting to contain her anger, but she did not reprimand me at all. I have seen her lecture and scold others, but not me. Were my eyes at work protecting me like the porcupine that protects itself with its quills?

Ex-boyfriends Devin, Keith, Ed, and Teo would be silent and leave me alone when I was angry at them. Then, they would try to say something to make me laugh or do a silly gesture to get the giggles out of me. My eyes let them know they crossed me, and I was not pleased. I guess my “quills” stood up like a porcupine.

Porcupines do not shoot their quills. They only do so when you brush up close to them or their hair; they naturally react to flick their rump up in the air and thrust those quills into the would-be predator. You have to make physical contact with the guard hairs and quills for them to stick into your body. Porcupines can induce harm to you.

I won’t hurt you in any way physically like a porcupine would. I won’t make you bleed like the quills from a porcupine. But some have said my eyes hurt them like it pierced through their skin! Others have said I stomped on their heart, figuratively speaking. Ouch!

After some analysis, you could say I am like a porcupine. In one moment, I could be proud to be like a porcupine because I have something to protect myself. In the next moment, I could be sad to be like one because my quills or eyes could keep others at a distance. I will say I am one when I need to be! In other words, my hair will lie flat to be harmless, but my quills will stand up if provoked!

Maddy was right; I am like a porcupine. I am harmless but will protect myself when needed. I will work to keep my quills lying flat most of the time because I want more friends. But my quills will instinctively stand up to protect myself as needed. Maddy is like a snapping turtle because she snaps and bites people with her criticisms. But I still love her for her frankness and kindness! What other behaviors do we have that are similar to some animals? 

Key Takeaways 

Though a divorce can take a toll on a person, overcoming it is pure joy.

Though I am like a porcupine to protect myself, I can also let down my guard to welcome others.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called I Am a Good Girl, But & What is a Home. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!