Forced to be an Adult (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Forced to be an Adult & A New Start at 21.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:02 Forced to be an Adult
• 9:11 A New Start at Twenty-One
• 18:50 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #186 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Forced to be an Adult & A New Start at Twenty-One.

Forced to be an Adult
I was only five, but I was forced to become an adult. I was only seventeen, but I was forced to become a bigger adult. At twenty-one, I was technically an adult but was forced again. At thirty-six, I realized what it means to be an adult. I laugh now, but it took another twenty years before I became glad I am an adult!

I say I was forced to be an adult at five because Mom tossed me out. Her mother took care of me, but in my mind, I needed to do whatever I could to take care of myself. Mom didn't want me, so I needed to show her I didn't need her. I lived in a bunkbed under one of my uncles. I fixed my bed and folded my own clothes into two drawers by my bed. I had a spot that was mine because no one messed with it, and that was my bed. Grandma Sandy or Aunt Cassie did the cooking, but I got a bowl to dish food for myself. I dressed myself in the morning and ran to keep up with Aunt Tessa and her friend to get to school on time. 

After school, I did my homework on the kitchen table, and no one told me to do it. No one assisted me with the work either. Grandma had me wash vegetables and set the table. She had me dust bedroom furniture and go to the market and the laundromat with her. I had to do all those grown-up things. I resented it. Why couldn't I play with my toys, watch cartoons, or do kid stuff? I wasn't sure what five-year-olds usually did, but I didn't think it included household chores and errands with Grandma. Maybe Grandma needed my help or company, but I hated her nagging and lectures about being a good girl. Only in hindsight can I appreciate the training Grandma gave me to be an adult. She was the one who taught me how to do household chores, run errands, save money, and cook. 

Being forced to be an adult at age seventeen was no easy feat. As an adult, I needed to find a way to pay for college tuition. No single family member would help me or even encourage me to gain a college education. Because I wanted it badly, as I saw it to be an escape route from home life and a road to freedom, I found a way with the help of a public attorney and my school counselor, who didn't charge me anything for their services. Getting money through government programs and working part-time, I paid for my college expenses and lived in dormitories far from home. Alone, I chose my major and the classes that would eventually lead to my bachelor's degree.

As an adult during college, I found places to go and places to stay during vacations when I was locked out of the dormitories. Roaming the streets to pass the time was tiresome. Having little money in my pocket made me selective in what I would eat each day. I would often buy a loaf of bread and eat one or two slices per day. My stomach growled and hungered for more, but that was all I could afford. Finding places to crash each night called for some creativity. Sometimes, I stayed at large hotel lounges with luxurious couches and sat up straight to sleep. Luckily, I never got caught and stayed for free. I washed up in the public restrooms and got out to roam the streets some more. 

At other times, a friend or two would invite me to their family homes for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I was most glad for the physical comforts, but I was troubled inside me. Lots of knots twisted tightly to hurt me. The voices in my head said others were probably laughing at me that I didn't have a family for the holidays because I was unwanted. It wasn't easy to be an adult with nowhere to call home and little money to live on. Being an adult was no fun, but I knew I needed to be one. Only in reflection can I appreciate the experience that helped me prepare for life after college. I would have bills to pay and needed to manage my money and expenses for survival.

Fresh out of college at twenty-one, I was an adult and could not deny it. I wished someone would help me find a job and an apartment, but I knew I needed to do those things independently. I found a job and a place to live. Since I was finally working full-time, I knew I could afford rent and called myself an adult. I considered myself officially an adult because I defined an adult as someone who could pay their own rent and expenses by working. I did that, but as I got older, I realized the definition embodied much more than that.

Divorced at age thirty-six, I realized another level of being an adult. I may not have been aware of it before, but I have been doing it since I was five. Another detail in the definition of an adult is that you are responsible for all your decisions and need to acknowledge, accept, and be accountable for all your choices and actions. 

The difficult decision to get a divorce was mine. Though I have made many decisions before, this decision was different. This decision directly affected a number of people including my ex and family members on both sides. Knowing that this choice impacted others deeply, I realized that as an adult, I also needed to be responsible for how I affected others in what I did. Being an adult was not simply being able to pay my expenses in life but also acknowledging and accepting the part I play in affecting other people's lives and that I am responsible for it. Though I may have known this in theory, it took a divorce to feel the impact.

Being forced to be an adult at five and seventeen was no fun. It was too much responsibility, but I had to accept it for my survival. Technically, an adult at twenty-one or eighteen was also no picnic in the park. Who wouldn't rather be running free with no responsibilities than have the pressures of footing bills for survival? 

Married at thirty, the pressures to pay the bills seemed lighter as we shared the responsibility, but when the divorce came, a different kind of responsibility became more apparent. I was also responsible for the well-being of another person and, in this instance, other family members. It was a reminder that everything we do affects others. But as a responsible adult, I would acknowledge and accept the part I played in it. It is not easy being an adult! But in my memory, I was already an adult at five.

Having been an adult for so long, it has been exhausting. Though often stressful and tiresome, I am glad for the experience that led to who I am today. The adult I am today is glad that I am an adult. 

I am pleased that I can cover all my daily expenses without depending on others; I would hate to be dependent on someone. I am proud to be independent. I am content with many decisions I made for myself; I celebrate my achievements. I am satisfied with other choices I made that affect many people; I am happy for the positive impacts and learned lessons from the negative effects.

I am also happy to be an adult because only as an adult can I appreciate and value all the ups and downs that create the substance and abundance of my life!

A New Start at Twenty-One
Fresh out of college, excitement and anxiety filled me. No more schooling meant no more tuition to pay and juggling school and work. Starting a full-time job meant money to pay for all my needs without worries. What a relief it would be. I couldn't wait for it to all begin. But will I find a job soon enough? Will I find an affordable apartment? Will I make enough money to pay for all my needs? What about transportation and making new friends? As thrilled as I was to work full-time and pay rent, I still worried if I could get everything in place to begin my life as an adult out of school. Will I survive and thrive? Will I fall on my face and sit on the streets homeless?

I was incessantly worried because I had not forgotten the challenge of finding the funds to pay for my college education. My creativity and courage helped me access the needed resources and buy my ticket to a brighter future. It was no easy feat with no financial support from my family, but those struggles made me more resourceful, brave, and independent. It helped me through college, especially vacation time when I had nowhere to go and little money in my pocket.

After bicycling in a small town during college and enjoying suburbia, I was sad to leave my safe haven. I was also ready for something new and different. Off I went to the big city filled with various people, places, food, and activities. I couldn't wait for this new chapter; I looked forward to the adventure. Simultaneously, I was scared out of my wits; I didn't know if I would survive or end up on the streets begging for money. The picture and thoughts in my head frightened me. Despite the fear clouding me with confusion, I knew I had to muster the courage to do whatever was necessary to move forward in the next chapter. I wished someone would help me, but I knew I had to be strong, and I refused to be helpless or pitiful.

San Francisco. I had visited this city several times as a tourist and was fascinated with the many different kinds of food, people, and community events. I could roam the city on foot or take a bus and see many things. I liked the vibes of the hustle and bustle of San Francisco.

My first stop was Chinatown. Counting my pennies, I grabbed two roast pork buns from the pastry shop for less than a dollar for lunch. Delighted that I could get a tasty and cheap lunch, my tummy was satisfied. Next, I nabbed a local newspaper and looked through the wanted ads for an apartment. I searched based on the rental amount since I didn't have a job yet and always controlled my expenses. The first place observed was like a dormitory with no private bath or kitchen. It wreaked with a musty, unclean smell. No! My heart sank. The price was right, but I wanted my own everything and did not want to share it with others. 

At my next stop, I found an inexpensive place within walking distance of Chinatown and Fisherman's Wharf. There were two bedrooms, a kitchen, a living room, and a bathroom. They were all small, but it was enough for just me. The common area was simple, cozy, and warm, with yellow-painted walls. I said I'd take it immediately. The lady came from Hawaii and was only in the apartment for a week, so she had bought a bed. She said she didn't like San Francisco and was moving back home. She offered the like-new bed to me as she didn't want to move it. I was ecstatic! I got a place for five hundred dollars in the big city. This amount was several decades ago, but even those nearby said it was a steal. I was glad and felt lucky. But there was a catch.

I needed to deposit five thousand dollars since I did not have a job yet. Panic ensued, but fearing that someone else would get the place instead of me, I asked friends and relatives without hesitation and miraculously got the money together to complete the transaction. Hurray! I leaped over my first hurdle as a college graduate.

The next hurdle was to secure a job. Since I liked working with kids, I searched for a teaching job but soon discovered I could not do the job without a license, which required more schooling. I quickly shifted to looking at teaching assistant jobs, but most were part-time, which would not bring in enough income for me to live in the city. Luckily, one wanted a full-timer because it was working with hearing-handicapped children. It was a difficult position to fill because many people did not have the special education background to take the position. I didn't either, but because I had bilingual skills and a couple of the students spoke the second language, I got the job! It was a five-minute walking commute to work. I jumped over hurdle number two.

Hurdle number three was to get some furniture. Since I didn't start work yet, there was still little money in my pocket. I went to the Goodwill Store, where everything was used and was cheaper than new things. I got a dull yellow-flowered couch that would match the warm yellow walls in my apartment. Flowers were not my style, but the one I got was not bad and was in a like-new condition. It even had a sofa bed tucked inside. I also got a bedroom set that was bright yellow and white. It looked like new and would be easy to clean. It included a bed with three drawers underneath it, a five-drawer bureau, a six-drawer dresser, a desk with four drawers and a bookshelf on top of it, and a side table with one drawer, and ample space below it for more storage. The entire bedroom set and the couch were five hundred dollars. I was over the moon with the deal. I bounced over hurdle number three. 

The apartment already had an ugly old brown coffee table; it was good enough to eat dinner on it. I had jumped over three hurdles, getting a job, apartment, and furniture in one month. I was ready to paint the town. 

With Fisherman's Wharf only ten to fifteen minutes away, I could pass by Crookedest Street, walk near the harbor, eat sourdough bread, and window shop the many stores. On other days, I could hike up and down the many nearby hilly streets to strengthen my leg muscles and get some exercise. I could walk to the nearby City Lights Bookstore or the local library for some quiet reading. I could also climb up to Coit Tower to enjoy the beautiful views of the city. Catching a bus or walking to downtown or the financial district was not far either. 

Living in the Italian District or neighborhood, I could enjoy the scrumptiously sweet and large pieces of Italian pastry, Italian restaurants, cafes, and bars nearby. Then, in another ten to fifteen minutes' walk, I could be in the Chinatown neighborhood. I walked there every weekend for the inexpensive and delicious food. I also bought other basic needs there. Having overcome the three hurdles swiftly, I was surviving. I was on top of the world to be in a great location and to be able to afford to live in San Francisco. Still, counting my pennies was necessary.

That first year and a half was not all rainbows and sunshine. The teaching assistant job was a temporary job for me. I decided I wanted to be a teacher, which meant going back to school. Since I could not afford to be unemployed, I juggled working by day and studying by night. I needed to complete homework, errands, and chores during the weekend. A little time was left for fun, but I got a bit in. 

After a year and a half, I got the needed license and proceeded to apply for a position to begin my career. The human resource department scheduled me for three interviews within the district. I would get the one where the principal ranked me first. To my surprise, HR called to inform me that I was ranked first in two of the three schools, so I got to choose which school I wanted. I chose the one within walking distance of my home. Ecstatic, I jumped up with my arms up, yelling Yah! in my quiet apartment. With a career in tow, I was not only going to survive, but I would thrive, too.

It seemed like luck was on my side after graduating college without many hiccups. However, I credit myself with the survival skills I acquired and experienced before and during college to help me be resourceful, creative, independent, and determined to achieve goals. Success in any new start requires strength of character. The struggles I endured and overcame produced me, who got a great new start at twenty-one.

Key Takeaways          
Though I was forced to be an adult at a young age, I am glad for the responsibilities practiced to care for myself.

Though I struggled throughout my teen years, the survival skills I acquired helped me to begin a better life after college.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called Seen Naked & You Would Never Guess. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!