From Adversity to Prosperity (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about From Adversity to Prosperity & Breaking the News.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:22 Introduction
• 1:03 From Adversity to Prosperity
• 4:51 Breaking the News
• 18:32 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #156 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about From Adversity to Prosperity & Breaking the News.

From Adversity to Prosperity
From the pain of being abandoned at five, I developed independent and life skills of survival.

From having no money for college, I pulled out creative skills to find solutions to help me.

From roaming the streets with little money, I got resourceful enough to survive many days.

From being silenced as a child, I found my voice as a teacher, a writer, and a podcaster to express myself.

From losing my way after a successful career, I found a new passion to satisfy and fulfill me.

From my failure in business, I learned many lessons, strengthened my character, and found another meaning of success.

From a broken heart, I found the impermanence of life to treasure each moment and heal to move forward.

From stubborn self-righteousness, I found there are more important things than being right.

From extreme perfectionism, I found stunted growth, and when I let go, it allowed creativity to flow freely.

From broken trust, I discovered that trust is not necessarily earned but given freely by choice.

From the ups and downs of love, I found that you give it by choice, and it is unconditional.

From looking at my bare body, I learned to accept myself and get comfortable under my skin.

From thinking that too many things are impossible, I shifted my vision to see that I am possible.

From being blind to my blind spots, I saw myself through the mirror of others, and courage stepped forward. 

From the neglect I experienced, I chose to sharpen my skills and select abundance to fill the gaps.

From a worry bug who overthought the future, I got rid of the worm to be a carefree bird by living in the present.

From the fear of doing many things, I chose to step forward to do them anyway and found courage.

From traveling to many places, l found an education that broadened my perspectives and widened my horizons.

From listening to the words of others, I chose to remember those that would empower me.

From the many encounters I met, I observed and learned lessons from them to improve who I am.

From losing many possessions, I found I always had the most important things with me.

From achieving degrees and licenses, I discovered we have other accomplishments, such as the value compass of a person.

From my trip to Bhutan, I found peace & happiness created from within & manifested from the perceptions we design.

From Grandma’s deathbed, she let me know that I mattered and not to let anyone take away my importance.

From taking risks, I jumped out of my comfort zone to discover and experience many adventures of a lifetime.

From self-abuse and emotional abuse, I learned to stop the toleration and stand up for myself.

From adversity, I choose to see prosperity in it; I refuse to be a victim & insist on being a triumphant victor.

From adversity, I find abundance & meaning in it; it gives me food for thought & inspires me to move forward.

Breaking the News
After much contemplation, I decided to get a divorce. I thought it was another decision I had made alone, and it only involved Anson and me. After breaking the news, I discovered everyone had an opinion or comment to say about it. I did not anticipate how it would affect others or how everyone would react to the news. I thought it was none of their business, but they thought otherwise. I have made many decisions before, but this choice ignited many different reactions. The responses told me something about those who reacted. I also realized another level of responsibility for the decisions I make, and I needed to be more mindful.

After Anson broke the news to his mother, she put the many framed photos of us in her living room face down. It never occurred to me that she would be upset. I was sorry my mother-in-law was sad but glad she cared so much about our marriage. It confirmed how much she loved me and accepted me as her daughter-in-law. She had another daughter-in-law, but she didn’t display pictures of her. She was also gaining another daughter-in-law soon, and she didn’t seem to care about her. The lady showed her engagement ring, and my mother-in-law came into the kitchen where I was doing the dishes and said the lady thought her ring was so fantastic; my mom-in-law said it was just a little diamond. I don’t think she meant to say it was just a diamond. 

My mother-in-law’s response told me she didn’t care much for this new daughter-in-law to be. She couldn’t compare to me, the daughter-in-law who spoke her language and understood her culture and traditions. In that instance, I knew I was my mother-in-law’s favorite. No wonder she was so upset when she heard about our impending divorce. I was sad that she was unhappy, but at the same time, I felt her love, a love I never got from my biological mother. I wasn’t just breaking up with Anson; I was also severing relations with my mother-in-law.

My father-in-law asked if there was another man in my life and if it could be the reason why I asked for a divorce. He also asked if I wanted money. Anson told me that was his father’s reaction. Anson came home to tell me his parents’ response, revealing something about him. I thought him to be naïve when it came to understanding relationships, and I shouldn’t have been surprised that he told me.

I liked my father-in-law’s easygoing personality. He was easy to talk to, and I admired how he took the brunt of his wife’s sarcasm and bluntness with humor and gently shook it off. That is a skill I need to learn! His response to our impending divorce made it clear that he was an engineer, just like my husband. They tend not to think of emotions but rather the logistics first. He wanted to know if I wanted money out of a divorce or freedom to be with another man. My naïve husband told me what his dad said and never bothered to ask me if any of it could be true. 

Anson never asked me why I wanted a divorce from him. He only focused on what possessions he could keep and what I might take. Like his father, Anson thought of the logistics and never bothered to consider the emotions or communication in the relationship. He just wanted to make sure everything that was his stayed with him and that any community property was divided equally based on the laws of our state. It was transactional; there was no screaming or expression of emotions on his part. He only said, “Okay, if that is what you want, you won’t get anything of mine.” And he walked away when I told him I wanted a divorce. Consider what an enormous issue a divorce is, and we only spoke a few sentences about it before working on what to divide and calculating the value of each item to split the money between us. I told myself I would never marry an engineer again; possessions are more important than feelings to them.

Anson’s eldest brother called, and Anson answered the phone. Anson said his brother wanted to talk to me and handed the phone over to me. Anson’s eldest brother said he wanted to ask if we were getting a divorce. He said he didn’t need the details; he just wanted verification of what he heard. Apparently, he didn’t trust his brother, who broke the news to him, so he had to ask me to confirm it. He quickly hung up after he got the verification. He was an engineer, too. He didn’t care to know why we were divorcing; he just wanted to know if it was true. In that instant, I felt I had a feelingless and heartless brother-in-law. My husband was too. At least their father asked about the possible reasons.

Anson’s second brother, Greg, once said something that shocked me, but I was glad for his honesty. Anson and I had driven six hours south to go on vacation and visit this brother. Anson had three brothers, and he said this was his favorite brother, so I was looking forward to spending more time with him. Anson thought we were just on vacation, but I had a different purpose. I wanted to talk with his second brother to get some advice since he probably knew his brother better than me.

I told Greg I had difficulty dealing with Anson’s temper and nitpickiness and asked if he could give me some suggestions on handling it all. There was little time to be alone with Greg, but as it turned out, we didn’t need much time. Greg’s response was short and to the point. He said, “That is how Anson is; his eldest brother is like that, too, and it doesn’t change. Anson is very anal; I wouldn’t be surprised if you divorced him. I can barely stand him myself.” Wow, I thought I would get some advice, but I didn’t. After that interaction, I was scared that there could be a divorce in the future, and I was losing hope in how I could deal with Anson’s controlling and anal ways coupled with his screaming temper tantrums.

Anson broke the news to his whole family and let me know all the responses. I didn’t hear anything from the rest of Anson’s family, but what I did hear was more than enough to swallow. The only person I thought I needed to tell on my side of the family was my grandmother, Sandy, who had raised me for over ten years since I was five. I was never close to my siblings or parents, so I did not see any need to inform them. After going off to college, my uncles, aunts, and I had grown apart and did not keep in touch, so I felt no need to inform them either. I only had Grandma Sandy to tell and it was distressing me. I didn’t know how I could break the news to her without breaking her heart, and I didn’t want her to somehow hear from someone else.

To my surprise, I called my mother, the one who tossed me out at age five. I barely had any relationship with her and had nothing but negative thoughts about her. I can’t recall what went through my mind to call her because I rarely called her for anything. Why did I call her? I seldom asked her for anything because I supposed she had nothing to give me since she tossed at five. Anyway, I called her. I informed her of my impending divorce and said I didn’t know how to tell Grandma Sandy, her mother.

To my surprise, without hesitation, Mom said she would tell my dear grandmother, Sandy. I think it was the first time in my recollection that I received some generosity from my mother. She gave more in this situation than at any other time in my entire life. She asked what the problems were in the marriage. I told her. She listened. She offered no advice or opinions, but I felt her listening ear. It was as if she knew that once I made a decision, there was no going back, so no persuasion would help. Mom said I needed to say something to my in-laws; she offered to help me compose a letter in their native language. Both sets of parents were immigrants to America, and their English wasn’t the best. Mom had written a lengthy letter explaining the problems with Anson and my efforts to make the marriage work. She also expressed respect for the in-laws, acknowledged raising a good son, and said that I loved them.

Mom had heard me and was accurate in what she wrote. The words she wrote expressed respect and care for their feelings as parents. I copied it over in my handwriting. She had written what I would have wanted to say. Mom’s generosity and compassion were earth-shattering and mind-blowing. I had never seen this side of my mother; she was understanding and giving.

When I told Mom of my impending divorce, I felt no emotions, and she did not either. When I called Grandma Sandy after Mom called her as I had requested, I broke down in tears. To my surprise, Grandma spoke gently and said that things would be okay. She said, “Just make sure you find someone else because when you are old, you will want someone to keep you company and take care of you.” I remember her gentle voice saying it. My eyes water again. I hope I did not disappoint her. I hope she is looking down from heaven and trying to tell me it is okay again and that I did not disappoint her. I am unsure why the tears are rolling down my face; I need to get some tissue. Grandma, if you can hear me, I hope I did not disappoint you. Thank you for all the love and care you gave raising me when Mom didn’t. I love you.

Other than my grandmother, my family and I were never close, but I married into a family that welcomed me with open arms. My in-laws were like the parents I never had; they made me feel like a daughter for the first time in my life. It was sad to part with them, but I could not bear being with Anson any longer.

Though I was not close to family, I had quality friends, and they were important to me. Selina, Sonny, Erica, Beatrice, Camille, my best friends, and all my co-workers thought I was too good for him, and he didn’t know a good thing when he saw it. They said he didn’t know how to appreciate me and that he was a fool. They said I deserved better. I didn’t think much of their responses then, but upon reflection, I realized that my friends thought well of me. They thought more of me than I thought of myself!

My junior high school group of friends reacted differently. Though we did not communicate frequently after junior high, we did keep in touch and got together once in a long while. I thought they knew me since we knew each other so long ago, but I was wrong. I couldn’t blame them since they did not know the details of my marriage, like my best friends or colleagues. Still, their responses hurt. 

Yasmine said I was too independent and not suited for marriage, so she wasn’t surprised that I was divorce-bound. Ouch! Yes, I am independent, but does that make me unsuitable for marriage?! Daisy said I had a mind of my own, and it was probably all my fault for the dissolution of the marriage. Ouch! I do have a mind of my own; I am not the submissive type. But does that make me bound for divorce? The stab hurt. Paige said I probably didn’t please him enough or give in to his ways often enough, so it was my fault that we would end in divorce. My junior high school friends jumped to blame me, which was the opposite of the friends I had after college. They were right to say that I was independent and had a mind of my own. But are those qualities unsuitable for marriage?! 

Ultimately, everyone had a right to their opinions when I broke the news. But what matters most is my own opinion. I am the one who lives in my shoes and has to deal with the results of my decisions. I have no regrets about getting a divorce. I learned a lot about those who expressed their thoughts about it or showed their responses through their actions. Most importantly, I am reminded to be mindful of how some choices can affect others. Still, they don’t live in my shoes. I need to do what I must to live more comfortably in my shoes!

Key Takeaways 
Though faced with much adversity, I find the silver lining and rainbows in them.

Though it may not be easy to break bad news, I can do it in a manner with consideration for others.

Next week, you will hear two new real-life stories called Still, I Loved Him & I Want to Go Back. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!