The Worst with The Best (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about The Worst with The Best & Stop Shaming Me.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:00 The Worst with The Best
• 19:17 Stop Shaming Me
• 21:18 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #167 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about The Worst with The Best & Stop Shaming Me.

The Worst with the Best   
With a brief stopover in Hong Kong, I couldn’t resist going to Wong Tai San to have my fortune read. Though I went once before over thirty years ago, I still had a moment of hesitation. Do I want to know? How will I take in the news? More skepticism or more belief in it? It was only a fifteen-minute reading, much different from my last time, which was nearly an hour. Still, it hit me; it left an impression on me.

The fortuneteller said I had much adversity in my life, more than the average person. He was right, but I already knew I had a lot; I didn’t need him to tell me that! It was depressing, but in the same sentence, he had an uplifting part to it. He was so matter-of-fact about it, as if my demise was no big deal! His words stayed with me to jab me in one moment and comfort me in the next moment.

Though half his sentence was a jab, thoughts of my adversities were like knives stuck in me for years if not decades! As I reflected and pondered what he said to me over seven years ago, it occurred to me that I had one to four enormous crises in each decade of life. How am I still alive? I hate that he was correct. I beg to ask again: Was I doomed to have such a wretched life? Could the crises have been avoided? I think I am having another mid-life crisis moment again!

Tossed over to live with Grandma Sandy’s family at age five, I was traumatized. Mom’s decision singlehandedly impacted all my relationships negatively. It left me feeling unwanted and unloved. It led me to believe that no one could love me. I constantly fought to prove my worthiness (to be wanted or loved) and could never be satisfied with anything I did. I always had the thought that I could do better. I was not a happy camper.

As a young teen, Grandma sent me back to Mom because she felt I should enjoy the middle-class life they acquired with a large house. Little did I know that I would struggle to fit into their world. The values I grew up with Grandma were vastly different from Mom’s values, and they were mother and daughter! Grandma instilled in me the value of our ancestry, hard work, and a good education. Mom imparted the value that material goods could buy happiness and looking good to others was most important. I wrestled to find a happy medium, could not agree with Mom’s stance, and hated it. I was miserable living with the biological family I had longed to be a part of but never belonged.

As an older teenager, I asked to go back to live with Grandma; I was more in tune with her values. Mom had no problem tossing me back, but I volunteered to go this time. Though it felt better living with Grandma’s family, enormous hurdles loomed. How would I pay for college when no one would help me? How would I manage working and going to school simultaneously? Fainting spells took over my body. The doctors could not find anything wrong with me and tried to chalk it up to something psychological. I didn’t know either. I only knew I couldn’t wait to go to college because that was my escape route to a better life. The wait was hard to bear. The solution was hard to find.

Twenty-something, I was juggling a full-time job and a full-time student workload. Homework as a teacher and as a student gave me little time to sleep. Why did I need to do both? I needed full-time work to afford tuition for a teaching license to secure my career. I grumbled and moaned. I had no luxury of being a student without working. I had no brighter future without additional higher education. I knew what I wanted and could only bite down to endure the hardship. Could I press on to make it through?

Thirty-something, I got married and divorced, all within the same decade. Never married before, I didn’t know what I was in for. I thought marriage was supposed to be happy, but my husband became a monster after marriage. The honeymoon flew by me. He was controlling and anal. Every day was like walking on eggshells. It was like living in a minefield where you never knew when you could step on the wrong spot and get blown up by my husband’s explosive temper with screaming lectures for an average of two hours. How did I not see it coming when I looked so carefully before I married him? 

Besides trying to figure out how to make the marriage work, I struggled to consider divorce. It meant failure to me, and failure was not acceptable to me. Walking around the house in silence like we were enemies was disheartening. Waking up in a cold house without talking to that person you married was hard to bear. Separating what was mine, what was his, and what was ours was time-consuming and tedious. How much longer could I endure? How can I get out of it unscathed or at least sane?

I thought by my fourth decade, life would be easier, more stable, fewer crises. But four crises challenged my forties! After a nine-year relationship, my boyfriend cheated on me. Breakups I have had some before, but never did I go numb. I became a zombie or a robot with no feelings, but I still breathed like a human. Putting food in my mouth was laborsome as an invisible force sucked the energy and strength out of me. Suddenly, my future was blank; I didn’t want to look into the past, and I could only question the purpose of breathing in the present. I found myself in a most frightening place. Worse, my brain seemed emptied and void of thoughts. With no thoughts, no energy, and no feelings, was I still human?

Just before walking around like a zombie, I went out of business. Five years before that, I had let go of my safe and secure job that I loved to go into business. I struggled to put food on the table for nearly five years, and then the global economic crisis hit. The exact spot hit was right on me because I was engaged in the mortgage industry. All the years of hard work came crashing down on me. All my efforts and my don’t give up attitude did not pay off. 

The betrayal splattered my heart all over the floor. The closure of business mangled my brain into clumps on top of the blood-soaked floor. The hundreds of people I associated with in business all disappeared. And it got worse. I ran out of savings; my bank account emptied. What little I earned was insufficient for daily survival. Pressing on, I sold many belongings, cable TV, subscriptions, gym membership, and ultimately, my house on a short sale. The rest of my body parts were scattered all over the floor. How would I put myself back together? How would I heal from the emotional, mental, social, and physical devastation all around the same time? No boyfriend, no business, no money, and no house anymore. The four whammies in my forties whacked me. They crushed and broke me into smithereens. How would I pull the pieces back together and get off the floor?

As if the four whammies were not bad enough, life got worse or equally horrible during the fifth decade. I quit a job I had loved because it turned sour. I moved back to my old neighborhood, and it hollowed me out again because it reminded me of my cheating ex-boyfriend, the house I lost in a short sale, and the darkest time in my life when I lost everything. The career I once loved was no more, and I wondered what my next career path would be; without direction, I was lost. While searching for what to do to make a living and wanting it to be something I enjoyed, the worldwide Covid-19 pandemic hit. 

My ears heard thunder, and my eyes jumped at the sight of lightning flashing on me. My insides rumbled and shook as my money depleted to the point where I could not afford rent anymore, and I could not move abroad with a job waiting for me because of travel bans. Enveloped in darkness, I wondered if there was light at the end of the tunnel.

Most of my belongings had shipped by sea mail, which took two months. Knowing that sea mail was slow, I hoped my possessions would arrive when I flew abroad. Ready to go, I could not go. Travel bans blocked me, and airlines canceled my attempted flights. Unable to take flight and with funds dwindling and most of my belongings already abroad, would I need to walk the streets homeless?

Five disasters while fifty-something was frightening. Quitting a job, going back to horrible memories of the forties, losing a career direction, facing a global pandemic with little money and belongings with me, and fighting travel bans stomped and pounded me into numbness. Do I have any strength left in me to climb out?

Though I was traumatized when my mom tossed me out as a child, it was a blessing in disguise. Grandma Sandy loved and cared for me for ten years, giving me values, an identity, and a language I treasure deeply.

Even though anxieties, stress, and strain filled my teen years, I lived a few beautiful and precious times. I fell in love for the first time; I found my soul mate, best friend, and lover all wrapped into one to grant me love and support through those trying times of becoming independent. I found the funds to get into college to quench my thirst for knowledge and fill my hunger for freedom. Love and liberty I found amid hopelessness.

Being a full-time student with a full-time job in my twenties got me dizzy commuting between the two and completing homework for both. But what had my head spinning while juggling a career and a graduate degree were four marriage proposals, not at the same time, of course! It was fun, fun, fun!

I was excited that I got married at thirty, but the honeymoon soon turned into hell. Living in a minefield with a controlling and anal husband who had an explosive temper nearly broke me in half, if not into more pieces. However, as difficult as the divorce process was, the divorce was a victory. I regained my freedom to be me. I bought a house and a brand-new car on my own. To do whatever I want, whenever I want, is gold. 

Though four whammies slammed me in my forties, good things came from them. The failed business venture led me to move abroad for six years to enjoy a carefree and worry-free life. It also gave me the chance to exercise my strength of character with tenacity, flexibility, and resilience. The devastating breakup led me to learn how to stop torturing myself and forgive eventually. It also led me to understand the impermanence of life so that I could start living and checking items off my bucket list or dream list. The loss of possessions, including my house, forced me to examine what was most valuable. The drained bank accounts that left me penniless made me realize that I still had the most valuable thing with me: me. Many lessons learned are always a good thing.

Five unexpected colossal setbacks in my fifties tested my strength once more. They also pulled out my creativity to the forefront. Not knowing what to do career-wise, brainstorming sessions bombarded my head, and I returned to the learning mode like a student. Financial challenges forced me to examine my options for survival. The pandemic allowed me time to enjoy my hobbies and find what else I was passionate about. Global travel bans challenged my creativity to the max. I had overcome many challenges before, but how could I overcome this one? 

If I didn’t move overseas, where I had a job waiting for me, I would be left destitute and homeless. Arghhhhh! I looked up and screamed to the sky. Am I finally defeated? Did the spirits want to kill me with five decades of adversity for me to handle? I can’t take it anymore!

My creativity stretched to the max and came forward. My dear friend who wanted to help also used her creativity. Our two heads together are better than one! Together, our creativity helped me get through the travel ban to arrive in a faraway land where I could survive and thrive. 

After using creativity to solve many problems, creativity continued to show up even when there were no problems. Suddenly, creative juices started to flow. It flowed and flowed. I thought it would stop, but it kept flowing and is still flowing! I am a published author and podcaster. I keep thinking I will run out of stories, but new stories continue to pop out of my mind. I write. I speak. I want to write some more. I want to speak some more. I have more to express. I have more to share. I want to give you some food for thought. I want to move you. I want to inspire you. Frankly, I want all of them for myself, too.

The best thing about all the bad is that something good is hidden in there, and they are gems when you find them. The most beautiful thing is seeing the beauty, even when ugliness masks it. Like two sides of a coin, one side is good, and one side is bad. Both sides have their merits. One side helps us appreciate the other side. Together, they create the meaning of life.

The fortune teller had said, “You have a lot of adversity in your life, but you can overcome them all.” That one sentence gave me more food for thought than I could consume in one sitting. Outlining five decades of the worst adversities, I wrote them, and my heart sank. I tapped and paused and tapped and paused to form the words because it was painful to revisit the miseries. Remembering and reliving adversities was no picnic in the park. However, pulling them out also reminded me how lucky I am. I overcame them all, just like what the fortune teller said. The comforting part was knowing I would overcome any future challenges, so I need not fret!

Though I lived through many crises, wonderful things also came out. Most importantly, it made me the strong, creative, and courageous person I am today. There is always something to learn and gain from adversity. It also helps you appreciate all the beauty you can find around you. Altogether, it makes for an abundant life!

Stop Shaming Me
I tend to be quiet but will talk when I find the need.

I am not always talkative. Stop shaming me.

I am an introvert most of the time.

I am not an extrovert. Stop shaming me.

I don’t always travel with company.

I have traveled alone many times. Stop shaming me.

I enjoy my own company.

I don’t need people around me constantly. Stop shaming me.

I live alone by choice.

I enjoy the freedom it gives me. Stop shaming me.

I have my own opinions.

It may not match yours. Stop shaming me.

I don’t fit or belong to any particular group.

I am different. Stop shaming me.

I am not rich with money, but I still have value.

I make a living with enough to feed myself. Stop shaming me.

I did not go to the Ivy League schools.

I still got a good education. Stop shaming me. 

I no longer have a house, but I have a home.

I live in an apartment. Stop shaming me.

I no longer have a car, but I still have two feet.

I have a short commute. Stop shaming me.

I am a divorced woman who is liberated.

I am single. Stop shaming me.

My possessions do not determine the value of me.

The character of who I am is my value. Stop shaming me.

I am not like everyone else.

There is nothing wrong with me. Stop shaming me.

Society does not dictate my life; I do.

My life is for me to live. Stop shaming me.

Key Takeaways
Though adversity knocked on my door many times, it created a me that could overcome them all.

Though some of my traits are considered less than positive by some, what is important is that I accept myself as unashamed.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called Brought to Tears & One Life from A to Z. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!