Asking for Help (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Asking for Help  and Less Space but More Freedom.

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Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:02 Asking for Help
• 8:33 Less Space but More Freedom
• 13:38 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #138 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Asking for Help and Less Space but More Freedom.

Asking For Help
Ever since I was a little girl, I hated asking for help. That was because Mom sent me to live with Grandma at age five. Unbeknownst to me, my reaction was, “Fine, I don’t need you, anyway.” I boarded an airplane all by myself. That was the day I declared my independence from my parents. Little did I know I would carry that stance for the greater part of my life. It took many years for me to realize that I had decided I had to do things on my own. I would not ask others for help because it would be a sign of weakness if I did. I was determined to show Mom and the world I didn’t need anyone. It wasn’t until something happened that I began asking for help without feeling bad about it.

Auntie Tessa was three years older than me and walked me to school until she went to middle school; I was scared but proud to start walking by myself finally. Auntie Cassie took me to the optometrist for an eye exam and a pair of glasses. She got me a pair of pink glasses with gold glitter all over the frames. Worse, they were in the shape of cat eyes. It was hideous looking, and I felt helpless. I couldn’t choose what I wanted. I hungered for the day I could do more independently and choose what I wanted.

Before college, Uncle Holden told me to look for a community college because no one would pay for my college education, and I was not smart enough to attend a regular college. I got emancipated and felt relief with the legal separation from my parents at seventeen. They had long disposed of me to Grandma, but now it was legal. I was officially an independent woman from them. I found a way to get my college expenses paid for and proved my motto to be true: I didn’t need them.

The day came when I needed a lot of help and felt disgusted. Every time someone helped me, I felt like I owed them something. Uncle Holden certainly made me feel bad that I owed him. Poor Grandma gave him money (what little money she had) for gas, and he begrudgingly did the two-hour drive to get me to college with my many suitcases. Luckily, when I arrived, seniors dashed out to greet me and help me with my luggage. I was ecstatic to begin college.

After two years of college living in a utopia, I decided to transfer to another college. Transporting and moving all my luggage was no easy feat. I had to move them from one location to another and had no one to watch the suitcases I hadn’t yet moved. I wished for some help but got what I wanted: To be on my own without help. I hungered to do everything on my own, and here I was, all alone, and it didn’t feel good. I moved all the suitcases without incident, but I could feel the struggles and decisions I would need to make ahead of me. Despite the difficulty, I still wanted to move forward independently. I still wanted to show the world I didn’t need anybody. That little girl in me was a fighter who would not stop fighting to stand up on her own.

Having lugged suitcases alone multiple times, I learned to minimize some belongings and travel lightly. In other words, I found ways to be more efficient and self-sufficient. Though I got scholarships, government grants, and loans, I still worked part-time jobs to pay for necessities. I was surviving on my own.

Upon graduation, I called Grandma to attend. She called my parents to come instead. She thought that since they were my parents, they should attend. Stupid me allowed my parents, who contributed nothing to my college education or growing up, to come. Mom even said, “You never asked.” So, according to Mom, I never asked, so that was why they didn’t pay for my college education. According to my junior high school friend Yasmine, my parents agreed to my emancipation because they didn’t want to be bound by any parental obligations.

In hindsight, I am glad about what happened. Because I didn’t ask for money, I forced myself to find a way to afford my college tuition. In my mind, I had to prove that I could do it alone and did it without the help of relatives. Though difficult, the situation pulled out my creative skills to find a solution, and they became my most significant life accomplishment.

Though the little girl in me fought to stand tall, Mom once more jabbed at my ego by saying I didn’t ask. It reminded me never to count on anybody for anything. As a college graduate, I showed all my relatives that I could do what they thought I could not. They didn’t think I could go to a regular college and afford it, but I did both. The satisfaction I got was more important than asking for a handout.

Soon after college, I began my career and no longer worried about having enough money. I could work full-time and cover all my expenses. I still acted like I had something to prove and continued behaving independently.

It wasn’t until I attended a personal development class that my perspective about asking for help changed, and my attitude and behavior changed. Hearing someone else talk about struggles in doing everything themselves, I saw my own pain. It occurred to me that while I tried desperately to prove that I didn’t need anyone and refused to ask for help, I induced pain in myself. It never occurred to me that asking someone for help could be a sign of bravery. It would undoubtedly require some courage for me to ask for help. It was scary, but I wanted to show bravery, too. So, I began to ask sporadically. Each time I did it, I mustered up more courage within me.

My eyes also opened to a new perspective. When people can help others, it is a satisfying feeling. Each time I help others, I remind myself there is no shame in helping others who ask for help. When I ask for help, I give another person a chance to contribute to others. Giving is a treasure to behold. With a new outlook, I ask for help when needed and won’t feel bad about it. Of course, I still try to do many things on my own, which gives me great satisfaction. But I no longer do it to the point of excruciating pain. I will ask and know that it is okay to ask. It is okay to let others give to me, as it is beautiful when I can give to others.

Less Space but More Freedom
With three suitcases, one carry-on luggage, and a backpack, I was bound to move abroad. It wasn’t a planned adventure but an escape from a bad breakup and a financial meltdown since I went out of business in 2008 during the global economic crisis. With few possessions and little money in my pocket, the future looked bleak. Yet, because of those few suitcases, I found a new kind of freedom I had never imagined.

Traveling abroad, I knew only two suitcases, a carry-on suitcase, and a purse or bag were allowed for free. There would be an extra fee for anything more, so I opted to pay for one extra suitcase. How could one fit an entire life into only a few pieces of luggage? I didn’t know how to do it, but I knew it had to be done. I needed to escape my misery as fast as possible.

I had left the security of a wonderful career and entered a risky financial services business. If I didn’t make a sale, my savings would dwindle, and it would be hard to put food on the table. I struggled and endured it for five years, and then the company I worked with went out of business. Simultaneously, my boyfriend and I broke up. I didn’t see the tsunami that came crashing down on me. Drowning, I thought I would die, but I am also a fighter.

And so I fought my way out to swim across the Pacific Ocean to an island nation with little on my back. Unpacking was so quick when you had so little. It left me to have time to go out and explore immediately. Luckily, I had secured a job before moving. I had never felt this kind of freedom before; my body and mind were light. As if I were floating to move from place to place, I attempted to read and make sense of the foreign words before me. I was like a child, curious and full of wonder. I didn’t have a care in the world. But I never had such a feeling, even as a child. I was engulfed in sensations I never had. Uncontrollable smiles marked my face. Worries escaped me, or was it that I was far, far away from all my troubles? What was important was that I gleamed with joy to feel carefree and worry-free, and never did I enjoy such ecstasy!

I thought it was that I had successfully escaped from my nightmare of a reality and got vacuumed into another world that was utopian. Upon reflection, one significant contribution was those few suitcases I brought with me.

It never occurred to me that I could feel so free when I had fewer things with me. It was as if all the possessions I previously had weighed me down, created burdens for me, and gave me more responsibilities and worries.

I miss and love the Toyota Prius I had, but it was a load off of me after I sold it. I needed no more car maintenance, no more car insurance, and no more fear of car accidents and liabilities. Without all of that, some worries disappeared. Now I walk, take a bus, taxi, train, or airplane everywhere with fewer worries in the transportation department.

With a five-minute walk to work, I get more time to relax instead of wasting time on a commute. Having a uniform for work also reduces the time needed to get ready for work. With little time spent commuting or getting ready for work, I find I have even more time to enjoy my hobbies. Previously, my commute was one hour round-trip, and preparations to get ready for work were one hour, so now I have two hours of free time instead of two hours of commuting and getting ready for work daily. Who doesn’t want more time doing the things they enjoy?

With fewer possessions, I also needed less space. With less space, I had less cleaning and tidying to do. Here is another hour of freed-up time where I can enjoy hobbies and exploration instead of spending more time on chores! 

We all have the same 24 hours a day. Why can’t we spend more time relaxing or enjoying what we want? We can! We can cut down on our commute time by living near work or working remotely. We can reduce the time we spend on chores by having less space or more usable space. We can decrease the number of possessions we have or don’t use and the number of things to maintain. Indeed, fewer things and less space increase more time to do the things we want!

 Key Takeaways: Though asking for help made me feel weak and incapable, I learned it also takes courage to ask, and most people like receiving support, so give.

Though I moved abroad and lived in a smaller space, I found more freedom and time to do the many things I always wanted.

Next week, you will hear about two real-life stories called The Three Virgins and Me and Shopping with and Without Santa. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please feel free to share it with others, support the show by clicking on the link in the description, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!