Why I Married Him (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Why I  Married Him  and  Dealing with Failure.

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Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:04 Why I Married Him
• 9:54 Dealing with Failure
• 15:16 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #117 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Why I Married Him and Dealing with Failure.

Why I Married Him
He was a gentleman; he opened doors for me and carried bags for me. He was a planner; we planned our weekends together, and I liked that. He came from a nice family, and he had a stable career. He wasn't a playboy. He didn't drink, smoke, or do drugs. Most importantly, he felt like a normal and decent guy, so I married him. As it turned out, he became emotionally abusive, controlling, and anal after we married. How did Prince Charming turn into a monster? Some wonder why I married him, but I was clear about why, so I couldn't say I had regrets.

When you look at Keith, my first and greatest love, you will understand why I married Anson. Keith was my best friend and soul mate; I could talk about anything under the sun with him. He helped me solve many problems and comforted me when I needed a shoulder to lean on. Keith understood me more than anybody else in the world. There was also an enormous amount of chemistry between us. But we didn't live happily ever after.

Keith was not a good boyfriend. He never wined and dined me. Sometimes, he would even ask me to foot the bill. His income was unstable, and he was not a successful real estate agent. We spent a lot of time at home chatting or being intimate. It seemed abnormal to me. As great as our conversations were, something simmering underneath made me uncomfortable. Why didn't we do things with his friends? Why did we often eat in instead of out? Was he ashamed of me? But I met his family members at his home a number of times. He did have friends. Perhaps he wanted the company of other ladies with his guy friends and didn't want to look attached. I never knew, but the suspicion stayed with me, and his behavior didn't change. I didn't feel safe and secure with Keith. He was unreliable and did not feel like a family man who would care for me.

On the other hand, Anson often invited me out with his friends and told others that I was his girlfriend. He also wined and dined me at fancy restaurants. He would even pull out the chair for me; he made me feel like a princess. After dating for only two months, his parents asked to meet me. Anson couldn't stop himself from talking about me with his friends and family; they all wanted to meet me. The little things Anson did made me feel like his one and only girlfriend, and I was. Anson also made me feel like he cared about my well-being. When I had my four wisdom teeth taken out, he insisted on driving me home because he said I would be under anesthesia and dizzy. He also cooked porridge and fed me spoon by spoon since I could only have liquids or food that did not require chewing. I could do everything Anson did for me, but his kindness touched me.

One time and only one time, I ran out of gas at night after an appointment with a client. I happened to be in the town where Keith lived (about forty minutes away from my home), so I called him to tell him. He told me to call my auto insurance company. I was an idiot to have called him; I should have called for a tow truck to the gas station myself, but I thought of him first. I took care of matters myself and was left hurt and disappointed that he didn't show up to at least show he cared for my well-being.

Anson, on the other hand, would not have done what Keith did. Once, I got a temporary three-month job on an island off the freeway. The quickest way to get there was by car, but there were infrequent buses there, too. Anson insisted that he drive me there every morning. I was very uncomfortable about it and wasn't sure I wanted to see him every day when he was my boyfriend. Anson persisted in insisting, and I gave in. Anson drove me to work for three months when he was my boyfriend. Though it would have taken much longer, I could have taken the bus on my own, and Anson didn't need to drive me, but he did. I thought him to be kind and thoughtful. He showed care for me, and I appreciated it.

Anson filled in the missing pieces that were in the relationship with Keith. I met Anson long after I knew Keith, but I might have been looking for that piece that was missing from Keith. So, when I found it in Anson, I took it. I took it even though I knew Anson was not my best friend and we lacked chemistry. I consoled myself that you can't have everything. Everything was partly in Keith and partly in Anson. If you put the two together, maybe that would make the perfect that I envisioned. Keith's positives seemed ideal, but I also wanted someone who showed care for me and treated me like a priority. So, I married Anson.

When you look at Evan, my college buddy and someone I called one of my best friends, you'll be reminded of Keith. Keith and Evan were two of my best friends when it came to chatting up a storm and enjoying each other's company. But they both did not seem to care for my well-being. The last time I went to Hong Kong, I went to a party with Evan. We had a great time karaoke singing as a duet, playing games, and enjoying good food. When it was almost midnight, I told Evan I needed to leave since the subway stations would close at midnight. To my shock and dismay, he asked who would take the subway home and if they could show me the way to the subway station. Strangers took me to the subway station. I was unfamiliar with the area on foreign soil, and Evan had strangers direct me back to my hotel. Evan had asked me before, and I told him the subway station was half an hour's walk from my hotel. Walking for half an hour after midnight to my hotel, I panted in anger and fear. I was afraid for my safety, and I was angry at Evan. It seemed out of character for Evan, so I was flabbergasted. How could he be so heartless and uncaring?  

How Keith and Evan could have been my best friends and not care for my well-being could be mind-boggling. It was incomprehensible in my state of anger, and I thought they didn't care. As I think about how well they knew me, it was understandable but not excusable in my book. Keith and Evan knew how fiercely independent I was and that I did not like others to help me because it would mean I was incapable. They wanted to respect my abilities or the me they knew. So, the result was that they often didn't help me do things. But when it came to having a supportive friend or someone who was a good listener, they were there for me because they knew how important it was for me.

As independent as I was, I still hungered for someone to show care for me in other ways. Little things like carrying things, driving me somewhere, moving heavy items, or making chicken soup when I was sick add up like the sprinkles on top of a cupcake. Those little pieces that were missing from them led me to choose to marry Anson. Anson wasn't perfect, but I could count on him to be there and show care for me. That is not to say that showing care that way was more important. It says it was lacking in the relationships with Keith and several other boyfriends. I still wanted it, and it showed up in Anson. Though Anson was not one of my best friends or someone who understood me well, I got that in a few other boyfriends and other male or female friends. The other people filled that need, so it wasn't a void. Despite the bad parts about Anson, I can't regret marrying him because he had his good parts, too.

Dealing with Failure
Experiencing failure is hard enough to bear, and dealing with it is worse because it takes or lasts much longer. Even if you want to forget or ignore the failure that occurred, it could follow you and gnaw at you until you come to terms with it, but how can you?            

I once joined a business opportunity because it piqued my interest. After attending a national convention where audiences cheered with excitement to hear speakers impart knowledge and motivate them to make more sales and find more business partners, it vacuumed me in. I could not resist its power of persuasion. It made me dream; it made me excited to dream of wealth, and I believed I could do something to make it happen.

After quickly going through my warm market of people I knew, I did not make many sales or recruit many people I already knew. Soon, I faced recruiting strangers and approaching unknown potential clients to make sales. This situation was most difficult for a shy girl like me, but I persisted. I read books about sales and starting conversations with strangers. I practiced the skills I learned by using them at networking events, seminars, and anywhere where people gather. I tried various ways of connecting with people, such as using flyers, attending social events, writing letters, posting ads, and more. I spent much time and money before even making a dime. With tireless efforts over four years, I made no reasonable amount until the fifth year. Overall, I spent more money on the business than I made on income. 

What felt worse was having friends be the naysayers who said making millions was a pipedream. Rejection, after rejection to be a business partner or to buy from me, was hard to bear when you endured hundreds of them. The sacrifices of spending nearly all my time on it, taking risks, and working until late at night all led to much self-doubt when the results did not come. Despite my efforts, I believed I was not cut out for this line of work. The results proved it. I did not make enough to make a living; I was living off my savings. My team of fifty people was nothing to be proud of. I had never worked so hard at something, and it was one of my greatest failures.

When I shared my business failure with a friend named Everett, he had more questions than I wanted to answer. Finally, I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore and had nothing more to say about the matter. To my surprise, Everett said he asked many questions because he wanted to know, and I inspired him with my tenacity. I was flabbergasted. How could my failure inspire someone?!

Everett explained that my persistence and strength of character moved him and gave him a little more courage to pursue the things he wanted. It never occurred to me that anyone could possibly benefit from my failure. However, it was at that moment that there was a shift in my perspective on failure.

From what I thought was my business debacle, because I didn’t make the millions I dreamed of or have a team in the thousands, I discovered I acquired several precious gems like diamonds are forever.

Enduring the hundreds of rejections, criticisms, naysayers, and setbacks, I persisted. The gem was that I could persevere and strengthen my character. Approaching and speaking to hundreds of strangers, I stepped forward with courage. The jewel was that I got braver and braver. Searching for various places to meet many people and speak with them, I took more risks. The diamond was that I dared to jump out of my comfort zone again and again. The result was a me that astonished me: Someone full of tenacity, resilience, strength, and courage to pursue anything I wanted. Though I may have had those qualities before, the business tested me beyond belief. Indeed, failure is an opportunity to learn and grow into somebody extraordinary. 

Don’t fear failure; greet it with the warrior in you, knowing it can create a more amazing you.

Key Takeaways: Though Anson wasn’t perfect, he had qualities that were missing from other boyfriends and so I married him. 

Though I failed miserably financially while in business, the skills I learned and practiced, developed me into an extraordinary person.

 Next week, you will hear about two new real-life stories called Sighting of an Ex-Boyfriend and Simplify and Multiply Time. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please share it with others, support the show by clicking on the link in the description, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!