So Selfish and So Vain (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about So Selfish and So Vain  and The Meaning of Anger.

                                             
Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:02 So Selfish and So Vain
• 7:52 The Meaning of Anger
• 14:09 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #144 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about So Selfish and So Vain and The Meaning of Anger.

So Selfish and So Vain
Getting married was supposed to be a happy occasion, but it was not for me. It was mighty stressful. Instead of being supportive, our two families only made it more difficult and embarrassing. Why did I have such a despicable family? Why was his family, not the greatest, either? We were not off to a good start.

I was getting married, and my co-worker Jasmine offered to be my wedding coordinator. She said she had done it several times for other friends. I didn’t even know what that was when she asked! Anyway, I accepted any help I could get. Jasmine was like an acquaintance, but I knew she was kind and enjoyed helping others. I didn’t know what she would do for me, but I learned a few things from her when the evening ended.

After the wedding ceremony in the afternoon, the photographer took more pictures, and after that, it was time to prepare for the evening banquet dinner. I changed into another gown and had a change of makeup. Jasmine directed me to an area to wait until it was time for me to come out. While waiting, I was alone most of the time. I felt alone and wondered why no one came to see me. Soon, Grandma stopped by to visit and see if I needed anything. Then, my long-time junior high school friends came in for a visit. Jasmine told me to stay in the room until the festivities started, and then I would make a grand entrance as the newly married woman. So, I was oblivious to what happened when the guests began arriving.

After my honeymoon, Jasmine came over to help me sort the gifts received so that I could send thank-you notes. It was then that I learned of the shameful and embarrassing stances during the dinner banquet on my wedding day.

It was good that I sat in a room alone and avoided the embarrassment and shame witnessed by Jasmine and my friends. Had I seen it, my face would have turned red with anger. I was already a stressed-out bride and would not look like a happy one.

I never had a close or good relationship with my immediate family, but I thought they would be on their best behavior since they cared so much about looking good in front of others. But their true colors showed on that day.

While helping me sort through my wedding gifts, Jasmine commented on what she observed on the day of my banquet. “I couldn’t believe that your in-laws were standing so close to the entrance to guard any of their friends and relatives coming in. As soon as they arrived, your in-laws quickly pocketed the gifts of money. They had so many that the envelopes were falling out of their pockets, and they rushed to pick them up and make sure they got all of what they thought was rightfully theirs. Emily, did you get the envelopes of money?” asked Jasmine. “I got none,” I said. Later, my husband explained that his parents considered the money payment to them since they paid for the dinner banquet.

Jasmine thought it was selfish of my in-laws. I was glad they paid for the feast because at least his side of the family paid for all the evening expenses. My side of the family only paid for the flowers for the wedding and only because Grandma forced Mom to do something. I paid for everything else in the afternoon: the chapel, gowns, reception, photographer, and more. Only my husband-to-be offered to help with the expenses for my side of the family. So, even if my in-laws were selfish that day, they were not as heartless as my family. 

Jasmine continued, “Your Mom had a white dress with lots of pearly beads on it, and she kept checking on her beads, afraid some fell off. And if one fell off, she got it stitched back. Her whole focus was on herself and looking good. Your sister was like her too. They kept checking on their makeup and dress. Why did your mom wear white? Doesn’t she know that is the color for the bride? Where was her head? All they cared about was themselves. They didn’t check or attend to anything. They even asked what I was doing, and I told them I was helping you, Emily, to make sure everything was in order. Emily, I know you never said much about your family. Now I know why; I never saw a mother so selfish and so vain. Your older sister was, too.” Jasmine was angrier than me. Perhaps I was used to the humiliation they brought to my life. Jasmine was not, but it was nice to know an acquaintance could show more care for me than my own family.

I didn’t respond to what Jasmine said aloud, but I was distressed. I agreed with Jasmine but didn’t share my thoughts. I was too ashamed of the mother and sister I had. I knew they were vain and selfish, but did they have to embarrass me like that on my wedding day? Did they have to show the world what a terrible family I had? I am sure they did not do so intentionally; they were just being themselves and never thought of me. They didn’t even visit me or see if I needed anything as the bride waiting in the room. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I had hoped for something better for one day.

If I learned anything, it was for me to make sure I was a kinder and more considerate person. I don’t want to be vain and selfish like them. It hurts on the receiving end.

Students and adults alike have asked me why I became a teacher. One primary reason is to give children what I never had from my parents: Love and care, praise and encouragement. Providing it is a kind of satisfaction that fills the empty hole in me. Thinking of others brings more fulfillment than only satisfying one’s own needs. Developing inner beauty strengthens a character more than only attending to outer beauty. I learned a lesson from observing Mom and Sis. I choose not to be so selfish and so vain. 

The Meaning of Anger
Anger is a strong feeling of upset or annoyance; that is the definition given by some dictionaries. And that was what I thought was the meaning of anger. After being angry about one thing for over two years, I decided to research its meaning further. I soon learned from an online therapist who gave one free five-minute consultation session. Those few minutes forever changed my perspective of anger and would stop me in my tracks each time I got angry again.

The photographer told me to tilt my head a certain way, put my hair behind my ears, and sweep my bangs aside to show every brow hair. I was annoyed with him as I wanted a quick passport photo. He would have none of it and demanded what he wanted. I frowned irritably; luckily, he didn’t ask for a smile. I stomped my way out because he finally snapped the photo and let me be on my way. It was another errand I needed to do before I could get home to relax after a long day of work. It sounded like a simple thing I needed to do, but I got angry and didn’t feel good.

Only an hour before that, my students were busy writing sentences about what they had learned. One student finished, got up with her notebook to leave the room without permission, and returned without her notebook. I asked her where her notebook was, and she refused to tell me. I lectured her about her behavior, and she resisted telling me what she did with her work. It seemed like such an insignificant detail, yet she was pouting about it, and I began glaring at her with disapproval.

Before giving the written assignment, I explained colonial life in America. While describing some daily life scenarios, I found two students playing with threads to amuse themselves and another student spinning his pencil for entertainment. I paused to remind them to pay attention and that I would not repeat myself because they were inattentive. Once more, I was annoyed and could feel my eyes straining to stare at those who did not pay attention.

You may not be a teacher to have these particular annoyances, but you must have other little things at work or anywhere else that anger you, and you may not even be aware of them because they happen daily. Still, the little irritations can add up to an explosion, or you could get angry at everything and take it out on others or even inanimate objects!

Angry, angry, angry, I have been angry for two and a half years at my boss. And she couldn’t comprehend it. This situation is a case where Eastern and Western thought met. I am from the West and am now living in the East. While I have learned some Eastern philosophy, there are some I cannot agree with or come to terms with. And so the anger rises and falls with each breath I take as I think of what she has done to me. Sometimes, I go home and scream profanities. I feel humiliated beyond measure. I can’t even bring myself to talk about it. You don’t hear anything, but my chest roars. If I returned home to the West, everybody would understand how I have been wronged and humiliated beyond belief. Temporarily stuck here in the East with anger, my eyes are exhausted from the strain I put on them, staring at all those who anger me.

How can I find my way out of my boiling blood? I’m burning and killing myself! I remind myself that she has no idea and could care less about my pain because she thinks nothing is wrong. Frustrated that communication did not resolve anything, I searched for the meaning of anger online. I found a simple definition, yet it never occurred to me. 

One meaning of anger was eye-opening. Once I discovered it, the temperature of my boiling blood decreased. I felt a bit stupid. Whenever I am angry, it is because things did not go my way. In other words, things didn’t turn out the way I wanted. Further, I dared even to think that something should go the way I wanted. I acted as if the universe should revolve around me. Oh my goodness, I am like a kid throwing a temper tantrum whenever I didn’t get what I wanted. I act like the world should do what I want! I act like I am the queen! I am not, and who am I to think everyone should cater to me?!

My dear little student, eleven years old, wanted to change her seat. I said no because I didn’t want her bothering other children. She slammed her notebook down, mumbled something to me, and gave me a mean look in her eyes. I said, “You are not changing seats! You need to stop bothering others from learning, and you need to pay better attention!” My eleven-year-old mumbled something unintelligible and gave me another stare of fiery anger. She wouldn’t stop. Then I got angry. “Who do you think you are? When you don’t get your way, you throw a temper tantrum, which won’t solve anything. The world does not revolve around you. You can’t always have things your way.” I need to eat my own words. I must remember that the world owes me nothing, and no one is responsible for meeting my needs except me. Ouch! The next time the heat of anger stirs, I will pause and tell myself, “Who am I to expect others to do everything I wish?”

Key Takeaways: Though I saw how selfish and vain my sister and Mom were, it reminded me to be more giving and considerate of others. 

Though we all get angry at times, it is vital to remember that it is because things did not go our way. But the world does not revolve around your needs and wants!

Next week, you will hear about two real-life stories called Getting Under My Skin and Two Famous People . If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please feel free to share it with others, support the show by clicking on the link in the description, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!