Still, I Loved Him (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Still, I Loved Him & I Want to Go Back.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:22 Introduction
• 1:00 Still, I Loved Him
• 5:05 I Want to Go Back
• 18:15 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #157 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Still, I Loved Him & I Want to Go Back.

Still, I Loved Him
He didn’t wine and dine me. He didn’t take me out to dinner often. He asked me to go see a movie but asked me to pay for it. He invited me to a party and didn’t pay me much attention. Still, I loved him.

We didn’t see each other every day. He didn’t even call me every day. He was on my mind full-time, but he was like a part-time boyfriend who called me every two weeks. Still, I loved him.

It was dark at night when I got a flat tire in his town next door to mine. He told me to call my auto insurance company and that he did not need to come because he couldn’t help. Still, I loved him.

He helped me carry groceries once in ten years. He had dinner with my friends at my house once in over ten years. He invited me out with his friends once in ten years. I met his brother and his family for dinner once in ten years. Still, I loved him.

He met with me to look at my business but was never supportive of it. I shared about the Landmark Forum, the most powerful thing that changed my life for the better. He refused to take a look at it. Still, I loved him.

He never verbally said “I love you” in the ten plus years that I knew him. He never whispered sweet words of endearment in my ear. He didn’t hug me to greet me often. Still, I loved him.

He was a horrible boyfriend, and I knew he would not be a suitable husband for me, so I rejected his marriage proposals. Still, I loved him, but I can explain.

When I struggled to deal with my dysfunctional family, he had words that led me to be more optimistic. He also comforted me. So, I loved him.

When I was worried about getting into college, he told me I was smart enough and determined enough to find my way to my destination. He gave me hope. So, I loved him.

When I was away at college, he called every other week to see how my life was. He reminded me of the value of a college education and that I should focus on realizing my dreams. So, I loved him.

When I worried if I was doing an excellent job as a teacher, he told me to stop beating myself up. He told me how valuable my job was in making a difference for kids. He lifted my spirits. So, I loved him.

When I started wearing make-up for my career, he told me I didn’t need it and that I looked more beautiful naturally. He made me feel beautiful as myself. So, I loved him.

Whenever I thought I couldn’t hang in there any longer to accomplish something I wanted, he jumped in to be my cheerleader. He had advice and words of wisdom to encourage me. So, I loved him.

He asked millions of questions about me and made me feel like I was an important person. He could look at me and know what I was thinking. He understood me more than anyone else in the world. So, I loved him.

Though he never said “I love you,” he wrote “I love you” in letters and signed his name with the word “love.” He expressed his love for me in writing and in poetry. So, I loved him.

He never opened doors for me or bought me many gifts, but I called him my best friend. He opened my mind and gave me the gifts of hope and belief in myself. He was my emotional support. He got a permanent seat in my heart because he still understands me more than anyone else and soothes my soul in contentment.

I Want to Go Back
I want to go back to when I first fell in love. I want to go back to my college days. I want to go back to when I first started my career. I want to go back to when I had a team in the business. I want to go back to when I first moved abroad. I want to go back, I want to go back, but I can’t; those days are gone. I can’t go back in time, but I can learn lessons to help me in the present. The ache to return to those days of long ago reminds me of what I need to do in the present. And then the ache is less heart-wrenching.

Seventeen was the most beautiful year because that was when I first fell in love. Nothing could be more heavenly than floating in the clouds of love. Keith was the first person interested in who I was as a person. What did I like, what did I dislike, and what made me happy? He wanted to know. I didn’t smile much; I was an unhappy teenager full of challenges to overcome, and Keith made me giggle with his flirtations. He always had something funny to say to make me laugh, and I was not a person who could easily laugh. Whenever Keith called, my heart jumped in excitement, and I knew the day would be wonderful because I heard his voice. He advised and comforted me with my problems and asked many questions about me; he made me feel special and that someone cared about me. No one at home did; only Keith did. 

Keith wasn’t just a boyfriend; he was my savior and my everything. The world was perfect because I had Keith. I want to go back to that time. It was a time when the future looked bright amid darkness. Transport me back to whenever I had problems as a teenager and twenty-something because he was always there to listen intently. Please take me back there so I can be advised and comforted and find the courage to move forward despite pain and struggles. 

There has been no one like Keith since. I hunger for those days. I alleviate my pain by being my own best friend and soothe my soul, knowing that Keith would understand. Whenever anyone misunderstands me, it is comforting to know that wherever Keith is, I know there is someone who does understand, and it is Keith. Keith is a part of my past, but he remains with me to comfort me in the present. I cannot go back, but I can savor the joy of knowing I had that special someone for me, and that person can always stay with me in my heart. His voice is replaced with mine to encourage and remind me that I can do it or overcome any obstacle. Though I am without Keith in the present, the strength developed within me keeps me grounded, and the teenage me can stop screaming, “I want to go back!”

“Free at last, free at last,” I holler as I stand in front of the grassy lawn of my dormitory. I want my college days back! It was the beginning of my freedom. I was free from the negative comments of my uncles, who said I didn’t belong in my grandparents’ family. I was free from feeling like I didn’t belong or being an outcast. I was free to do whatever I wanted with my own privacy. It was an exhilarating joy. Like falling in love for the first time, gaining my freedom for the first time was the greatest happiness. You can’t feel and appreciate such joy unless you have been imprisoned, restricted, or limited by age or resources. 

Imagine always being told you are not good enough by the significant people in your life, envision not having the money or ability to afford your own place, and visualize having no place to hide and be at peace. I didn’t need to imagine it because I lived it. I lived it until I was seventeen and three-quarters. Trapped, I dreamed of finding my way to college to escape. But having the resources to go to college was an overwhelming boulder to overcome. Could I ever break free from the chains that bolted me down? Determined to be free and strained to solve the problem, my creativity helped me out of the pitch blackness. Seeing the light was uplifting. It breathed life into my worn-down bones and my drained emotions.

With so much I could learn in college, I was free to think and dream all I wanted. The future was filled with possibilities; all I had to do was study hard and achieve whatever I wanted. I want to return to those days of learning and dreaming instead of aging and breaking down like a worn-out car. I want to go back to those days when there was so much future ahead of me. I want to go back, but I can’t!

Those college days remind me that I can continue to learn and dream in the present. Though I may be aging, I have gained more wisdom than before, so there is no need to fret over those lost times. Though reality tells me my time on earth is limited, it reminds me to live and do what I want without delay. The teenage me wants my wisdom, so I will not holler to return to my college days.

Look at me dressed in a blue skirt and a matching blazer suit for interviews. I feel so grown-up! Hurray! Hurray! I am only twenty-two, and I have started my teaching career! I am going to make a difference for many, many children. I will give them all the love and care that my mother never gave me. For twenty-plus years, I loved what I did. Spending time teaching children, decorating my classroom, writing lesson plans, designing activities, and many other things filled me with satisfaction. I want that feeling again. I want to go back and get that feeling back because the meaningful work fulfilled me.

In the present, though you could say I have the same job but with different kids and in a different location, I hate my job. Hate is a strong word, but it accurately describes my feelings. It is no longer a career to me. It is just a job to pay the bills while working on side hustles, which I love. It is disheartening to see kids who could care less about learning. What happened to their curiosity and their joy in discovering new things? I still find happiness in learning, but the children I teach do not appear to care about learning anything. What happened to the days when children loved school and respected their teachers?! My students don’t like going to school, and they make snide remarks. It doesn’t make teaching them easy. I am sad that the many years I enjoyed being with students are gone. I want to feel the joy of teaching them again. That is why I want to go back to those days. But they are no more.

The past reminds me that my love for children made a difference for them. My determination to give them what I never had from my mother created a loving environment filled with fun and laughter. To inspire myself, I rewatch the movie To Sir With Love. Sure, the kids are unruly and challenging at times, similar to the ones I have now, but all they want is for someone to believe in them and care about them. Who doesn’t? The little Emily in me still wants it, too. I still have a heart, and I am in a position to provide what they need. Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning to give again.

Hello, hello! Strangers at the national business convention wave at me with smiles and friendliness. They want to talk to me; they want to know me. It was because I was wearing the red team shirt. That was the color of the winning team, which was most successful in making sales and building teams. I had just joined the team; I did not know the significance of wearing that shirt. I only knew I was a part of something bigger than me. I was undeservingly treated like a celebrity. 

I soon learned the power of the team; the camaraderie and support were priceless, and I wanted it. When someone stood on stage to share rising from zero to a six-figure income, the red team loudly cheered and clapped. The sounds of joy were mesmerizing. I smiled, glad that I was a part of the red team. And I dreamed of one day getting on stage to give such a speech. I wanted to inspire others to keep moving as they faced sales and team-building challenges. The job was difficult; it was not just a working skill to master, but it challenged you to come out of your comfort zone; it demanded that you relentlessly chase your dreams of making millions. When you wanted to give up, team members encouraged and urged you to keep trying. 

I struggled terribly but held on to the dream of making millions and inspiring others along the way. I want to go back to when I was part of a team that urged you to keep going despite the pain. I want to return to the time when I built a team. The camaraderie gave me warmth and a sense of belonging. It also allowed me to exercise leadership to lead my team to achieve more sales and gain more team members. Despite the challenges, it was fun doing it with a team. I want to go back for the fun; I want to go back for the warm fuzzy feeling with a team. I haven’t enjoyed such a feeling in the workplace since then. I want to return to those days.

Though I can’t go back, I have learned the power of helping others, learning from others, and leading others. I can bring those to the present, and I have. Helping, learning, and leading give me great satisfaction, yielding a meaningful job. While I can reminisce about the fun and joy of the past when I had a team, I can exercise some of the skills in the present to bring fulfillment, too.

Wow, wow! Looking at all the foreign street and store signs is dizzying. The hot and humid weather could easily make me faint after walking a few hours in dripping sweat. Everything was new to me, and I was like a child turning this way and that way to look at all the new things before me. Exploring a foreign country was delightful as I was ready for a new beginning in everything. A new home and a new job were exciting. I want to go back; I want to go back to the days of exploration and new beginnings.

I got a studio apartment I never had and dreamed of having as an early teenager. With one wall of windows, sunshine blasted into my studio and gave me all the warmth I needed. My new job was easy, with few challenges, which was unusual in my profession. Did I arrive in paradise? My weekends were filled with meeting locals for language exchanges and enjoying leisurely conversations at various cafes. I often shared with friends back home that I was living it up or living the good life. I want to go back; I want to go back to paradise.

I enjoyed it for four years, and then the honeymoon was over. The daily realities of living in a different culture slapped me in the face when the bubbled world I lived in popped. I returned home, and the home I knew was no longer home. I wanted to return to the paradise I knew. I did, but since the bubble popped, I was no longer living in a honeymoon. However, the past can remind me that it is up to me to go out and explore other places like that child who is full of wonder. I can choose another apartment with a whole wall of windows to bring sunshine to my new home. I have done so. I can take even more initiative to bring more meaning to my position. I have done so. I can find new language exchanges or new friends to meet. I have found a few. The first time around, I may have landed in paradise by accident or sheer luck, but I can create my own paradise the second time around. I have.

I wanted to return to all the times when I had the best of times, such as falling in love, going to college, starting a career, engaging in a team-building business, and moving abroad. Though I cannot go back in time, I can reminisce and learn lessons from them. There were skills I could apply to the present. There were feelings and scenarios I could create or develop in the present. I can sharpen, refine, or design from all I have learned from the past to the present, so I need not scream, “I want to go back, I want to go back!”

Key Takeaways
Though he had his flaws, he also had his strengths, so still, I loved him.

Though I cannot return to the good old days, I can reminisce and create new and positive times.

Next week, you will hear two new real-life stories called The Story I Didn’t Want to Tell & Eating Grits Reminded Me. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!