How to Solve Problems in the Mind (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about How to Solve the Problems in the Mind and From Refusing to Asking for Help.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:04 How to Solve Problems in the Mind
• 5:57 From Refusing to Asking for Help
• 15:45 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #114 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about How to Solve Problems in the Mind and From Refusing to Asking for Help.

How to Solve Problems in the Mind
Act like a computer, and you can solve many issues in your head. Try pretending to be like a computer, and you can simplify your life. How a computer is programmed can give you insight into how to solve some of your problems. With a shift in perspective, you can act like a computer to resolve issues, but how?

Whatever information we find on a computer was put there by one human or another. This fact alone gives me much comfort. Let me explain! In my head, I complain about my superior, who I think is unfair in her practices. She rewards some who don’t deserve it and dismisses or takes those who work hard and produce results for granted. It infuriates me. I feel like that slow-burning fire that keeps burning and will not extinguish itself. I have come to hate her, which is a strong feeling that pains me. In my mind, I see another person who doesn’t know how to do her job, yet she is given a title unfitting to her. It angers me when people act like they are such an authority on something when they are not. Why is life so unfair?

All the negative thoughts that roam inside me strain my head. All the awful feelings bottled up inside me stress me. Together, the result is an unsatisfied and unhappy me. How could I relieve myself of it all when the thoughts and feelings were so real and I could not solve the issues by communicating with the other parties who do not like confrontation?

I am left to solve my problem; it is my problem to resolve alone. I shall act like a computer. I shall acknowledge that whatever is in my head, I put it there. Just like a computer is fed the information it has, I feed the information I put in my mind. I need to stop professing my self-righteousness because it is hurting me and not resolving my issues. Knowing that I am the provider of the thoughts in my head, I can change or replace what is in there. I can choose what I put in there. It is empowering to know that I can change what is inside and alter my reactions and feelings about the matters that disturb me.

I decide to spend more time doing what gives me joy. I remind myself that my happiness is more important than being adamant that I am correct in my thoughts and feelings. I remind myself that my feelings of anger only eat me alive. They make me suffer, and it is self-inflicted pain. I release my anger because I have no right to expect others to fulfill my needs and wants. I am responsible for all I put in my head and take out of it. Acknowledging all this gives me freedom and choice. Acting like what a computer has and how it got what information it contains, I reclaim my power as to what I possess.

Thoughts are like information, and solutions seem more accessible than feelings. You may think, how can you change your feelings? They are automatic reactions, you might say. I suggest that this is not necessarily the case. Based on your perception, you determine the outcome and feelings you have. For example, I won an award, and none of my colleagues congratulated me. I could be sad or angry about it, but no, I reminded myself that people tend to be jealous of my abilities. It is their problem because of their insecurities. I am proud of myself regardless of other people’s reactions. I chose my response based on my perception.

Acting like a computer that gets fed information all the time, I feed myself with thoughts daily. Like a computer with information that you can delete, I can choose what ideas to toss from my head. By doing so, I can simplify my life. Try it; the power is in your hands.

From Refusing to Asking for Help
Mom tossed me over to Grandma to raise me at five, and that is when I began to rebel. I refused help at every turn I could because I needed to say that I didn't need anybody. Why? Mom didn't want me, so I didn't want anybody either! In some ways, my attitude in refusing help was a blessing in disguise, and at other times, it was to my detriment. With time and experience as my teacher, I shifted from refusing assistance to freely asking for help. I moved from a hard life to an easier life.

During college, I moved from one dorm to another. It was hard moving my belongings all by myself. I refused to ask anyone for help because that meant I couldn't do it alone, and I insisted that I didn't need anyone. I wanted to prove that I needed no one and was independent. I moved from the East to the West Coast during my junior year. Moving all my belongings from one place to another at the airport made me want to cry. I was so alone. There was no one to help me watch my suitcases in one place while I moved other ones to another location. I asked no one for help; I received no aid, which was all my own doing. I claimed no one cared, and I knew I would somehow manage because I am a survivor. I refused to be a victim of circumstances. Pity me, and I will show you I can do many things on my own.

I needed money to pay for college tuition. Everyone knew I planned to attend college, and no one offered to help financially. The fighter in me said I was independent and would find a way. I did. Soon after I graduated college, Mom said she didn't give me money because I never asked her. Can you believe it? Mom needed me to ask before I would have gotten any money. I grew up with a poor grandmother and learned the value of hard work. I learned to grow up to make my own money and not ask for money; if I did, I would be a beggar, and I refused to be one. Though supporting myself at age seventeen was challenging, I learned the value of money and making it independently. I have no regrets about not asking my immediate family for money, and I was used to getting nothing from them anyway.

Soon after college, I worked full-time and went to school full-time at night. It was challenging and exhausting with homework from work and school. By working full-time, I was able to afford graduate school tuition. I did not ask for help from anyone. The challenges of juggling work and study were not easy, but it was better than asking for help. I adamantly rejected asking anyone for money. I am no beggar.

The day came when I was to be married. In our family tradition, the groom's side paid for the dinner banquet, while the bride's side of the family paid for the church, reception, and gowns. My fiance's family had no problem doing their part. My side of the family, which never cared for me financially or in any other way, did not offer to do their part. Since I hated asking for help, I didn't ask. I paid for the church, gowns, and reception. My only comfort was that my fiancé offered to help. My poor grandmother also asked Mom to help. Mom called and offered to help with the flowers. She brought me to the flower shop, picked out the floral arrangements, and it was done. Soon, she called me to go pick up the flowers myself. I was furious! Grandma told me Mom would take care of the flowers, including paying for them. This time, I called Grandma and told her Mom told me to pick up the flowers. Grandma called Mom, and Mom was on her way to pick them up and pay for them. This was my first time demanding Mom and Dad to pay for something. I suppose it was my way of saying that since they never paid for raising me since I was five and never paid for my college tuition, it was time they paid for something as parents. I didn't ask them but demanded it through my loving grandmother.

I didn't ask for help for big things, so you should understand that I didn't ask for help for even the little things. When I got a ride somewhere, I was most grateful when I did not have a car. When someone helped me do anything without my asking, I was thankful. I was more appreciative than the average person because I had done so much alone that it was exhausting. Too stubborn and proud to ask for help, I persisted. I needed you to know that I am an independent woman.

After taking a personal development course, I learned that asking for help or needing help did not need to mean that I was weak or needy. But ingrained in my head was that idea, and it wasn't easy to detach from it. I began asking here and there and was uncomfortable about it. I reminded myself how good it felt when I helped others, so I did not need to feel bad if I asked others for help.

My firm stance of not asking for help sometimes crippled me. When I entered a business, I needed to ask people to join and partner with me in a network marketing business. I hated asking badly. When I shared about the benefits of the products, I felt like I was asking for money to put food on the table for me. It was excruciating to ask because I felt like I was begging. My stance probably revealed itself in my dealings with clients, and I was unsuccessful in making many sales. I learned from a sales guru that I needed to see that I was providing a service that would help others. Theoretically, it sounded great, but my emotional attachment to the idea that I was begging for a sale or business partner stopped me from much success.

Only recently did I realize that I began asking for help freely in the past year. The uneasiness to ask disappeared. The discomfort while asking vanished. The need to prove that I am an independent woman disappeared. How did it happen without me noticing?

I can only give credit to my life full of varied and complex experiences that led to the day when I stopped feeling like I was a beggar. I no longer feel a need to prove that I am independent. I am. Perhaps my increased self-confidence made me no longer need to prove anything to anybody. My trip to Bhutan led me to understand the meaning of interdependence. We all need each other in one way or another, and there is no shame in that. We all give and take. Giving is satisfying, and maybe taking feels like a bad thing sometimes. But we need both. My job abroad has allowed me to practice giving and helping many others with compassion. I have no problem giving, so I should also have no problem asking for help.

I freely ask: Can you call a taxi for me? I need to go to another branch location. I am trying to scan these documents, and it is not reaching my email. Can you help me with it? I need to step out. Can you watch them for me? Would you please bring the next candidate to my office? Do you want me to come over to you? Yes, I will send a driver to pick you up. This person knows my needs. I don't have a car in a foreign country and need a ride sometimes. Had you seen my life for several decades, you would be shocked to see me freely asking for help like nothing was wrong with it. And there is nothing wrong with it! Perhaps because I am in a management position, the people I ask for help willingly and respectfully assist me. And I don't feel bad about it because I know I have helped many, plenty of times. Giving and taking are part of interdependence.

In other places, I ask to inquire or to learn. We all have such needs, so why did I hold on to that debilitating belief that asking was a sign of weakness? That belief made me struggle for a long time, but luckily, I changed my perception and confidently moved forward. With the help of others, it makes life easier, and helping others is most gratifying. If you are anything like the former me who hated asking for help, remember the satisfaction there is for the person helping you!

Key Takeaways: Though we are not computers, sometimes we can solve problems by acting like a computer. Whatever thoughts or ideas that are in our heads, we put them there. Whatever we don’t like that we put in, we can take them out too.

Though I hated to ask for help because I wanted to prove my independence and strength, I started asking for help when I stopped trying to prove something and changed my perception.

Next week, you will hear about two new real-life stories called A String of bad Luck and From A Pandemic to a Santuary. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please share it with others, support the show by clicking on the link in the description, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!