Lessons Learned from Exes (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Lessons from Exes & I Miss Him, But.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:22 Introduction
• 1:04 Lessons Learned from Exes
• 17:37 I Miss Him, But
• 19:22 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #154 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Lessons Learned from Exes & I Miss Him, But.

Lessons Learned from Exes
Exes, ghosts of boyfriends past, haunt me. A few appear in my dreams, while others spook me by day. They are all from my past. Why can't they leave me alone? Why do they distract me when I am in the middle of a date or harass me when I am frustrated in a relationship? My exes are like sacks of trash that the garbage collectors won't pick up. Like nightmares, they sometimes encircle me, but I fight and wake up to break free from them. I may still carry the sacks, but I find some unexpected gifts from a few exes, as if Santa Claus was in town.

Enjoying a good night's sleep, I suddenly awaken from a nightmare. It is Devin, my ex. I am angry that he appeared in my dream because it made me recall him, the one who cheated on me and devastated me. Awakened and mad, I cannot go back to sleep. Once a year for ten years, it has happened over and over. Enough is enough. The nightmare needs to end. I stand up to fight back. I am going to take a personal development course to uncover the truth or make him disappear from my dreams.

I listened to others voluntarily share, and as I listened to one lady complain about her dysfunctional family, what hit me was not her drama but what the facilitator said. I gasped; I was shocked. I suddenly connected the dots of what she said to my situation. "So, how long are you going to continue to make yourself suffer?" she said. The unhappiness, the self-righteousness, and the perceptions of the lady caused her to suffer, and she wasn't aware of it. She continued her complaints, and the facilitator repeated, "So how long are you going to continue to make yourself suffer?" 

Ouch! It hurt! It hit me! My misery, self-righteousness, and perspectives related to my boyfriend, who cheated on me, made me suffer. The lady's situation was different from mine, but misery is misery. We both suffered. The idea that I had caused my suffering pierced my skin to cause me to wheeze. Insistent that my ex wronged me and that I was stupid to have been in a relationship with him in the first place made me suffer. I could not see how I was wrong about my perception! The firmly held belief glued on to me for ten years! Stupid me! But never mind; my happiness is more important than being right. My power to alleviate the pain was paramount. As if an earthquake jolted me awake, I realized that because I could not forgive my ex or myself, I made myself suffer for ten long years. Taking back the power that belonged to me in the first place, I declared that I forgave my ex and myself. I released myself from the jail I created. Like floating in the sky while parasailing and filled with joy, I giggled that a miracle had occurred. I let go of my self-righteousness, and my suffering disappeared.

The gift Devin unknowingly left me was forgiveness. I had always wondered how to forgive others when they wronged me. I asked my church-going friends, avid church-goers, and they didn't have an answer for me other than to pray. I finally got an answer, and now I know how to forgive and why it is vital to forgive others. Declare it aloud and let go of the suffering to grant yourself freedom and happiness. You can let go when you know that suffering can be relieved if you let go. I remind myself to let go of being right; freedom and happiness are more important. Remember it the next time someone wrongs you!

Devin, the cheater, left me a few more gifts. Together for nine years, it was shocking that I could be blindsided by what happened. Sitting at a restaurant with a classmate in another class, I shared about the cheating ex since she asked. A strange sensation overcame me as my head floated to an odd place. The impermanence of life struck me. As if smacked in the face, I learned that we would not be together forever and that nothing was forever. I knew that in theory, but somehow, the breakup brought it home. The most remarkable result from the revelation was the beginning of me living in the present frequently. 

I began appreciating the beauty surrounding me, whether in nature, manufactured items, or interactions with people. I started making a bucket list or dream list and checked them off one by one. I moved abroad, which was an unbelievable and daring adventure for me. I ventured to nearly twenty countries, an incredible feat for me. I became a writer and a podcaster, dreams I never thought could be a reality. I boldly stepped forward with the courage to do many things I had never done before. It all came out of a betrayal. Though devastated by the breakup, I found the gift to function in the present and live in the moment often.

Another precious gem Devin left me was the gift of acceptance. One thing I loved most about Devin was that he was not a critical person. We are all critical to some degree, but he did not criticize others or me. In the nine years I knew him, he never criticized me, and I never heard him criticize others. It is an incredible jewel. I believe no one likes to be criticized, and everybody likes to be accepted for who they are. Devin's acceptance of me made me feel beautiful. I did not feel pressure to be anyone but myself. If we did not agree about anything, it didn't matter. We didn't have to share the same opinions or perspectives. We accepted our differences from one another and laughed each time we disagreed. It was easy to be with Devin and fun, too. Though our relationship took a turn for the worst, I can treasure the many beautiful moments filled with acceptance and remember the gift of acceptance he gave me. I shall work to exercise that ability to accept others more often, too.

When Anson, my ex-husband, and I were remodeling the home we were moving into after we got married, it became glaringly evident to me what a perfectionist he was. I was a perfectionist myself, but the extent of his perfectionism was more than I could bear. I helped sand down the floor moldings to remove any speck of paint before he painted it. The task looked simple enough, but it was difficult after trying to make it not have even one speck. Each time I thought I had finished, Anson would say I was not finished and demanded I continue sanding. I would try repeatedly, and I could never make it perfect or to his satisfaction. Every task I helped with was never good enough for him. It became frustrating, and I came to hate anything related to fixing anything in the house. My only solace was when I learned that even when he hired professionals to do some tasks, he would complain about how they did not do the best job. 

I am grateful I no longer live with such a person. Extreme perfectionism can be detrimental to one's mental health. As a recipient of it, I was miserable, and I could never do anything good enough for Anson, no matter how hard I tried. I wondered how he could be happy when he was never satisfied with anything or anybody, even experts. Having endured Anson's level of perfectionism, I never want to try to be perfect again! A bit of joy in my life is more important than being perfect or trying to be perfect until it almost drives you mad. 

The gem gained is not to demand unreasonably or to give such pressure that it makes a person miserable. It is not worth it. How can anything be more vital than our happiness? Every time I want to make something better and start to feel frustrated, I can quickly stop myself when I think of how I suffered from Anson's extreme perfectionism. However, his perfectionism also helped me be aware of the pressures I put on myself and be a bit less demanding. It reminds me to put my happiness first and not allow perfectionism to make me dissatisfied and unhappy like my ex. It is a gift to learn the lesson.

Anson had another trait that made me suffer, and the misery was excruciatingly painful. Anson's friend came to our house to sell a type of life insurance: part insurance for protection and part investment for growth. Anson informed me that his friend was coming over to sell it, but we were not going to buy it. Upon arrival and listening to the benefits of the product, I was sold and immediately wanted to fill out my information and secure the account and my financial future. And so, I proceeded to complete the application.

I had been financially independent for thirteen years before I married Anson. I was used to making my own decisions and didn't need anyone's permission to do anything. I did not anticipate it would be any different after I married. I was woefully wrong. After Anson's friend left with our completed applications, Anson gave me the beginning of the severe horror of being married to him. From nine o'clock at night to five o'clock in the morning, Anson yelled and lectured me nonstop. I was not allowed to sleep. When I went to the bathroom, he followed me to continue screaming at me. When I spoke back, attempting to defend myself, he only continued to holler at me. When I sat in silence and bent down, holding my head, he continued his rants. When I sat on the floor begging him to stop, he still kept yelling. When my head started getting dizzy for lack of sleep or getting numb from his madness, Anson was still lecturing me. I stopped talking because no matter what I said, he did not stop hollering at me. His voice got hoarse from all his hollering, but that didn't stop him until five o'clock in the morning. It was when I told him I needed to wash up and get ready for work that he stopped.

How could anybody yell about something for eight hours? Anson could, and it was no exaggeration to say how long he did it. I was the one sobbing for the pain of listening to him to stop. I talked. I didn't speak. I sat. I stood. I cried. My face froze to a zombie state. Nothing could stop Anson's rampage. He was right, and I was wrong. He wanted to ingrain into me how I was wrong, and he was right. I was wrong to submit my application. I was wrong not to ask him for permission. I was wrong to not listen to him because he didn't want me to buy the policy. That was the gist of it. It was not really about the policy because he agreed it was a great product, and he got it himself, too. It was that I did not ask his permission first before doing it. It was that I did not consult him before purchasing something for myself. I did not know I hurt his ego or manliness. I did not realize he wanted to control my life. 

I had told Anson that whenever he yelled at me, an average of two hours after that initial eight-hour rant, it made me love him less and less. He didn't care; he would continue to yell until about two hours later, when he seemed satisfied with everything he needed to say. His self-righteousness was more important than anything. It was more important than my feelings. It was more important than our marriage. I got how being right was more important than anything to him. I got that love and care in a marriage were more important to me. We were not on the same page. Worse, I stopped loving him in any form. This extreme self-righteousness of Anson was a critical trait that ended my marriage with him.

Though I endured seven years of excruciating mental and emotional pain from Anson's temper related to his self-righteousness and refusal to listen to any opinions or explanations that were different from his, I got a piece of gold out of it. It is a gift I carry, and I'm glad I hold on to it. It is essential to respect that other people have their own opinions and that they have a right to have them. Theirs do not need to be the same as mine, nor do they need to align with mine. I have no right to force or persuade others into my way of seeing things. Anson often tried to do it to no avail. Maybe that was why he could scream for two hours. Anson desperately wanted me to agree with his opinions, but I had a mind and brain of my own. I couldn't be that submissive and agreeable wife he wanted. I no longer feel bad that I could not meet all his needs because it is more important for me not to lose my individuality.

Despite the suffering from Anson's extreme perfectionism and self-righteousness, I got gems out of them that I carry with me as reminders that help me be happier. If you disagree with me, I won't get upset and won't hound you into an agreement. I know all too well how it feels on the receiving end. If I don't complete something perfectly, I won't get upset, but I will be satisfied that I did my best at that moment. I will not put myself under so much pressure that I become miserable. I used to do that, but now I won't. It is sad to say, but I don't want to be like Anson in the extreme. My happiness is more important. 

Anson wasn't altogether horrible; he had his positive traits, too. He had a gentlemanly kindness that he retained from the moment I met him to the end of our marriage. He would open doors, carry things, pull out chairs, and other gentlemanly things. They may be small things, but they made me feel like a princess. Anson did it while we were dating and during our marriage. Even in the end, he maintained this type of kindness. I had packed my things, but I was not moving out fast enough for him as I loaded my car many times back and forth. Since he wanted me out sooner, I got a coworker with a truck to help me transport the rest of my belongings, many of which were clothes. My acquaintance of a coworker commented that he was very kind to help move my many plastic bags of clothes onto the truck when we were in the process of a divorce. She was surprised that he lent a helping hand. When she said it, I only thought that Anson wanted to help me leave as soon as possible. Only in reflection did I take on a new perspective to help me feel better about him. And it is that he retained his gentlemanliness all the way to the end to help me move and carry things. With this view, I acquired another gem. Be kind to others. Even if you are angry, be kind; keep a good character.

Two of my exes gave me pain and suffering, but they also gave me gems that left a positive impact on me. The relationship with Devin led me to learn how to forgive and why I needed to forgive. The end of the relationship shook me awake to appreciate and live more in the present. Devin's character of acceptance reminds me to be more accepting of others instead of critical. The connection with Anson taught me the detriments of extreme perfectionism and self-righteousness. Though I endured much pain to learn the lessons, what is crucial is that I did learn and spreading kindness is a good antidote.

I Miss Him, But
I miss Keith’s listening ear, advice, and understanding,

But he always thought the grass was always greener on the other side.

I miss Devin’s nonjudgmental, deep-thinking, and generous ways,

But he cheated on me.

I miss Anson’s sense of humor, generosity, and gentlemanliness,

But he was too anal and controlling for me.

I miss Curtis’s magnetism and subtle ways,

But I needed him to be more straightforward.

I miss Vince’s quiet yet attractive demeanor,

But he was not assertive enough for me.

I miss Teo’s innocence and uncomplicated ways,

But he could not understand me.

I miss Evan’s sense of humor, intelligence, and romantic ways,

But we had no chemistry.

I miss Everett’s analytical abilities, perceptive traits, and listening ear,

But he didn’t pursue me.

I miss Thomas’s considerate ways and easy-going manner,

But he was not available.

I miss Sky’s mesmerizing ways and interactions with me,

But he lived too far away from me.

I miss Jack’s piercing eyes and attention to detail,

But it made me too nervous.

I miss Oliver’s engaging conversations and sensibility,

But it wasn’t meant to be.

I miss them all, but they are of the past.

I miss the sweet memories and learn from the sour ones!

Key Takeaways
Though two ex-boyfriends gave me much pain and suffering, they also gave me a few gems with lessons learned. 

Though there were sour moments, there were also sweet moments with those men. 

Next week, you will hear two new real-life stories called I Thought You’d Always Be Mine & I Didn’t Think About Him. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!