Moving Past the Past (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Moving Past the Past & You Don't Know.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:01 Moving Past the Past
• 16:47 You Don't Know
• 20:15 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #169 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Moving Past the Past & You Don't Know.

Moving Past the Past
It had been ten years since the devastating breakup numbed me and brought me into a fetal position on my bathroom floor, but it haunted me in my dreams for ten years. Mom sent me away when I was five; it happened a long time ago, but I didn't know the story I had in my head as to why she did it, lived in my head to control how I was for over forty years. A number of colleagues were jealous of my accomplishments; I endured the stabs and didn't know how to deal with them for over twenty years. I went into business by choice but failed miserably, and the failure weighed on me for ten years. Looking into the past may not always be an enjoyable journey, and even when you don't think you are looking, you could be controlled or affected by it, so what can you do to move past the past?

That breakup that devastated me led me to move abroad to escape the devastation. I thought I left it behind because I was engrossed and immersed in a world vastly different from where I came from. I was so busy with work and exploring new places that I rarely thought about him, but how did that breakup haunt me? Once a year, he would show up in my dreams. I would awaken in horror that I was reliving the heartbreak. My head would burn like fire, and I could not go back to sleep. The heat flowed through my body as I fumed over how he cheated on me after nine years of being with him. My forehead wrinkles were strained in pain thinking about it. Fortunately, he was not in my thoughts while awake, but the brief moment he appeared in my dreams was too much. 

After returning home from abroad, I was in the neighborhood where I used to live. Thoughts of him could not escape me as the places we once frequented reminded me of him. Now, he invaded my thoughts while I was awake. His image hung around me for too long like a ghost that wouldn't disappear. I had to resolve the problem and eliminate his intrusion into my waking hours in the present. I decided to take a personal development course in the Landmark Forum program. I did not know how it would help me, but I knew it would, as it always performed miracles for me. 

I heard someone complain about her family, which had nothing similar to my problem. I don't remember the details, but I recall what the facilitator said. She said something like, "So how long are you going to make yourself suffer?" It hit me; it struck like lightning. I suddenly realized that as long as I made myself right and my ex-boyfriend wrong, I suffered. As long as I did not forgive him, I endured more pain. I caused my pain. My eyes popped out when I realized that the pain was self-inflicted. But in the next moment, I was liberated because if I caused it, I could do something to change it. The power was in my hands. Miraculously, the heavy rock in my head disappeared, and from that day forward, the nightmares stopped, and the pain in thinking about him dissipated. I finally moved past the past by forgiving him and myself.

That story I created about why Mom sent me away when I was five lived in my head as a fact for over forty years. The five-year-old me believed I was unwanted and unloved, so that was why I was sent away. The belief from the past stayed with me to cause abandonment issues, never believing anyone would truly love me, and more. Whenever anyone was late to meet me, I would get angry. I always thought it was because they disrespected my time or I didn't like waiting and wasting time. After forty-plus years of getting angry over the tardiness of people, it took one boyfriend who made me wait over two hours in his car for a bomb to explode from within me. I called a taxi and got out of his car to wait for the cab. I wanted to be gone before my boyfriend showed up. I hoped he would be frantic, worried, and sorry for making me wait so long. Anxious for the taxi to arrive, I paced back and forth unnerved. The sparks in my brain must have ignited something to suddenly cause me to have an eye-opening moment.

Startled in my pacing tracks, I stopped moving to see the image of me waiting for my mother, who never came to pick me up. I suddenly realized why I always got angry when people were late to meet me or pick me up. It was an abandonment issue I never knew I had. Simultaneously, I realized why I was always the one to break up with boyfriends or part with anyone, even if things were fine. It was because I was afraid of abandonment, and to ensure that no one would abandon me, I left them first. Like the tremors of an earthquake, I trembled inside at realizing what I had done all my life and why I did it.

After the shocking realization, my perspective on lateness shifted. Now, whenever someone is late, I will think that someone is busy with something and that it didn't have anything to do with disrespecting my time or abandoning me. Still, I wouldn't say I like to wait, so now I will call to see what happened or how much longer before an arrival. The many years of fuming over tardiness stopped. I left my past belief in the past where it belonged. I moved past the past by realizing the deep-seated reason behind my tardiness-related anger.

Those people who were jealous of my accomplishments stabbed me in the back by saying mean things about me behind my back. I never knew how to deal with it, and I only worked harder and more quietly. It took more than twenty-five years before an epiphany woke me up. It may have been obvious to others but not to me. I was embarrassingly clueless when I finally recognized it. 

While discussing work issues over the phone with my friend Everett, I told him I had an issue where co-workers were jealous of how well I did my job. It was a problem because I knew they talked behind my back and made up unkind stories about me. Everett gave me a perspective that I never considered. It was so simple, yet I did not see it. I always thought it was the other person's problem that they did not like it when I did better than them or accomplished more. Everett said, "I wish I had your problem; I wish I had co-workers who were jealous of me." I laughed at the absurdity, but he was serious. He explained, "I wish I had someone jealous of me because that would mean I have something of great value they want and don't have." I gasped. I never saw it that way. After over twenty years into my career, it was the first time I fully acknowledged my career accomplishments and the value of me. Like a giddy schoolgirl, I chuckled in contentment and chirped like an uncaged songbird in my mind. It helped me move forward, unburdened by the distress that jealousy could bring. I moved past the past by understanding why people were jealous of me.

That business, where I gave up my successful career to do and failed miserably, branded me as a failure and a dreamer. I joined a network marketing business because I was sold a dream of becoming a millionaire. Weekly meetings and annual conventions provided the environment to dream big and believe that we could make our dreams come true. The system allowed anyone to do the job provided they had the motivation and determination to work and produce results. I jumped in with great enthusiasm. 

I worked tirelessly and tried many ways to find clients and business partners. All my efforts produced little results. Approaching and talking to strangers was not easy for an introvert like me. Attempting to make sales like a door-to-door salesperson was no easy feat when there was a high rejection rate. Working day and night with no pay for most days was not easy to bear. Had it not been for my savings from my previous career, I would have starved to death. Yet, I refused to give up in the five years of effort. 

My efforts only stopped when the company went out of business. Unable to pay the mortgage, I soon lost my house in a short sale. My savings were depleted, and I discovered my boyfriend cheated on me. In financial and emotional ruin, I hit rock bottom. I called my venture into the business my greatest failure. Nobody seemed to care, but the shame I carried on my back weighed me down like a boulder constantly stuck on my back. My friends called me too ambitious; there is no such thing in my book, but the words hurt me.

Ten years later, I was on the phone chatting with a friend. The topics were about our most significant accomplishments and our greatest failures. I shared about my business venture, and Everett had many questions about it. He asked how I could do it for so long when there were so many rejections. Everett couldn't understand. He said he once passed out flyers to sell something, and most people would throw his flyers in the garbage. He did it for only a month and quit, so he couldn't understand how I could do something like that for five years. "How could you keep doing it if you were not making money?" he inquired. 

The more questions Everett asked, the more annoyed I got. Finally, I said I shared everything I had to share and had nothing left to say about it. To my surprise, Everett said he asked because he wanted to know, and it inspired him. I let Everett know that I was not happy talking further about it because it only reminded me of my greatest failure. Everett again surprised me with his comment. He said it was not a failure and that I was a success. My response was, "You are talking nonsense!" Everett explained that I demonstrated an enormous amount of determination, tenacity, strength, and courage that few could do. He again begged to know how I could endure it for five years and not give up in the face of near starvation. 

Everett didn't fully convince me that I was a success or that it was not a failure. However, I soon remembered something I read only a month before my conversation with Everett. I was in Bhutan as a volunteer to teach English literature in high school. In my lesson planning, I stumbled upon an essay by Thakur Singh Powdyel, Bhutan's minister of education. The essay was about happiness and success, so it caught my attention. Powdyel wrote. "the worth of people is measured not by what they have, but what they are." That part of a sentence changed everything for me. I suddenly realized that I had called myself a failure because I did not become a millionaire in my business venture and that I had defined success as the amount of money I earned. My perception of success began to shift. Based on what I read, how much we have in possessions does not define our success in life; rather, who we are as a person does. The reading lifted my spirits and gave me hope. I didn't have to be a millionaire to be considered a successful person. All I needed was to be a decent human being, where I could be proud of some of my character traits. I may not have been a financial success in business, but I sharpened my skills to demonstrate qualities of courage, determination, resilience, and more. I moved past the past by shifting my perception of the meaning of success and failure.

Looking back to the past is sometimes difficult and painful, but it is needed to help move forward. My shattered heart led me to learn forgiveness. My business failure led me to discover another meaning of success. Others' jealousy of me led me to realize the value of me. My self-created negative story about my mother led me to discover the impact of it and that the power is in my hands to change the narrative of my stories to empower myself. Indeed, we can move past the past to move forward to brighter days!

You Don’t Know
You don’t know the joy of sprawling on the bed on a lazy Sunday afternoon 

Unless you didn’t have the freedom to do so, like when I had a controlling husband.

You don’t know the joy of conversing for hours on the phone 

Unless another person in the house restricts your phone usage.

You don’t know the joy of freedom from fear

Until you go skydiving.

You don’t know the joy of meeting challenges

Until you strengthen your character as a result of it.

You don’t know the joy of uncovering deep-seated truths

Until you have had epiphanies or eye-opening moments.

You don’t know the joy of a travel education and expanding your views

Unless you have gallivanted around the globe.

You don’t know the joy of feeling calmness amid nature and solitude

Unless you walked in nature or sat in prolonged silence like I did in Bhutan.

You don’t know the joy of financial freedom

Unless you could disregard the price tags.

You don’t know the joy of charting your own paths

Unless it was already determined for you.

You don’t know the joy of having the freedom to make your own choices

Unless someone made them for you or imposed them on you.

You don’t know the pain of abandonment

Unless your mother dropped you off and never returned to pick you up like mine.

You don’t know the pain of having no money for college

Unless you had to find the funds yourself.

You don’t know the pain of roaming the streets hungry and tired

Unless you were homeless, even if it would be for a few days.

You don’t know the pain of a broken heart

Unless your boyfriend shattered your heart into pieces like mine did.

You don’t know the pain of betrayal

Until someone cheats on you, like my boyfriend did.

You don’t know the pain of being wronged by others

Unless someone wrongly accuses you, like my grandmother.

You don’t know the pain of disrespect

Until someone disrespects you with unkind words or actions like my students did.

You don’t know the pain of tolerance

Unless you have endured far too long, like having a nagging grandmother.

You don’t know the pain of emotional abuse

Unless someone uses hurtful words directed at you like my ex-husband.

You don’t know the pain of being outcasted

Unless your relatives tell you that you don’t belong like my uncles did.

You cannot appreciate the joys of life without the pains in life.

You cannot appreciate challenges and struggles without growth and learning lessons.

Please don’t wait to lose something before you appreciate it. Value what you have now.

Key Takeaways
Though I faced challenges, I could move past the past with forgiveness, understanding, and shifts in perceptions.

Though pain and struggles happen, they help us learn lessons and appreciate the positives.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called Two Most Memorable Trips & The Beauty of Being Alone. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!