Disrespected (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Disrespected and  How to Overcome Adversity.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:00 Disrespected
• 8:36 How to Overcome Adversity
• 14:44 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #136 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Disrespected and How to Overcome Adversity.

Disrespected
"Daniel, get to work; start writing and finishing your work," I said. "No, I don't want to do it," said Daniel. "Get to work, Daniel, "I repeated firmly. "Teacher, you are so fat and an idiot," whispered Daniel. The next thing I knew, Daniel stuck his middle finger at me because I reminded him to get to work again. Then he laughed about what he had done. Having taught in the USA for over twenty years, I had never been disrespected by students with such ill-mannered words or defiance as I experienced with Daniel and the many elementary school-aged students I encountered on this island nation. However, it woke me up to realize that I was disrespected. What was I to do?

"Aurora, I am reading; I need you to look at the book and follow along," I said. "No," retorted Aurora. I repeated what I said. The next thing I knew, Aurora threw a temper tantrum and unleashed her anger at me with her eyebrows turned up like Dracula's and a squirming and moaning sound coming from her mouth like a baby not getting her way. Under her breath, Aurora mumbled that I was fat and stupid. Sounds like Daniel, I thought. It was hard to ignore as she disrupted the class's learning time. I stopped teaching to clearly state that I wanted her to learn to read better by following along when I read and that I did nothing wrong for her to be angry at me and to behave in such a manner. I told her it was not nice to speak to me like that. And she rolled her eyes at me.

You might say, how could I have had such students? But I did. You might say, "Come on, you are pulling my leg; it never happened to you in the USA?" I am not pulling your leg; I have never had such disrespect for my twenty years of teaching in the USA. And I can't believe I am on an island nation with seemingly innocent kids, talking to the teacher like that.

But it gets worse. Many of the parents of these students don't punish their children for misbehavior or disrespect for the teacher. They are only nicely reminded not to do it again. And so the kids continue to do whatever they want. As the teacher, I have no other adult support from the natives of the island. I am not here to discuss what I see as the problem with such students or adult natives. I have tried tackling and resolving it all, but it is a much larger problem beyond my scope. 

Despite experiencing such situations, there is a silver lining in this story. Others have probably disrespected me before, but I didn't notice it. Maybe it was not apparent to me, or it was subtly coming from other adults, and I ignored it.

Perhaps because my students blatantly and unabashedly expressed themselves, I realized the disrespect. Maybe because adults tend to be more subtle and careful, I didn't notice the many instances of disrespect towards me. I thought they were just mean, inconsiderate, or unkind people. How stupid was I? I sat, reflected, and recalled when someone disrespected me without fully realizing the depths.

My emotionally abusive ex-husband disrespected me when he said, "How could you be a teacher when you don't know the answer…. (to what he wanted to know)." He'd degrade me for having a Master's degree because I didn't always have the answers to solve all his problems. He'd belittle my job as a teacher because it paid less than his job as an engineer. Worse, he'd call me all sorts of names when I disagreed with his opinions, which he always thought were correct. Now I know he disrespected me, and I sucked it all in and tolerated it for seven long years before I filed for divorce.

An ex-principal listened to idle gossip from teachers who were jealous of my students' standardized test results and neglected to hear my side of the story. What little I said didn't hold water. Why didn't I stand up for myself? I thought I did, but upon reflection, I did not express myself confidently and did not "fight" for my rights aggressively. I did not demand that the perpetrators explain themselves in front of the principal and me. Knowing myself, it wouldn't have been like me to be aggressive and outspoken, so I couldn't say I would have done otherwise. At any rate, the me today is thankfully different. Perhaps it is from self-reflection. Maybe it is from refusal to tolerate anyone or anything any longer. Enough is enough!

The most disrespect I endured was when I moved to an island nation of a different culture than mine. I have yet to figure out why they, adults and children alike, think it funny to disrespect others and laugh about it. 

Someone drops something; they laugh. Someone says an unkind word to another person, and they laugh about it. They talk back to the teacher with unkind words and laugh about it. They roll their eyes at the teacher and think it is funny. They make fun of other teachers and laugh. These are elementary school-age children! It is beyond my understanding. I chalk it up to not understanding their culture or wealthy children in a private school who can do whatever they want without being punished by their parents or the staff. The sour taste left on me is that they have no remorse for their actions; they think it amusing.

Though I find nothing amusing about the attitude and behaviors I have witnessed countless times, I have learned something from them, which is important.

It took the disrespect from kids to wake me up to speak out loudly and stand up for myself. I told them that it was unacceptable behavior and attitude toward me. I reminded them that I was there to help them learn and it was not okay to talk to me with unkind words. Feeling the heat from my body and face, I said, "You don't speak to me like that, and it is not okay for you to talk to me like that," I fumed. As if I was being bullied, I finally expressed myself outwardly and let others, including adults, know it was unacceptable. 

I am no longer an unconscious silent victim. I refuse to allow myself to become a victim and be mistreated any longer. Enough is enough! Maybe my confidence and courage strengthened each time I overcame a challenge. So, I can now consciously stand up and make my voice heard loud and clear. The lion from within will roar if you wish to disrespect me.

How to Overcome Adversity
Those who have heard of my adversities often ask how I could overcome one adversity after another. I didn’t have an immediate answer, but I uncovered some ideas as I wrote my stories of adversity. I discovered that pulling out creative skills, viewing different perspectives, and learning new information all combine to enhance problem-solving skills to overcome adversity (as I wrote in my story Three Ways to Overcome Adversity, in my podcast). Besides those three methods or the predecessor to those strategies, I unearthed what underlies them that can help motivate creative juices, new perspectives, and reasons to learn. It gives me hope for everyone, myself included, if only they knew.

Pulling out a story I once learned about while in business, I gave it another look, and one old idea led to a new idea. The story asked, Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean? The old idea had me thinking about which one I could be and which I wanted to be more often. 

If you don’t already know, it is a story about dealing with adversity. The pot of boiling water represents adversity. The carrot turns soft, the egg turns hard on the inside, and the coffee bean changes the water. Some people weaken when faced with challenges like the carrot. Many turn hard on the outside like the hard-boiled egg, while others change the color of the water or improve themselves from hardships. You could be resigned to identifying yourself as a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean. My original take on it was such when I first read this story. However, many years later, I realized such a response was disempowering! 

My lightbulb went off, and an aha moment came to me. Whichever you may be, it could be an automatic response or way of being. We need not stop there. My new idea is that you can change it no matter which one you are, naturally or automatically. How?! Choose which one you want to be.

If you choose to be a carrot, stop complaining and be content with your choice. If you decide to be an egg, don’t grunt and be proud of your stance. Should you select to be a coffee bean, don’t fuss about the hard work and be satisfied with the growth and development you produce. Whichever you choose, know that the power is in your hands.

With the new idea that I get to choose how I handle adversity like a carrot, egg, or coffee bean, I choose not the carrot because I loathe being weak and a victim of circumstances. I refuse defeat; the warrior in me will fight. If I decide to be a carrot, I have no power; without it, I cannot change anything.

I admit that, at times, I faced adversity like an egg. I often call it the human part of me, like the fragile shell that envelopes me. But I will harden and act like I don’t feel or care. It is me, like a knight with steel armor that will appear impenetrable.

I acted firm, bendable, and strong like an egg. You think I am fragile because I am quiet, but crack and peel my shell, and you will find I am solid and flexible and not the weakling you thought I was. My uncles thought me too stupid to go to college; they would bump into me to crack my fragile shell that had feelings, but they would find a stiff interior that appeared not to care or feel their demeaning remarks. My ex-boyfriend left me for another woman and didn’t think much of it; he attempted to connect with me on social media only to find a hard tin woman (like the tin man in The Wizard of Oz). My ex-husband, whom I divorced, tried calling many times and knocked on my door to find no human to greet him. I was a hard-boiled egg that was a robot with no feelings. Of course, I did have emotions, but I would conceal them with my hard exterior. 

Demean me, belittle me, bully me, betray me, and do what you will behind my back because you have no guts to face me; I stand tall like a frozen egg. Indeed, a frozen egg has no feelings and is still fragile with its exterior shell. It is a sad position to place oneself in. I moved on to choose to be like a coffee bean.

Since I choose to be like a coffee bean, I choose creativity to help me solve problems. I select learning and growing with new information and different perspectives to face and overcome adversity. Challenges and hardships don’t seem to escape me. But armed with the choice to select how I would like to respond gives me the power and strength to overcome, elevates my development, and spreads inspiration. You will meet adversity anyway, so why not choose how you will face it?

Key Takeaways: Though my students disrespected me, I discovered that others disrespected me and I didn’t stand up for myself previously, but now I know better. 

Though I have had many adversities and found ways to overcome them, I also learned that I can choose how I react to them.

Next week, you will hear about two real-life stories called Do Words Matter? and Life in One Suitcase. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please feel free to share it with others, support the show by clicking on the link in the description, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!