Two Gasping Eye-Opening Moments (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Two Gasping Eye-Opening Moments & Life Predetermined or Not.

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Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:05 Two Gasping Eye-Opening Moments
• 13:31 Life Predetermined or Not
• 19:52 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #175 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Two Gasping Eye-Opening Moments & Life Predetermined or Not.

Two Gasping Eye-Opening Moments
As I sent my long-distance and first boyfriend off at the airport, I said goodbye. As I got out of the car of my last boyfriend countless times after a date, I said bye. Strangely, decades later, I discovered that my first and last boyfriend asked, "Why don't you turn around after we said our goodbyes?" I thought it odd that two boyfriends, decades apart, said the same thing. That did not make me gasp, but upon reflecting, I discovered why I didn't turn around after my goodbyes. The answer as to why was a shocking, eye-opening moment. Those who heard me share the story aloud gasped. I was utterly astonished myself. I am still stunned and in disbelief!

Auntie Zelda felt I had a connection with kids and wanted me to babysit my first cousin. My boyfriend Keith's mom babysat a kid, and when the baby stopped crying at the sight of me, he said I had a connection with kids. I grew up to be a teacher, and my colleagues said I had a connection with kids because my students swarmed over to hug me at recess time like no other. I loved kids and wanted to make a difference for them, but I was always afraid of having one of my own. I had different answers as to why when people asked, but many decades later when I discovered the deep-seated reason, I trembled at the realization.

I noticed that these two seemingly different instances appear to connect with a question that started with why. Why didn't you turn around after we said our goodbyes? Why didn't you have any kids of your own? As I unearthed the answers, more shocking was how the answer to both questions had something in common!

You and I have said goodbye to many people over the years, so what is different about my goodbyes with two boyfriends? It wasn't just that they both asked why I didn't turn around; it was that those two instances linked together led to a shocking realization decades later and explained a buried stinging pain. Buried so deep, I didn't even know it was there. Once unearthed, tears flooded my eyes, bringing me back to a childhood I would rather forget.

As a mature woman sitting in a writing class, the instructor gave a writing assignment near the end of class. He said, "Write a story called "The Goodbye." "Before you start writing, envision what it looked like when you parted." I immediately started seeing it in my mind and quickly asked myself why I was seeing that goodbye. Why was I seeing that person? That person was so far away from my daily life for most of my life, so why did her image come to mind? Before I could come up with an answer, it was time to leave class.

Soon after arriving home, I began writing my story, " The Goodbyes." I wrote about the goodbyes with each boyfriend. I loved these two the most and thought the story would be just about describing the scenarios with them in relation to goodbyes. Little did I know that as my fingers tapped away on the keyboard, an earthquake rumbled inside me, sending aftershocks rattling me. I saw my mother dashing to leave at the airport. 

Whenever Mom visited Grandma's house where I lived, she would go on an airplane to return to my father, brothers, and sisters. Each time Uncle Holden drove her to the airport, I asked to tag along. No one seemed to care if I was there or not, except for me. Mom always seemed to be in a hurry. She would dash to the departing gate, and Uncle Holden and I would stand there to make sure she entered the gangway. As soon as she did, Uncle Holden would say, "Let's go home." Then I saw it. What caused the tremors inside of me was flashbacks of Mom disappearing into the gangways at the airport. Every time she left, she never turned around to look at me, wave goodbye, or say goodbye. 

Suddenly, I understood why I didn't turn around after saying goodbye to my boyfriends. It was because Mom never turned around. I never remembered those airport scenes with Mom until my writing instructor asked me to picture a goodbye. Unbeknownst to me, this story created an aha moment that brought the bottled-up pain in the little girl in me to cry profusely. As I shared my story aloud in my writing class, my eyes watered, and my voice shook. I could still hear the unexpected gasps from the audience. They were as surprised as I was at the revelation! 

Though I realized that I didn't turn around to say goodbye to others because I saw that Mom never turned around to say goodbye to me, there was another part to the eye-opening moment. It was hidden from me for so long because it was too painful to bear. Feeling and thinking that my mom didn't love me was unbearable. Maybe I had that long and uncontrollable cry because I finally felt the pain of having a mother who never loved me, and that little girl in me desperately wanted my mother's love. It was eye-opening because I didn't see it and didn't want to see it.

Another shocking moment came when I discovered why I never wanted to become a mom. Since I love children and became an elementary school teacher, you would think I would wish to have some children of my own, but I never had the desire to have one. Though I became a teacher because I wanted to make a difference for children, I enjoyed being with them the most. When I am with children, I am me with no pretense. I don't care what they think; I don't care what their opinions are about anything, including me. I feel free to say anything and be unconcerned about how anything may make me look to them. 

Today, I told my students they were not getting a new teacher. In frankness, I told them they were not kind to their last three teachers, so they were not returning. One kid snapped back and said, "I don't want you." I said, "You were not nice to your teachers and said mean things. They left (because you are so naughty), but I am not leaving." "Why?" an eleven-year-old inquired. I said, "I am the only teacher who wants you. I am not going anywhere. You are not getting another teacher because I am the only one who wants you." And so they shut up with their snarky remarks. It is wonderful feeling free to say whatever I want without worrying about being too straightforward! I am so comfortable in my own skin when around children, so why wouldn't I want to have some of my own? I didn't, and nothing was going to change my mind.

After I got married, poor Hubby thought we would have a house full of children. I told him I loved my teaching career and didn't see how I could juggle being a mom and a teacher. Secretly, I thought it was because I didn't want to lose my freedom, and I was deftly afraid of labor pains. I truly believed those were the reasons or had convinced myself that there wasn't any other reason why I was not having kids.

While taking a personal development course one day, there was an exercise where we were to repeat a story we had in our mind. It had to be a story we repeatedly told ourselves. The instructions were to repeat the story over and over until we "disappeared" it. The goal was to rid the story that negatively impacted us. The facilitator instructed the listeners of our story not to make any comments or suggestions. This part was most unnerving because it was like talking to a wall.

I repeated my story over and over. The more I repeated it, the angrier I got because the other person who was the listener did not give me any response. I wanted him to agree with me. I wanted him to understand how right I was. I wanted him to be convinced, chime in, and be my cheerleader. Instead, a feelingless robot stoically looked at me. I began to raise my voice in anger. "Don't you think my mom is a horrible person? She tossed me out at age five and didn't take care of me, and it left me feeling unloved and unwanted. Isn't she despicable? I hate her; I hate her! I never want to be a mom like her!

Suddenly, I awoke to the realization of why I never wanted to have children. I was terrified that I would become a mom like my mom. To ensure that it would never happen, I made sure I didn't have children. That was the reason hidden from me. I thought it was the labor pains I was afraid of; I thought it was the loss of freedom I was terrified about, but it wasn't. It was the horrifying thought that I would turn out to be a mother like my mom. No child deserved such pain; I refused to have a child for them to have the slightest chance of getting a mother like mine. 

I don't have children. But don't feel sad for me. My job fills me with all the joy that kids bring. Having taught hundreds of children, I've had lots of fun, but now I've gotten tired of them! I look forward to a retirement with no noisy children around.

These two eye-opening moments left me stunned, and I was shocked even more when I realized that they both had something to do with my mother. The woman who hardly raised me, the mother who was such an insignificant part of my life in my physical reality, pounded all over me like an elephant. The stomping pain revealed the enormous impact Mom had on me even though she wasn't much in my physical life. No doubt, anyone could affect you tremendously, no matter how much time you spend together. Despite the negative impact, I am thankful to have had those eye-opening moments because they explained the deep-seated reasons behind my thoughts, which led to particular actions. From a horrified gasp to a sigh of relief, I can change my attitude or perception to give myself comfort and positivity. I didn't have a mother who loved me, but the most important person to love is to love myself. The greatest gift I can give is love, and I have given it to hundreds of children and others. Let me dry my tears.

Life Predetermined or Not
Some say your life is determined even before birth, and others say you or your environment determine your life. The debate continues but let's look at one life and decide. Is it one or the other? Is it a bit of both?

My mom was overwhelmed with three kids when I was five and decided I was the one to go live with Grandma because I required little maintenance. The five-year-old me decided I must be unworthy for Mother to send me away. Living with relatives, my uncles told me I didn't belong in their family. The five-year-old me decided that I didn't belong anywhere. While getting ready for college, my uncles thought I was not smart enough to attend college. Grandma said I came from my father, so I couldn't be smart. Grandpa saw a report card with four A's and one A- and deemed me not bright. The teenage me decided I was not smart enough. Mom always bragged about how beautiful her eldest daughter was; Grandma implied that I must be the ugly duckling in my biological family because she tried to assure me that I looked just fine. The teenage me decided I was the ugly duckling with a hideous and short haircut, while my sisters had long, wavy hair. Almost ready for college, I needed money to go. My uncles told me that no one was going to pay for it. My grandparents were too poor, and my parents had long relinquished their responsibility for me when I was five, so I didn't have the money to go to college. According to family or relatives, they did not expect me to amount to much and treated me as such.

Stuck in a bad marriage and desperate to know my future, a psychic told me an unbelievable story of a lady who fell in love with my dad, but he married my mom. Because my dad married my mom, the lady sought a witch to put a curse on his family. The curse was that his family would never know or have love. Because the lady who loved my dad could not have him, she decided his family would not have love. The psychic further said that the curse was first zapped when my mom was pregnant with me, so the most potent dose of the curse landed on me. Thus, if I were to have any love in my life, I would experience the excruciating pain of love. I thought the story outrageous, but I was also frightened that it was true because I could have evidence to deem it correct.

Long before my marriage, a fortune teller told me I would marry a man who loved me, but it would end in divorce. It happened. Was I doomed? Was I cursed before I was even born? I shudder to think if someone could curse a whole family. It happened in the movies, but could it happen in real life?

I come from a family that has little love for each other. Though I grew up with my grandparents' family, I knew about my loveless biological family, where mom compared and pitted her daughters against each other. Each kid was sent away at some point before they were even teenagers, except for the eldest, who was never sent away. With a total of six kids, it was always sibling rivalry created by Mom and zero stories of love and fun together. There was never any togetherness, even when there was a marriage or a funeral to attend. I can't remember if there was ever a time when all six kids were together under one roof. Was that because of the supposed curse or not? One fortune teller told me to stay far away from my immediate family because they would only bring no good to my life. Were my efforts and hopes for a relationship with my family useless?

Could your life be predetermined? According to fortune tellers and psychics, they are. I didn't want to believe them, but the fortunetellers I encountered told me things that came true 5,10 and even 20 years later. As for the psychic, it scares me to think it could be true.

The kid who grew up in an environment feeling unworthy, unloved, stupid, and outcasted fought back with determination to make a life determined by me. Call it a survival instinct or a need to prove others wrong or say I can't do something. I found a way to get myself to college without the help of relatives. I discovered my uniqueness to belong to my own group and stand out from others. I have a Master's degree and various other credentials or licenses to say I was smart enough to get through college. I bought a house on my own, got a successful career, had five marriage proposals and one marriage. That was the result of a life that was not supposed to amount to much. 

Though I may be proud of those achievements, my most significant accomplishments are not those things. Though my family deemed me unworthy, I considered myself worthy by making a difference to the hundreds of children I have taught. While my family thought me unworthy of love, five proposals and a number of boyfriends would say otherwise. Though my grandparents and uncles thought I was not smart enough for college, I got a Bachelor's and Master's degree. My greatest accomplishments were not all of those but my ability to overcome one adversity after another. Attacks and setbacks did not stop me. Creativity, courage, determination, tenacity, flexibility, strength, and a never-give-up attitude were all needed to endure and overcome. 

Predetermined or not predetermined to be unworthy, I decided to make myself a worthy life; it is a choice in my book.

Key Takeaways
Though I never had any children, I have no regrets because I never wanted to be a mom like my mom.

Though I discovered a part of life could be predetermined or out of my control,I  realized I still had control over how I respond to whatever happens and steer my life’s direction.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called One of the Friends & From Leaving to Appreciating. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!