I Thought You'd Always Be Mine (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about I Thought You'd Always Be Mine & I Didn't Think About Him.

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Chapters

• 0:22 Introduction
• 1:03 I Thought You'd Always Be Mine
• 4:52 I Didn't Think About Him
• 18:45 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #155 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about I Thought You’d Always Be Mine & I Didn’t Think About Him.

I Thought You’d Always Be Mine
You said you saw us growing old together with white hair. You said we’d be together forever. You said you were mine, and I believed you. I thought you’d always be mine.

You said you were stuck to me like glue and that you were not going anywhere. You said that no matter where you went, you’d always come back to me. I thought you’d always be mine.

We got along so well. Whenever we disagreed, it would quickly turn into laughter because it didn’t matter that we had different opinions or ideas from one another. You accepted me as is. I thought you’d always be mine.

I never considered myself beautiful, but you said I was beautiful inside and outside. You warmed my heart, made me feel beautiful, and said that everything was perfect about me. I thought you’d always be mine.

You never judged me or criticized me. If anyone said I was not sociable or talkative enough, you never suggested I needed to be anything other than myself. Your incredible ability to be nonjudgmental amazed me. You made me feel accepted. You made me feel like there was nothing wrong with me. I felt accepted. I thought you’d always be mine.

You made me feel free to be myself because you were not demanding, critical, or judgmental of me. I was at ease around you, and my authentic self came out. Comfortable and relaxed, I had no stress or pressure when you were around me. I thought you’d always be mine.

Then, one day, after nine years together, you stopped talking to me, and I asked what was troubling you. You called me your best friend but did not talk to me. You bent your head down and stayed silent. I thought you said you’d always be mine.

You always told me your troubles, but now you stopped. You are mine no more.

I got a flat tire on the way home and called you to come, and you didn’t come until the next day. You are mine no more.

You were in dire straits and needed $13,000. You promised to return it to me, but you never did. You never apologized or said sorry. You are mine no more.

I endured excruciating pain from fibroids and called you to bring me to the hospital. You did not come until two hours later. I thought I would die from the pain, but your heartlessness was far more painful. You are mine no more.

You dropped me off at the emergency room. While I waited to see a doctor, tears rolled down my face. My physical pain momentarily subsided, but my emotional pain drained the blood and life out of me. You are mine no more.

I filled out the necessary information as I waited for my name to be called, but when it came to writing the emergency contact, I wanted to write your name, but you are mine no more. 

With your head down, you finally told me that you cheated on me. You are mine no more. You are mine no more. You are mine no more.

I thought you’d always be mine because you told me so, but you were never mine. The shattered pieces of my heart cannot hold a love that is but a heartbreaking memory.

I Didn't Think About Him
Standing by my friend Selina's stove while she cooked dinner for us, I shared that my ex-husband never entered my mind unless she or Sonny asked about him. Sonny and Selina were the two good friends who would occasionally ask something about him. When they did, it would then occur to me that he rarely entered my mind. My next thought was, how strange? Selina did not think it was one bit odd. She said, "Of course, it is because…." Then she asked about the one who cheated on me but didn't mention his name. I thought of him a little, but not much. She had an answer about him, too. Then I said Keith was the only one that floats through my mind every so often. I didn't know why, but Selina said it was all too obvious. It wasn't apparent to me. It was much food for thought for me. Why didn't I think about my ex-husband? Why didn't I think about the cheater that much? And why did I think so much about Keith?

I was married to my ex-husband for seven years. That fact alone warranted a reason for him to enter my mind. I married him, lived with him for seven years, and knew him for eight and a half years. Those facts tell me that I should have some random thoughts of him. I didn't. He tried to control me and was emotionally abusive. I endured for seven years. You would think I could have haunting thoughts about him. I don't because I don't even think about him. I chose to marry him instead of three others who proposed to me before he ever did. You would think that because I picked him, he was special to me, and I would think of him. I didn't. I don't. He is not a part of my inner world of thoughts. My ex was anal; I learned the word anal from his brother, who used that word to describe him. You would think I would remember him because of the new word that became a part of my vocabulary. I remember, but my thoughts of him would not linger. He was the only boyfriend who bought me expensive things and many things, so you might think he had a place in my heart. Hardly. 

When Selina asked about my ex, I drew a blank, literally. I had no thoughts of him. I didn't know what he was doing and was not curious about it. I tried opening my memory bank to find something to say about him and found nothing. Scratching my head, I didn't have an answer or comment to give to Selina. I had nothing to say.

Why did Selina ask me about him? He was my ex; he was supposed to be a significant part of my life. I understood why she or anyone would ask, but it was like something foreign to me. I had to think and search hard to remember and then finally say a thing or two about him. He wined and dined me and treated me like a princess when we were dating. He was most agreeable to do whatever I wanted. He came from a loving family, was a family man, and had a professional and stable job. It sounded good, and so I married him.

After we wed, he seemed to transform into a monster overnight. He revealed his nasty temper to scream at me for two hours on end if he didn't like something. He was anal, controlling, and demanded perfection beyond my already perfectionist way of being. He demeaned me, ordering me to ask for permission to buy a dress, go out with my gal pals, or invite my friends to our house. He belittled me, saying since I didn't have the answers to all his problems or issues, I didn't deserve the Master's degree I got, and I shouldn't be a teacher because teachers should know everything! 

You might think the positives could bring some pleasant memories to my mind. Hardly. You might think the horrible things I endured for seven years would have an impact, injure me, and leave scars for me to remember. Surprisingly, most of the scars disappeared, and I don't think about the injuries. If I ever did, they didn't stick in my mind. When I finalized the divorce, he was out my door in every sense. I only thought of him when Selina or Sonny brought him up, and now, as I write and speak stories about an insignificant marriage. Sorry, I don't think about him, but when you know why, you will understand.

Selina asked about the one who cheated on me. She wouldn't say his name, but we knew who we were talking about. I said, "I just want to throw him in the garbage can because he disgusts me." I can see myself with some temporary Superman powers. I'd hurl the cheater into the garbage truck that came by my house and say to myself, good riddance. It is sad that I would have such thoughts, but I am human, a hurt human. Just be glad I didn't do it; it was only a fantasy in my head!

I once loved him. We got along exceedingly well. If we ever got into a disagreement, it would turn into fun and laughter because it would be okay if we disagreed. Being with him was light and easy, not heavy and straining. He was the easiest boyfriend to get along with; it was so easy to be with him. I was very much attracted to him, and our chemistry frequently went wild. We'd often have deep and philosophical conversations about life. I loved our conversations; they were the kind that I enjoyed immensely. I thought we would be together forever. You would think I would think about our wonderful conversations, but I don't. You might think I would reminisce about our magnetic chemistry, but I wouldn't. I would just feel disgusted because he went and cheated on me. You could say that one act erased all the beautiful things we had together. I didn't want it to do that, but that was the result. 

I didn't think about him until Selina asked. Then, I realized I did think about him about once a year. It was in my dreams. Once a year, I would wake up from a nightmare because it was a dream about him. The next thing I would hear was me yelling at myself for being so stupid to have associated with him and canoodled with him. Next, I'd scream that I thought I got rid of him and ask the spirits why he showed up in my dreams. Angry that he showed up while I was unconscious, I couldn't sleep anymore. 

The nightmares went on for a whopping ten years. Enough was enough. Once a year for ten years was too much space occupied in the recesses of my psyche. I wanted him out; I wanted him gone. He needed to be in the dumpster. You would think with such anger, I would think about him, but I didn't when I was awake. And I didn't want to think about him when I was asleep either. So, I decided I had to do something about it to get rid of him.

I took a personal development course and discovered that as long as I didn't forgive him, I was making myself suffer. I finally learned how to forgive. Being too self-righteous, I couldn't forgive for ten years. After learning that my suffering was self-induced, I declared that I forgave him and myself. Amazingly, the verbal, emotional, and mental declaration released me from all the pain I endured for refusing to forgive. Suddenly, I felt lighter, and there was space for me to chuckle and laugh. I had unknowingly chained and restrained myself, and I finally realized it and unlocked the prison door I had trapped myself in. Freedom feels so good!

Whenever I have fleeting thoughts about him, it is not about the good times we shared. It is not about how our beautiful relationship came crashing down on me. It is that I learned how to forgive and let go of self-righteousness to release myself from suffering. It is that I learned the impermanence of life and to appreciate all the beautiful moments because they will pass as time will stop for no one. I may still feel disgusted, but what will occupy my thoughts more in relation to him is that I have gained treasures from him. I learned the value of forgiveness and understood life's impermanence. I don't think much about him while awake or asleep now, but I do think about the treasures I got from the devastating breakup. Whenever I get angry at someone, I remind myself to forgive and what would happen if I didn't. I would suffer. Whenever I do something I don't want or do not enjoy, I remind myself to balance it out and do something I enjoy because life is a temporary thing. Those are treasures gotten from the cheating one. I need to thank him!

I rarely think about my ex-husband, who dominated my life for eight and a half years. I didn't know why until Selina told me. I hardly think about the one who cheated on me, who occupied nine years of my life. I didn't know why until Selina told me. I don't think it was so much that she knew me, but it is that it was in my blind spot, so I couldn't see it. The two men don't appear in my private thoughts much because they don't have what I had with Keith. 

Keith, the one who enters my mind every so often, never seems to escape my mind. Whenever I have an enormous problem, my inner voice encourages me to move on and know that I can overcome the challenge. That inner voice is like Keith talking to me. When I was a teenager and twenty-something, he was the one who encouraged and advised me in many matters. And that voice stays with me to give me strength. Whenever others misunderstand me, I remind myself that one person in this universe understands me, and then I feel comforted knowing his existence, and it is Keith. 

Keith was not a reliable boyfriend. I could not count on him to be there for me if I had a flat tire. I once, and only once, called him when I had a flat tire, and he told me to call my auto insurance company. I knew to do that, but why didn't he come for some support? I was livid. But I later understood why he didn't come. He knew my independent streak and knew I could take care of myself. Yes, I could, but I still wanted a little comfort. You could say he was a bad boyfriend, and I agree. Sometimes, he would invite me to a movie and tell me to pay for it. That is a horrible boyfriend, I say. I could find other terrible things to say about Keith as a boyfriend, but I discovered something odd.

Though he did many things that showed he was a terrible boyfriend, I can only remember how he was my best friend. He was always there with a listening ear to hear my problems, comfort me, advise me, and help me resolve many issues. He was always there for me emotionally. That was what I needed. I can take care of myself physically, but it is nice to have emotional support. He gave me what I needed. I never got it from any of my relatives. You could say I got some from friends, but it was the most and at the deepest level with Keith. He understood me, helped me emotionally, and I was madly in love with him. He took a permanent seat in my heart, and I remember what he did for me. He floats in my mind now and then as I continue to meet challenges. When I remind myself to hang in there, not give up, to keep striving to achieve my goals, or to keep moving forward, I feel him reminding me. When I think no one in the world understands me, I remind myself that there is Keith who does understand, and it soothes my soul.

What did Selina say when I said I didn't know why I didn't think about my ex-husband? She said, "Of course, you may have loved him to some extent, but you were never madly in love with him." True. What about the cheater? I loved him and was in love with him. Selina said, "Well, he didn't understand you that much. Besides, he cheated on you, and you probably just want to forget about him. Her few words gave me much food for thought. I realized why Keith entered my mind every so often. I was in love with him; he understood me and satisfied me emotionally. The three combined gave him a permanent place in my heart and soul.

Who do you think about? Who do you not think about? The answers lie in what matters to you or what the person meant to you.

Key Takeaways  
Though I thought he’d always be mine, I learned he was never mine, and we don’t own anyone.

Though I didn’t think much about some exes, there is one that has a permanent seat in my heart because he understood me best and more.

Next week, you will hear two new real-life stories called From Adversity to Prosperity & Breaking the News. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!