Tackling the Fear of Aging (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Tackling the Fear of Aging  and Judged by My Looks.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:02 Tackling the Fear of Aging
• 8:26 Judged by My Looks
• 14:02 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #142 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Tackling the Fear of Aging and Judged by My Looks.

Tackling The Fear of Aging
Since my exhilarating and life-changing skydiving experience over twenty years ago, I have reduced my fears to a small number. Whenever I feel afraid, I attack and reprimand my inner voice to remind it that I created fear from my way of thinking. However, there is one fear that still frightens me. It is growing old and dying alone. Will I gulp my last breath alone, and no one would know I was dead until weeks or months later? With a shift in perspective or finding a new perception, my fear of aging is beginning to dissipate.

I saw a giant cockroach in my bathroom. I looked at it and said, "You are big, but I am much bigger than you." With that, I stepped on it and disposed of it. That was me talking to the roach and looking at the situation differently. Years ago, I saw another large cockroach in my kitchen. It scared me that I didn't want to go to the kitchen but had to cook and eat! Each time I went into the kitchen, something in my chest felt uncomfortable, and I couldn't shake the discomfort. I looked around but hadn't seen the insect in weeks. I then wanted to see it so I could squash it and relieve myself from the fear. It still didn't show up. I proceeded to research and found that roaches could go for a month without eating but could not live without water. I surmised it had been nearly a month, I didn't see it crawling anywhere, and I never left food out for long. However, there was water in the sink area. No wonder I saw it near there. 

More fear set in each time I went near the sink, and I had to use the sink daily. One day soon, I saw a giant roach sitting on the table motionless. "Thank you for sitting still and making it easy for me to slap my slipper on you," I said. I quickly slapped my slipper on it and cleaned up the mess with a paper towel. I learned cockroaches don't hear very well, so why did I talk to it? I needed to speak out loud to kill my fear of the creature smaller than the palm of my hand. I needed to remind myself that the fear I held onto was not helping me feel any better, and I had created the fear. 

You might say that it is easier to overcome the fear of cockroaches because it is something you can see and get rid of before your eyes. However, real or imagined, fear is fear! 

A few things happened on the road to reducing my fear of aging. My fourteen-year-old student said, "What does it feel like to be as old as you?" As young as he was, I couldn't get offended or take it personally. However, I was surprised at what spontaneously came out of my mouth. "I would like to be as young as you to have all the energy to do many things, but I am glad to be old to have the wisdom I have." Suddenly, I realized something good about aging! But that was only the beginning of a shift in perception.

My bones ache. I pant after going up three flights of stairs. I huff a lot more, running down the block. I sometimes put my hands on my thighs to get up. Why do I do that? Suddenly, I feel old again. I remember my fear of aging; it came back to me again. Then, I read a quote that shifted my perception some more. As Michael Altshuler said, "The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot."

Indeed, the bad news is time seems to fly by the older we get. I am well aware of that, but I am happy to be reminded that I am the pilot. I am the one to steer the direction I will go. I choose where I go. I smile; I reclaim the power that belongs in my hands. I decide how I spend my time.

My awareness of the limited time I have to be alive has motivated me to get more done in a shorter period. For example, I began traveling up to six times a year to more countries. I went hot-air balloon riding, took a cruise, took a wine train excursion, lived abroad, enjoyed two language learning programs in another country, went on a spiritual journey to Bhutan, and other things on my bucket list. Aging reminds you to hurry and do what you want sooner, and that's good!

Many call aging the enemy you can't avoid. I will call aging the friend to remind you to live life fully. Don't delay doing what you want to do. Don't delay telling others what you want to say to them. It would be horrible to regret not doing what you wanted. Do it so you can rest in peace knowing you did it, regardless of the outcome. Feeling my friend close by my side, I shift again to be further away from the fear of aging. 

Having explored the idea of writing and podcasting and making them a reality, I rejoice for the satisfaction they bring to creating a life that could make a difference for others. Aging cannot and should not stop you from pursuing dreams, enjoying hobbies, completing items on your bucket list, and learning new things. Doing them can even help slow the onset of some diseases and help you live a longer life! 

The shifts in perspectives and the positive things that go with aging can only give you hope instead of despair. Twyla Tharp, the American dancer, once said, "Age is not the enemy; stagnation is the enemy. Complacency is the enemy. Stasis in the enemy." 

Twyla reminds me that I have fewer enemies of aging than I thought previously. Though still employed, I enjoy writing my stories and podcasting my voice. I review and add things to my bucket list to complete. I make the time to enjoy my hobbies and have a weekly "me" day to attend to only me. To do whatever I want and whenever I want are precious gems. The sooner you position yourself in that place, the more the fear of aging dissipates, and the more you live life unapologetically!

Judged By My Looks
Everyone judges others by their appearance; we can’t help it! But when you are criticized for it negatively, you come to hate the “Looks Judges.” However, if you are complimented for all your good looks or “right” looks to appeal to others, I beg to ask you: Is that all you want to be valued for as a person? I no longer hate those who judge me for my looks because I believe I have something more valuable.

I am not ugly. You wouldn’t look away if you saw me. All my ex-boyfriends and ex-husband thought I was beautiful. Even many of my female friends consider me to be attractive. Many compliment me for my milky white and fair skin with little blemishes. Some admire me for my meaty ears. Others praise my straight nose of elegance. I never gave much heed to outer beauty because it was something I was born with and accepted as what was God-given.

Aside from the beautiful movie stars and advertisements that suggest we could always look better, I was never so infuriated as when I applied to work in Asia. I was an experienced and skilled professional, but nearly no one wanted to hire or even interview me. I was baffled because most advertisements stated no experience was required. And I had experience, so what was the problem? After some investigation, I found a few agencies telling me the truth after I pressed for some answers. One lady said her boss was looking for young, foreign-looking people. I got it. No wonder they asked to see my passport when I applied. My passport identification page alone determined if I would get the job. My passport showed my birthdate, which let them know my age. My photo showed that I was not foreign-looking; I had an Asian face, and they didn’t want that. 

I am a native speaker of English, but my Asian look did not match their idea that a foreign face had to go with a native English-speaking ability. I was astonished to learn that many people still don’t know that the United States of America comprises many different ethnic groups. And we can all speak English.

It angered me to be judged for my looks. I was not applying for a modeling job, so why was my appearance so important to them?

After some years in Asia, I learned that even though employers may not judge me for my looks, their customers did. So, they needed to give the customers what they wanted. And the customers wanted foreign-looking people. That was what proved to them that they were native English speakers. That idea or belief seemed to drive everything. Job candidates needed to look the part for the customers, and it didn’t matter if the worker had the skills and ability to teach. How sad it is for the students who could get teachers who couldn’t teach but only had the native tongue.

If I didn’t look the part, how did I get the job??? I will have to call it a stroke of luck. The hiring manager at the time was a Canadian. He hired me for my skills and not my looks. This I know because he let me know he was impressed with my years of experience, a degree in education, a license specialized in working with second language learners, and bilingualism. He hired me over the phone and had seen my photo. I am grateful he hired me for my brain and not my beauty so I could work abroad in Asia.

Soon, my employer and her staff recognized me for my skills. Though my looks did not match what the customers wanted, they learned to accept me because I produced excellence in the students I taught. Still, I am considered the exception rather than the rule.

Most of my students love me for what I can do to help them learn or for how I care for them. They judge me by my character and not my looks. I make it clear that I am an American. I can only hope that the next generations will value skills over appearance. I hope I can impart to them not to judge a book by its cover but by opening it and learning that there is a wealth of information in books and people when you take the time to see what is inside.

Born to immigrants living in America, I have an Asian face, but I am all American in my ways of thinking and behaving. Still, in Asia, I am judged as if I am not an American or a native English speaker. I have no control over how others view me, but I do have control over what I think of myself. I choose to value my brain over beauty. After all, my brain can only grow with more knowledge, experience, and skills to refine my character; my outer beauty cannot do that.

The next time you judge a person by their appearance, please stop and consider what you are doing and take the time to learn more about a person before you jump to conclusions. If not, how would you like to be judged? How would you like to be valued?

Key Takeaways: Though I thought aging was my enemy, I found it to be my friend to remind me to live life fully now.

Though I was judged by my looks, I learned that the value of who I am is more important. 

Next week, you will hear about two real-life stories called Begging and Master the Disasters. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please feel free to share it with others, support the show by clicking on the link in the description, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!