Two Big Eye-Opening Moments (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Two Big Eye-Opening Moments & So I Heard.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:01 Two Big Eye-Opening Moments
• 15:27 So I Heard
• 20:56 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #178 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan.  In this episode, you will hear about Two Big Eye-Opening Moments & So I Heard.

Two Big Eye-Opening Moments
I couldn’t stop it. It kept happening. No matter what I did, it kept creeping up on me every day. I didn’t want it. I was helpless, and there was nothing I could do to stop it from moving forward. It happens to everybody. They don’t want it either. Some buy things to cover it up, others have surgery, and some also exercise and eat right, hoping to slow the process. It is aging. What can you do about it aside from what I mentioned?

I wanted a big house and a new car. I got them. I dreamed of owning my own business and being my own boss. I did that. I wanted several degrees and licenses. I attained those, too. With possessions and accomplishments at hand, I thought I was more or less a success in life. But how come the deep satisfaction was not there? Success was not in the possessions I owned, nor was it in the accomplishments I achieved.

What can I do about aging? What can I do to be a success? The answers I excavated from the deep recesses of my mind were eye-opening.

As I mentioned in my podcast episode Tackling the Fear of Aging, I tackled most of my fears after I went skydiving, but the fear of aging could not escape me. 

Today, I look at my face and see my cheeks drooping. My high cheekbones that once showed my allure have disappeared. My big, curious eyes that once revealed my youth now have droopy eyelids that shrink the size of my eyes. Age spots scattered over my face appeared without permission and erased my smooth, spotless, fair skin from yesteryear. As I look at the aging of celebrities, I ask myself, are we all doomed to look uglier and uglier as we age?!  

Besides physical appearance, what else was so scary to me about aging? What I took for granted that I could do before, I could no longer do, so what will become of me? Will I need to depend on others? Independent me cringed at the thought of needing assistance to move from place to place. Growing up, I once lived on the fifth floor of an apartment building with no elevators, and it was easy for me to run up and down the stairs. I even thought it was fun when I could outrun my puppy love, who chased after me when I went home. As a grownup, I moved abroad and lived on the fifth floor with no elevators again! Lugging groceries or luggage was a pain and a strain on my body, but I managed. I now live on the second floor and still hate carrying stuff up the stairs. Yes, my next home needs to be on the first floor or have an elevator. I can make some adjustments because of aging, but how annoying!

Perhaps my biggest fear related to aging is not being able to care for myself and rely on others. Imagining someone having to hold and support me to go to the toilet or walk up the stairs would be dreadfully embarrassing, and I would be losing that privacy I so value. I shudder to see that image. I had spent my whole life trying to show I didn’t need anyone’s help to do anything and practicing independence. I became proud of it. It is part of my identity; how can aging dare take that away from me? It takes and doesn’t stop taking!

It wasn’t until a fourteen-year-old asked me what it was like to be old that unexpected words quickly came out of my mouth for me to begin appreciating that I was aging! Luckily, I didn’t take offense because I no longer care what others think of me. That came from aging or maturation. When I said I would like to be young like him to be able to be more active in sports, I also said I liked being “old” because it gives me wisdom. The intelligent kid smiled, impressed with my answer. Those words that came out of my mouth surprised me, too!

One junior high school student wrote me a letter; it was the last assignment of the class. It was heartfelt as he expressed himself more than ever before. He had always written in generalities, and I talked about writing in more detail to describe and express himself more clearly. He finally did it in his last written piece with me. Besides feeling satisfied that he heard or understood what I wanted in his writing and that he wrote a masterpiece that grabs the reader, I also learned something that day. 

The advice and perspectives I shared with my junior high school students over the few years together came from my life experiences and aging or maturing. My “wisdom” and understanding of what they faced as teenagers made them think I was a great teacher. Sharing my knowledge and experience with new teachers also made them think I was great, but it was just my years of learning and growing.

Looking for the positives about aging was not eye-opening. Seeing the positives made me feel better, but that wasn’t earth-shattering. At best, it helped me appreciate what we get from being older or maturing. However, thinking about the positives led me to realize that aging is not my enemy but my friend. Aging is my friend because it reminds me to live life fully now, not later. Instead of dreading doom and the end of life, I know my days are limited, but that means I am to do all that I want to do now. I write my bucket list and work to check off each item as soon as possible. I write down all my dreams, prioritize them, and work to realize them sooner rather than later. Feeling bursts of energy, I live life more than ever before. Indeed, aging is my friend!

Realizing that aging is my friend was eye-popping and eye-opening for me. Suddenly freed from the cage of age fear, exhilaration came over me. Traveling to nearly twenty countries, floating in a hot-air balloon, ziplining across mountains, bungy-jumping, conversing with strangers all over the world, going into business, living abroad, writing, and podcasting were all no longer unattainable but done. The fear of aging: Tackled and pinned.

I thought I knew the meaning of success; society told me. Make more money; own more possessions. I followed it and achieved some success, only to learn that it wasn’t altogether the complete picture. By chance, I read an essay that changed my long-held perspective about success. It was eye-opening because I never saw it that way. A twist of fate also led me to converse with someone who gave me new perspectives that I was blind or oblivious to. Had I “known,” I would have appreciated myself much more and not beaten myself countless times!

Everett, my language exchange partner of three months, positively impacted my life like no one else. I shared about my stint in business, where I failed to become a millionaire. I didn’t think he was interested in business, but he asked many questions about it. He asked so many questions about it that by our third phone call, I told him I no longer wanted to talk about it because I had nothing more to say about it. My frankness paid off; he stopped asking about it and explained why he asked so many questions. I explained why I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. The explanations changed my perspective, how I perceived challenges, and how I looked at myself. 

Blind to it all for so long, my eyes widened as Everett explained. I couldn’t believe that I never saw things that way. I didn’t want to talk about my time in business anymore because it was my biggest failure in life. I quit my successful career and took the risk of going into business, only to fall on my face. I made nothing the first year. I made little in the next couple of years. I made some in the fifth year but never became a millionaire. The more I talked about it, the more I felt disgusted and disappointed with myself. Who enjoys talking about their failures? The response that came from Everett was shocking. He asked many questions because he wanted to know how I could persist for so long without making money. He couldn’t understand how I could keep passing out flyers or talking to strangers who often said no to the opportunity or product I was selling. How could I take so many rejections? He wanted to know. More incredulous to me was when he told me I inspired him. That baffled me for several years before I understood how he could be inspired. He continued to impact me even after our language exchanges ended.

I never thought someone’s adversity or challenges could be a source of inspiration for others. I always thought my adversities were shameful and embarrassing. It wasn’t until a few years later, when Tina Turner died, that I began to understand why Everett said my adversities were inspiring. When I read the news about Tina Turner’s death, I started reading information about her life. When I learned that she only had thirty-six cents with her when she ran away from her abusive husband, tears rolled down my eyes. I have been poor, but never that poor. I have been emotionally abused by my ex-husband, but never physically or to an extent close to hers. I was sad for her but simultaneously inspired by her because, despite her adversities, she was a successful megastar with electrifying energy on stage. All of a sudden, I understood how Everett was inspired.

I thought success would have been if I became a millionaire or owned lavish possessions. You could say that is one way to be a success. But there are other ways, too. Tina Turner was an accomplished singer. I applaud her for that, but that did not impact me. She inspired me because she fought through enormous challenges and stood up to succeed at something. We all get knocked down at some point in life, but how we stand back up makes a difference for the self and others. Realizing this point, I began to feel a bit less ashamed of all the challenges I faced because no matter how many times I fell, I always got back up stronger than before. That is my added new meaning of success.

While volunteering as a high school teacher in Bhutan, my aha moment related to success came to me. One of the literature books had a collection of essays. One was entitled Gross National Happiness: A Tribute. The title caught my attention, and I proceeded to read it. Surprisingly, its impact on me changed my perspective about success and myself. Astonished, the words “the worth of people is measured not by what they have, but by what they are,” written by Thakur S. Powdyel, gave me much food for thought. It was the beginning of me looking at my life and myself differently. 

Any possessions or accomplishments I had were already part of the meaning of success. But overcoming my many challenges was also a part of my success. This massive eye-opener flabbergasted me.

I may not be anyone you know, but I have had many challenges. One fortuneteller told me, “You have had more adversities than the average person, but don’t worry, you overcome them all.” At first, I wanted to cry because it was like saying I was fated to have much adversity, but in the next moment, I was glad to know that though it would keep coming my way, I would face and overcome them all. Like a bamboo, I may bend and fall, but I will stand back up. This newly added meaning to success soothes my soul to know some meaning to this life of mine could also inspire others.

Overcoming the fear of aging by tackling it with a change in perspective and behavior has led me to live more satisfactorily and intentionally. Discovering a new meaning related to success has brought more value and comfort to this life filled with adversities. Both are big eye-opening moments worth celebrating!

So, I Heard
“Mark, I heard you applied for a loan at another mortgage company. Is that true?” I asked. Mark immediately got out of his seat and left my office. Before I could digest what had happened, I had minutes before conducting my team meeting, which was to include Mark, my team’s star player. Puzzled and shocked at Mark’s abrupt exit, I asked myself, what happened? I just asked him a simple question for a yes or no answer. After my meeting, I called Mark for some answers.

Mark did not answer my call. I spoke with my partner, who was processing Mark’s application for a loan, and discovered that Mark was also applying for a loan elsewhere. Though it was not illegal to apply for a loan from two different companies, I asked what we could do to serve his needs in a loan better. I called Mark again but did not reach him.

Our relationship was not simply between a liaison and a client but also of teammates trying to build a team of people working to help others secure loans. It was a network marketing structure of work where you recruit and form teams to create wealth in the mortgage industry. Mark had brought in many recruits from his job, and his friends brought in other people. It looked like the beginning of me having a team that would make some decent money. 

Mark’s sudden and unexpected exit left me baffled. Was it that I caught him doing it, and he didn’t like that we discovered what he did? Why couldn’t we discuss why he felt the need to look elsewhere? Did he not trust that we were looking out for his best interest? I didn’t know the answer because Mark had never returned any of my calls, and I never saw him again.

The worst part was that I saw one teammate after another leave at each weekly team meeting. They were the ones that Mark recruited. Within weeks, none of his teammates were present. They asked me why he was not showing up, so they didn’t know what happened either. Soon, the budding team I thought I had died before it could bloom.

A month later, I received my first five-digit income check. It was from the one loan Mark applied for. He applied to two places to see who would give him a better deal and decided we had the better one. He left me. His whole team left, too. But he left me with my first five-digit income check, which was three times my monthly salary as a teacher!

Though I reaped the rewards of the painstaking work of recruiting people and hoping to make a sale to put food on the table, I was also confused by Mark’s actions. I didn’t know what to make of it, and it took me many years to realize what I had learned from the experience.

Perhaps Mark thought I had accused him of wrongdoing, but I still think it was because I found out he had applied for a loan with another mortgage company, and he hadn’t told me. At any rate, I only recently realized I had learned something from that experience of long ago.

In my new job, I am often called to mediate and communicate something. One manager asked me to talk to Dustin, one of the people I supervise. She said someone told her that Dustin used profanity in front of some kids. I called Dustin in to talk to him. Instead of first asking if he spoke profanity, I prefaced it with some background. I said, “A parent called the manager and said something about you. I don’t know if it is true, so I want to hear your thoughts.” Of course, Dustin asked me what was said. I told him a kid went home and told his parents his teacher said a bad word in class. Dustin admitted that he did. I let him know that kids can sometimes be challenging and could cause one to be angry and say something inappropriate. I gave Dustin some suggestions on what to do when there is a feeling of anger coming on. He didn’t walk out on me in a huff.

I realized the way I handled the situation with Dustin was a reflection of being affected by what happened with Mark many years ago. Maybe Mark thought I accused him of something, so he left our business together. I didn’t want Dustin to think I was accusing him of any wrongdoing. I wanted him to know I heard something and wanted to inquire and find out what happened from his perspective. This strategy has worked for me to help others. I didn’t realize I had worked out a solution from my experience working with Mark! And I applied the method many times before I recalled what happened with Mark.

Indeed, we may not always learn our lessons or resolve issues immediately, but they could manifest themselves in other places! Food for thought: we can learn lessons even when we are unaware of them or don’t realize them until later!

Key Takeaways
Though aging and failure cannot be avoided, I can embrace them by learning lessons and living life fully.

Though I lost a business partner that could have potentially helped my business grow more, I learned how to approach others when they are suspected of wrongdoing.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories calledWhy I am Quiet & The Undisciplined. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!