The Family I Came From (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode, you will hear about The Family I Came From and The Exceptional Teacher.




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Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:05 The Family I Came From
• 6:29 The Exceptional Teacher
• 14:42 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #130 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about The Family I Came From and The Exceptional Teacher.

The Family I Came From
I came from a teenage mother with more children than she could handle. She married someone who loved her; they stayed together and never divorced. But my mom never mastered being loving and caring. She sent me away at age five to live with my grandparents. She sent my younger sister to boarding school as an early teenager. She sent my youngest sister to live with my grandma when she was ten. My two teenage brothers stayed with an uncle while in their teens. Only my eldest sister, my parents' favorite, stayed by my parents' side until she married. Mom constantly compared us and cared more about our physical appearance than our moral character or traits. Our family of eight was rarely entirely together. There was always at least one or two of us absent, even at big family gatherings for a wedding or a funeral. Mom made it that way. That was the family I came from.

Mom sent me away first and at the youngest age. My abandonment issues resulted in feeling unworthy of love and unworthy as a person. To my surprise, my siblings, who were allowed to stay and live with my parents, had it worse. Internally, a basket case myself, I could not imagine how bad my brothers and sisters had it. Grandma would tell me how Mom boasted about how beautiful she thought her eldest daughter was, and there was no talk about any of her other children. Mom had six children, but it sounded like she only had one child. In her mind, she probably did because she sent the rest of us away. We all resented Mom.

Appearances was everything to Mom. My younger sister was not allowed to attend any significant event, including our grandparents' funerals and my wedding, because it would be too embarrassing to let people know that her third daughter was a single parent. Since Mom removed me from the family at age five, my younger siblings and I never had much of a relationship, and some people didn't even know I was one of the family's kids. When I got married, my wedding coordinator witnessed that Mom and my eldest sister cared more about how their dresses, makeup, and hair looked than participating in anything to help with the wedding details. It was embarrassing, but what could I say about the family I came from?

Today, others still wonder why I am not close to my family or have much contact with them. When the grandmother who raised me died nearly twenty years ago, one of my uncles said, "This is the end of us having ever to get together again." My uncle was right; that was the last time many of us saw each other. The grandma who raised me was the glue to the family, and with her departure from the family, we no longer felt any obligations. We have had zero communication for over twenty years. That is the family I came from.

For too long, the family where I came from defined, affected, and pained me. It has taken years for me to pull myself out of the adverse effects. However, pull and drag, I did. With changes in perspectives, experience, and maturity, I found light out of the darkness.

With a change in perspective, I found comfort in knowing that I was fortunate to have grown up with a grandmother who gave me love and care and taught me how to be good. Aside from my eldest sister, my siblings did not get it. With experience, I was lucky to have a boyfriend and soulmate as a teenager and a twenty-something while going through the growing pains. With courage and creativity, I fought my way to find the financial means to attend college and graduated with a Bachelor's and Master's degree. Afterward, I had a long and successful career as a teacher. I loved, cared for, taught my students, and gave them what I never got from my parents. I even became an entrepreneur, writer, and podcaster. As Ella Fitzgerald said, "It isn't where you came from. It's where you're going that counts."

I now choose not to be defined, ruined, or suffer from where I came from. I need not be compared to others; I am my unique self. The most important opinion is my opinion of myself. My outward appearances are not ugly, and my inner beauty only grows more each day. I am worthy because I said so. As Meghan Markle said, "You draw your own box." And I choose to draw my own.

The Exceptional Teacher
Her uncle's wife, Aunt Zelda, thought the twelve-year-old girl had a knack for kids. Aunt Zelda asked the girl's grandmother if the girl could babysit her son, the girl's cousin because she thought she was good with kids. When the girl turned twenty-two, she began studying to become a teacher. Her supervising professor observed that the young lady had a special connection with kids. She said she had never seen someone who could connect with kids a bit like a friend to the kids but at the same time had authority with children. The professor thought the young lady to be exceptional. But what did become of the young lady?

In her first year of teaching, state representatives went out on the field to observe teachers and evaluate the overall performance of schools. They identified the top three teachers, and the first-year teacher was one of them. They were shocked to learn that the young lady was only in her first year of teaching. 

In her second year of teaching, she took courses during her summer vacation as she strived to become a better teacher. One class overflowed with more than one hundred teachers; undoubtedly, it was a popular class because it was about classroom management and organization. A range of beginning teachers to teachers who had been teaching for over twenty years was present. It was a subject that teachers constantly searched for better ways or more effective methods. 

In one assignment, the professor asked students to draw and share a classroom map with other students. In the next assignment, students were to take pictures of their classroom and share them with classmates. Soon, the professor called out only one lady to share about her classroom organization.

By this time, the lady had only finished her second year of teaching, and the professor called on her. The professor gave the floor to her for two minutes, but it ended up being twenty minutes because the beginning and seasoned teachers had questions. They wanted to know and sounded hungry to know the answers to their questions. The young lady answered and explained the reasoning behind the way she organized her classroom. She was surprised and baffled that what she shared with the teachers were novel ideas to them. The professor said she had to see the lady's classroom one day. Though it was a huge compliment, the lady did not understand why the professor and classmates thought her ideas were so interesting.

One year later, the professor went to see the young lady's classroom. The young lady was still puzzled about why the professor wanted to see it. She must have seen hundreds of classrooms before, and they must have looked similar. But there she was, the Ph.D. professor, carefully looking at the details of the walls of posters and student work adorned on the walls and the tables or areas of learning centers for the students.

By her fourth year of teaching, a mentor teacher recommended the lady to give district-wide workshops about a new curriculum. She partnered with another teacher to do it. She had many positive compliments from the participants, stating that the presentations were clear and understandable and made them feel comfortable implementing the new curriculum. 

In her fifth year, her school's student population dropped, and she had to leave because she had the lowest seniority. In other words, she taught the least number of years among the school faculty. As shocking as it was that she had to leave, she moved on to another school. 

More shocking was entering a school of unruly students with weekly suspensions. Everything the teacher knew to discipline students did not work. She heard four teachers were before her. They all quit within days, and it was only the third week of school in September when teacher number five came. After two weeks of struggling to face the challenge, it looked like the end of a teaching career for an excellent teacher. And it was only the beginning of her fifth year. She had worked hard to become a teacher, and after only four years, she contemplated giving up.

She was a fighter and didn't give up. Luckily, a resource teacher rescued her by introducing a discipline system that would set her up for life as an exemplary teacher. The school psychologist had said that if she could survive the school, she could handle kids anywhere. She was right. The fifth-year teacher was determined to meet the challenge. Following a discipline system consistently and frequently, things began to change. Students came to class on time. Suspensions stopped after a month or so. The principal acknowledged the lady in the school newspaper as having a classroom conducive to learning and helping disadvantaged learners. Facing a most challenging year boosted her self-confidence as a teacher, and when she left, other teachers still talked about her as the teacher who came and showed them that miracles could happen.

While at her next school, the district of seventy-two elementary schools had photographers taking pictures of classrooms all over the city. A back-to-school TV commercial with Joe Montana, a former football player, would be filmed, and they needed a classroom for that commercial. After sorting through all the photos from seventy-two schools, they used this lady's classroom. They said it was organized and sunny and emitted a warm environment, enticing learners to be excited about school.

By the end of that year, when standardized test scores came out, each school was ranked, and it was published in the city newspaper. This process was nothing new, but newsworthy was that it was the first time the school ranked in the top twenty. The principal credited the lady's class; the scores were so high that they pulled the whole school's score and ranking up. The news of her students' high test scores was not new to her, as it had happened many times in her career. 

As I detailed this teacher's accomplishments, it shows some amazing feats. She accomplished much in the early years of her career and continued to be a unique teacher with a knack for kids. Kids loved her and listened to her. She went on to become a teacher of teachers, giving workshops and training to hundreds. As great a teacher as she may be, I didn't think it was worth sharing. If I did not know this teacher and read about her here, I would say she is outstanding and I would like to learn from her. But I do know this teacher. And I didn't think much of what she accomplished because she is me. Many have complimented me in my teaching career, but I never digested my achievements or accepted the compliments as sincere. I always felt there was more to do to improve. It wasn't until I wrote this that I realized I had refused to acknowledge my accomplishments and anything good about me. And it is time I did!

Key Takeaways: Though I came from a dysfunctional family, my family need not define who I am; I define and design who I am.

Though much evidence suggested I was an exceptional teacher, I never acknowledged it until I wrote the words.

Next week, you will hear about two real-life stories called Coming Out of My Shell and The Slow People. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please share it with others, support the show by clicking on the link in the description, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!