Male Friends (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Male Friends and  I Lost it All.

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Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:03 Male Friends
• 9:23 I Lost it All
• 14:10 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #120 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Male Friends and I Lost it All.

Male Friends
Remember the movie When Harry Met Sally? They debated whether men could only be friends with women or vice versa. Sociologists say they can. I used to think it was possible, but in my experience, it is only to a point. That is to say, it depends on how far the friendship lasts. Whatever your opinion, hearing some stories can give you more to think about or some food for thought. Maybe you will keep the same viewpoint, or perhaps you will change your perception. Find out!

I am lucky to have had some good male friends, but am I? My first boyfriend, Keith, was my first male best friend. I could talk about anything under the sun with him. He helped me solve many problems, see the positive side of things, broaden my perspectives, and comfort me with his words when I was down. Our relationship was on and off for more than ten years. My female friends said I was lucky because they couldn’t just talk about anything with their boyfriends. So, they thought I had a precious jewel in Keith. I did, but I didn’t know it then, as he was my first, and I had nothing else to compare him with.

I call Evan one of my best friends, too. We met during college. We saw each other frequently during my first two years of college until I transferred schools out of state. Though I moved away, we kept in touch, and we even met in Hong Kong several times, where he came from during the holidays. I considered us good friends since we talked about many things. The only thing we didn’t talk about was male and female relationships. He was fun to be with and gave me a lot of laughs. I never thought of him as anything more than a friend.

It wasn’t until the end of my junior year that Evan came to visit me as he was on his way home back to Hong Kong after he graduated from school. I only considered it a friendly visit, but he proposed marriage. I burst out in laughter, and I was shocked beyond belief. I thought it was a joke, but he was dead serious and left the next day heartbroken. He didn’t allow me to say anything or help me understand his feelings for me. I thought we were great friends, but he let me know otherwise. He blindsided me; I didn’t see it coming. In this instance, Evan let me know that we couldn’t just be friends. He wanted more, and I didn’t feel the same way he did. Still, Evan kept in touch with me, and each time I saw him again, he proposed. Though I never married him, our friendship sporadically continued as we lived in different countries.

Gordon was another good friend. I met him when we were in a network marketing business. We always talked about business as it was the most interesting. Looking for prospects and meeting and talking to people hoping to get clients or business partners were always a challenge. I needed to chat with someone about the many issues, and it was nice to have Gordon to talk to about them. 

Gordon was a family man and was often home on the weekends and evenings when his wife went to work, and he was home to take care of their kids. He would invite me over to chat some more, and we would chat up a storm. I even tutored his children to improve in school. His wife seemed to be happy about my visits, too. I always considered Gordon a good friend and business associate and nothing more. His wife and children thought me a good family friend too. This friendship was good, but after some years, I ended it. I ended it when it seemed like he started saying inappropriate things. He would ask what I did on Saturday if I met with him on Sunday. One time, I said I went to the movies, and he would say something like you didn’t invite me to the movies, so what kind of friend was I. Another time, he would say that it had been weeks and I hadn’t visited him. I started feeling uncomfortable. I take responsibility for calling and visiting him. I considered him a friend only. Maybe it happened too often, and he began to like me in a way that I did not welcome, so I stopped communicating with him. I call this situation one in that you could be friends only up to a certain point, and then they want more. Luckily, I moved abroad later, giving me a perfect exit from an awkward situation.

Spencer was another man I met during my business venture. We had a mutual connection and became good friends. It seemed like we had some things in common, but then it didn’t seem like much. Interestingly, we kept in touch for over ten years. I can only say that he has been a good listener and there to listen to anything I had to say. I appreciate it greatly. 

I even asked Spencer about Gordon, who seemed to be making a pass at me; Spencer gave me the male perspective and said Gordon was making a pass at me. I told Spencer how disgusted I was about Gordon turning on me when we were only good friends. Another time, I called on Spencer to give me a male perspective about my then-husband, Anson. Anson and I were having marital troubles, and I wanted a male perspective to help me better understand him. Spencer agreed to visit with Anson. The guys liked each other and enjoyed time together, but I was no closer to comprehending Anson’s temper and anal nature.

I considered Spencer to be a good listener and friend and nothing more. During the global pandemic, when many stayed home to be safe, I began calling people weekly to keep myself sane. Spencer was one of the friends I called weekly. My friends began to expect my weekly calls and would notice if I didn’t call. This instance was when things seemed to change a bit between Spencer and me. When he didn’t hear from me, he would point out that he hadn’t heard from me for a while. I think Spencer never called me because he did not want to appear as if he were pursuing me, so it was all my fault if he started to have different feelings for me. Because of this, Spencer reminds me that men can’t just be friends with women. They can, but only to a point. I believe Spencer knows I don’t have any feelings for him other than friendship, so he would not cross the line. I think that is him showing respect for me.

As my female friends say, I am lucky to have guy friends I can talk to because they don’t. Keith, Evan, Gordon, and Spencer were four of my best male friends. I only loved Keith deeply, and the other ones I didn’t. Evan and Spencer respected me enough not to cross the line I did not want them to cross. Gordon might have started to briefly, and I stopped communicating with him. 

Male friends are good to have because they can give you a male perspective on things. They also have fewer emotional dramas and imagination. They seem to have more realistic and factual ideas. I appreciate that, and it helps me get along well with them. Of course, it is my general opinion, and it is based on my experiences. Remember, if you don’t want them to cross the line of your friendship, let them know.

Like the movie When Harry Met Sally, I wish for a deep friendship coupled with love as I had with Keith. Be grateful if you do, appreciate it if it is a thing of the past, and treasure it if you find it.

 I Lost It All
It was a beautiful five-bedroom house with a three-car garage and a backyard where we planted three fruit trees. It was a brand-new house, and I chose it when my husband and I decided to move to the burbs. What I loved the most was the master bedroom’s bathroom and closet. The bathroom had a whirlpool bathtub and a shower with a bench. A large sitting make-up area was between the two sinks of the Corian countertop in the middle. Before arriving at the countertop, there was empty space. On the right were the bathtub and shower. On the left was a long rectangular closet with mirrored sliding doors and a closet organizer my husband had installed. Seeing that I had truckloads of clothes, Hubby said he could put all his belongings in another bedroom closet and use another bathroom. I had the entire bathroom, and closet to myself. It was the first time I could put all my hanging clothes and coats in one place. Happy as can be, I had space to prance and dance in my bathroom. As beautiful and luxurious as it was, I gave it up and lost it all in a divorce.

I bought a townhouse with three bedrooms, three full baths, a den, a two-car garage, a backyard, and more. I most appreciated my garage and den. The previous owner was a handyman and had built-in extra storage space in the garage. I had room to store many things above my cars. There was room for my stacks of racks to hold my sixty pairs of shoes and a washer and dryer. Though not as large as my previous home, the efficient use of space made it feel roomy. Having a house I owned alone was most comforting and enjoyable. Ten years later, I lost it in a short sale when I went out of business during the global economic crisis of 2008.

The accumulation of many business suits was no longer needed. Parting with the beautiful threads hurt, but I had to do it. More painful was giving up my prize possession: A Toyota Prius. Bought during my middle age, it was the first brand-new car I ever bought. It was also the first time I saw a built-in navigator in a car, and I had so much fun using it and feeling free to go anywhere without worrying about getting lost!

How do you recover from the losses of houses, cars, clothes, and other possessions? They are belongings that can come and go. To overcome them takes something you have that cannot be lost. In other words, you can lose many tangible items and still live, but as long as you never lose yourself, your self-worth, your courage, strength, and resilience, you can overcome the losses.

Losing a house from a divorce was hard to bear, but freedom was more important and gave me the strength to move on and get my place. Losing my townhouse in a short sale because I went out of business was even harder to overcome, but with resilience and bravery, I moved abroad and started a new life. With fewer clothes and belongings, I discovered I could live without them and still live a comfortable life with fewer worries and more time to enjoy people and places. It was unforeseen and unimaginable that the enormous risk taken resulted in living in paradise.

Though losing tangible things was unfortunate and distressing, I realized I gave it more value than needed. I had equated them with representing success. I had concluded that I was throwing away hard-earned money in the garbage. Those perceptions led to my discomforting pangs. However, the experience also made me realize that there were more valuable things. And those precious things would bring me out from the pain of the losses.

Today, the loss of possessions is no longer so painful because I know I can live without them, and I have the most valuable thing with me: Myself. It includes my courage, tenacity, and strength to overcome any challenge. Always remember, the power is in your hands. Never can anyone take away your strength and character unless you allow them.

Key Takeaways: Though having male friends are great, there is a limit to how long they would be only a friend.

Though I lost most of my physical possessions, I discovered that I could live without them and that what I did have of more value was myself.

Next week, you will hear about two new real-life stories called Horrors in Japan and Everyday Happiness. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please share it with others, support the show by clicking on the link in the description, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!