Two Surprising Lessons Learned (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Two Surprising Lessons Learned & From  Dreading to Welcoming It.

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Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:02 Two Surprising Lessons Learned
• 13:01 From Dreading to Welcoming
• 19:10 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #174 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Two Surprising Lessons Learned & From Dreading to Welcoming It.

Two Surprising Lessons Learned
One encounter with a fortune teller changed my long-held perspective about life. One move to another country altered a view that affected my freedom. They were big. They were surprising. They were eye-opening.

I wanted to know my future, but at the same time, I was afraid to know. If it was bad, did I want to know? And can your future be predicted or foreseen by fortune tellers? Despite my worries and concerns, I took the chance to see a fortune teller. Aside from what the fortune teller told me about my future, I learned something that forever changed one aspect of my perspective in life. Because it was the opposite of how I saw life, it also shattered a part of my belief system. How could a fortune teller do that to me?!

I didn’t want to move to a foreign country and live in a rat hole, but I thought that was what I would get myself into if I moved. Desperate to get away and begin anew after a devastating breakup, I moved abroad, expecting to live in a rat hole. I sold, donated, and dumped many of my belongings because I couldn’t carry or fit all my things in a rat hole. To my surprise, the excruciating process of reducing the number of things I had shattered another part of my belief system. How did I not know that my way of thinking had restricted the freedom I valued so much?!

I always believed that the way our lives turned out was a result of what we did and the decisions we made. In other words, I thought I was in control of my life. I was the boss of my life. I know not where those ideas came from, but it has served me well to think that all the power was in my hands. Now, I think I had to believe it because it gave me power. Because I thought I had the power, I took charge and made many decisions swiftly. The fighter in me still attempts to exert my power by insisting that I can solve all my problems and achieve most goals. And when goals and difficulties don’t produce a positive result, I beat myself up! The result is many invisible bruises and blows to my self-worth.

With my belief system ingrained, I didn’t believe that a fortune teller could predict anyone’s future. However, I was curious and thought it would be fun. I also thought it would be scary; what if they could predict my future? I wanted to know, yet I was afraid to know. If it was good, there was no problem. If it was terrible, how could I live with it? Like tossing and turning when you can’t sleep, I mulled back and forth about whether or not I should see a fortune teller.

My sister Hannah was getting married, and Mom went to see a fortune teller to see if Hannah’s future husband was a good fit for her. That was the first time I learned about real fortune tellers. Based on Hannah and her fiance’s birthdate, the fortune teller told Mom it was a bad fit. Mom told Hannah not to marry her beloved. Hannah rebelled or didn’t believe in such things and married her fiancé Dylan. Dylan turned out to be an abusive husband who beat her. They didn’t have furniture in their house, not even a bed. She got pregnant, and they ended in a lengthy and nasty divorce. What happened to my sister gave me a lot of food for thought. 

Was our destiny in our control, or are we predestined to a particular life? I struggled to grapple with the idea that our lives are predestined, but I wanted to know if it was possible. After all, look what happened to my sister! 

When I went to Hong Kong, I asked my old college buddy Evan to bring me to a fortune teller. I needed his help to translate what someone would say into English. Evan complied and brought me to the famous Wong Tai Sin Temple. Many fortune tellers sat at small tables scattered around the outdoor open area of the temple. Evan told me to pick one, and we’d walk over there. Excited and scared at the same time, my eyes scanned the area. I chose an older man who was bald with a few strands of hair. He sat quietly, looking at a book, and did not try to usher me over to choose him, so I picked him. 

Bundled in my winter coat with my arms crossed inside my sleeves, I sat on a stool, as did Evan. The fortune teller asked for my birthdate, time of birth, and name. He looked at my palms and fingers. He observed my ears and face. With those pieces of information, he viewed his reference book for a few minutes and then began to tell me about my future. When he paused between sentences, I jumped in to ask questions about my past. I wanted to know if he was for real. If he could accurately tell me about my past, then I might believe what he said about my future. Every chance I had, I asked about my past. He complied and answered all my questions about the past. He was correct, but how did he know? We were strangers. How could he know? Puzzled and amazed simultaneously, it was hard to digest everything I heard. But I heard him and kept it all in my memory bank because I wanted to know if his predictions would come true. No doubt, I still questioned whether our lives are predestined or not.

Through the years, I kept tabs on the information I received. One happened ten years later. Another happened seventeen years later. Two happened twenty-five years later. I particularly remembered these four related to marriage, kids, and career because I doubted they would happen the way he said they would happen or that they would happen at all. To my surprise, they all occurred in the detailed way he said they would. You could say it confirmed to me that our life is predestined, but a part of me refuses to believe it all together.

How did this fortune teller change my perspective on life? I thought I had control of everything in my life, but after seeing him, I learned I did not. Because nearly all that he said did eventually happen, I reluctantly acknowledged that there are things in life we have no control over. There are a few things left that have not yet happened. One is my death, so I am not eagerly waiting for that to happen. I shifted from thinking I had control over everything to acknowledging that there are things I have no control over. Still unwilling to let go of my long-held beliefs, I accepted a “compromise.” My life could be predestined, as suggested by the fortune teller, but I have control over how I respond to what happens in my life. With that, I reclaim my power to hold the reins and direct my life the way I want in my mind. I get to choose how I see things; I decide how I will interpret what happens in my life. I choose how I feel or react to whatever happens. One surprising lesson I learned is that when I can do nothing about something, I need to let it be. Accepting things as they are is a relief from tensions that produce pain. Who wants more pain? I tell myself to let it go. When I can, I let it go and grant myself freedom.

My friend who came from the island where I was moving to told me that homes were not as big as the home I lived in unless I was one of the wealthy people there. I envisioned living in a rat hole. I couldn’t fit all my belongings in it, so I had to sell, donate, or dump most of my possessions. The process of doing it was painful because it was letting go of many things I had worked long and hard to buy and own. It was like throwing away money into the garbage can. I cringe just thinking about it. I never had an excess of money, so what little I had was of great value to me. 

After the torture of selling, donating, and disposing of many possessions, a strange sensation came over me. It was as if I lost weight because I felt lighter. I could carry or move myself more quickly without weight pinning me down to move in slow motion. My head was more lightweight. Like a child, I was giddy with joy to skip and hop with a carefree spirit. Moving from having so much to so few possessions was also moving from many burdens to few worries. That was a surprise I did not expect.

Upon arrival on an island far away from home, I lived in a studio apartment with no kitchen. It wasn’t a rat hole but a fraction of what I lived in previously. Oddly, I did not miss all the things I got rid of. I honestly thought I would be living an inconvenient life, but I quickly learned that I didn’t need a lot of physical things to have a comfortable life. I didn’t have a kitchen, but grabbing a bite down the street in an outdoor marketplace was convenient and inexpensive. I no longer had a car, but I still had my two feet and convenient public transportation outside my door. I no longer had car maintenance or car insurance bills to pay. My home had less clutter, and my mind got less cluttered! I gained more space to learn new things and notice more things. My house was much smaller than my last home, but it gave me fewer chores and errands. 

I soon discovered that the fewer things I had, the more time and freedom I had. Instead of spending more time on chores and errands, I spent more time playing and exploring new places. Now, I even have time for many hobbies I enjoy. My vacation time was all vacation time with no house projects or maintenance work. It was most surprising and eye-opening to learn that less is much more! 

I learned that I can’t control everything in life, even though I wanted to be in control of it all. But it is good that I can’t because thinking so only resulted in more pressure and burden on me. Going with the flow or accepting things as they are relieves some everyday stresses. Why was I so blind to that? I can only be happy for the comfort this surprising lesson has brought me.

I gathered that owning more things did not bring more happiness or freedom. Luckily, the decision to move abroad to start a new life allowed me to learn where material goods can be with us and the value of time and freedom. Why did it take such a big move for me to discover this treasure? I can only be thankful for the happiness I enjoy in having the freedom and time to spend on my passions, hobbies, and travel. Lessons learned.

From Dreading to Welcoming It
The fear and anxiety of the approaching next chapter in life seemed to loom closer and closer as each birthday only reminded me that I was only getting older and older. After having survived half a century, I celebrated each birthday with an accomplishment or two. With one year of work or practice to ensure that the result would be a success, I set the goal for the next birthday on the day of my birthday. It could be an item or activity on my bucket list or a dream that I want to transform into a reality. Whatever it was, I was determined to have something to celebrate on my birthday. Despite the success thus far, I was still dreading the day I would retire because it meant I was officially a senior. The day has not yet arrived, but the dread and the forthcoming day keep getting closer and closer. Thoughts of it were depressing, but after some research, I moved from dreading it to welcoming it!

The dread came from envisioning loneliness and pointless days. Sure, I could have many things to do because I have many hobbies and two great passions for writing and learning a second language, but will I tire of them by doing them daily? Though I thoroughly enjoy my alone time, will I enjoy it seven days a week? Even though I have been saving my whole life for the retirement chapter of life, did I save enough? How can I know when I am not certain about my expiration date? How long will I stay healthy and be able to live independently without assistance? When I need assisted living, will I be able to afford it, even though I have saved for that, too? If I can’t, what will become of me? I am alone in sorting it all out; my only backup is me, but that has been the case for most of my life. The unanswered questions bring worry, concern, and dread. The day will come, and I can’t avoid it because time will continue to move forward, and I will continue to age. I can’t stop it. A moment of helplessness ensues but cannot stay. I am a survivor and must find a solution.

My travel buddy Lydia and I arrived in Kunming, China, to study the Chinese language only five years ago. We had such fun that we both commented that a perfect day was studying something we loved and exploring or traveling to new places. With a little sigh, I said, “If only I didn’t need to work. I would be happy just taking classes I enjoyed, exploring nearby places, and traveling to other areas.”

Lydia and I took classes in the morning and afternoon, and we loved them immensely. I was thrilled to have a buddy who loved learning the language as much as I did. The program provided breakfast and lunch. I was happy I didn’t need to cook or go search for food for every meal. Sometimes, we had time between classes and went out exploring new places or trying different kinds of food or drinks. Hurrying back to class, riding on her rented scooter was thrilling. Before dinner, we’d roam the streets, discovering new things, and during dinner, we’d have much to share. Life couldn’t be better; we were living it up!

While searching online, I discovered a retirement village with many classes I would enjoy, such as karaoke singing, yoga, aerobics, calligraphy, painting, drama, computer skills, and more. There are also different trails to go hiking on, and the area is surrounded by nature. With healthy meals prepared, hiking trails, loads of classes, health check-ups, security, shuttles to the market, day trips, and more, a startling thought crossed my mind.

At this retirement village, my physical health and safety would be monitored. I can stop worrying about health-related issues and no one to care for me. My social life can be filled with the classes I take and the people I meet at meals, day trips, or hiking so that I can eliminate the loneliness issue. Knowing the price of living there helps me plan for it and already knowing my spending habits and monthly expenditures, a sigh of relief comes to me. I can afford it. With an environment of nature surrounding me, I can rest assured of a peaceful and happy existence. I could eliminate everything that worried me by living in the retirement village I found. Now, that once-dreaded day can’t come soon enough!

What I dreaded, the retirement chapter, suddenly became something I welcome and can’t wait to embark on! My thoughts ran wild to planning my daily schedule. Wake up in the morning, hike near home, go to the cafeteria for breakfast, and go home for a shower. Write a story or read aloud my stories for a podcast. Go to lunch and take an afternoon class. Go to dinner, chill, self-learn a foreign language, or write another story for my memoir. Other days could be an outing or nearby explorations. I could spend some evenings playing a board game with fellow seniors or chatting over tea. Like that trip with my travel buddy Lydia, where I wished my days could be learning, explorations, and traveling, I now can’t wait to start living my dream life, my best chapter of life! My initial gloom and doom vision made a 180-degree turn to the opposite! 

Key Takeaways  
Though I lost many possessions and have no control over many things, fewer belongings have brought me more freedom, and fewer attempts to control have brought more relief.

Though I dreaded the approaching retirement, I now look forward to it because of a plan in place and a change in perspective.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called Two Gasping Eye-Opening Moments & Life Predetermined or Not. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!