Expired Relationships (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Expired Relationships and Breaking Habits.

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Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #111 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Expired Relationships and Breaking Habits.

Expired Relationships
When it was Grandma Sandy's funeral, Uncle Sheldon and my brothers briefly stood around one another, and I believe one of my brothers or my uncle said that it was the last time our relatives would all gather together. Too many of us didn't like one another, and I didn't even know why. But one thing was clear: Grandma was the glue of the family, and now that she was gone, there was nothing to hold us all together. What was to become of the family that was never close for the most part?

It was true; ever since Grandma died nearly twenty years ago, I never saw most of my relatives. I only saw one or two – my cousin and his mom. I rarely saw my siblings or parents because my mom sent me away at five, and after that, I hardly saw them. That was just the way it was. Mom made it that way. She made my siblings pit against each other by comparing us. With six kids, we were never what you would call a close or united family. It was a rarity if you ever found us all together; Mom ensured it. 

My younger sister was missing from the funeral because Mom said she couldn't go. She didn't want her relatives to know my younger sister was a single mom and divorced. The same thing happened when I got married; I wanted to make it an occasion where we would all be together, but Mom didn't allow it. I don't know what happened when Grandpa died because I didn't know about it until after the fact.

At least one, two, or three of us were absent for every big occasion. It wasn't because someone couldn't make it; it was because Mom said so, and that was just our nuclear family, never mind the other relatives! We all came to accept it and never bothered to forge any bond between any of us. It's sad but true. Today, I acknowledge our sibling relationships expired a long time ago. They actually never existed.

I grew up with my grandparents' family. When I went to college, I didn't see much of them anymore. I was close to Grandma and my aunties growing up, but that was it. I called Auntie Cassie often after I got married, and we'd chat up a storm. I called her 100% of the time. She never called me, and I stopped when I got tired of initiating every call. And that was how that relationship ended. 

Auntie Tessa seemed to have gotten mad at me after I married. Over the phone, I discussed with her the difficulty of knowing what to get for my mother-in-law because she had everything money could buy. I asked for suggestions and didn't get any. I was so frustrated that I told her to tell me what she wanted when she got married. She got angry and hung up on me. Since she was angry, I thought I would give her space and hoped she would call me later. She never did. It wasn't too surprising because I always initiated the calling. Once more, I was wrong about our relationship. I think I had two aunties who were like big sisters to me growing up, but they never cared to keep in contact with me. Those two relationships expired long before I acknowledged it. I thought you could communicate and sort things out in good relationships, but I was wrong. You can't talk when the other parties don't want to make the connection.

I have no close relatives. Some people seem to think something is wrong with me, and I feel bad about it. But today, I no longer feel that way because I know I tried to connect repeatedly. It is tiresome to try to relate with others who don't care. I stopped trying, started accepting it, and moved on.

I have had some boyfriends. Of course, there were the good times and the breakups. Such is the nature of engaging in relationships. Those, too, I learned to accept a beginning and an ending. Friendships also have a start and an end for one reason or another. Often, it was because I was moving or relocating, and the distance could not have us maintain them. Other times, people have a change in their life, such as having a baby or a family and a career that gives little time for anything else. Co-worker relationships can quickly expire when we change jobs or positions. Those and other relations can appear to expire without notice naturally.

Relationships with relatives, partners, co-workers, friends, and acquaintances can expire anytime. Things happen or change regardless of how we may try to hold on to them. What we can do is treasure the moments that we do have with people we interact with. After all, all we have is each moment, so we can't take it for granted.

Breaking Habits
I had a habit of judging a guy on whether I liked him or not on the first date. I had a habit of ending relationships even if they were going well. I even habitually broke off friendships when there was the slightest issue. Weighty reasons made them into habits. I am usually punctual. I usually finish what I start. I often follow through with what I say. Even my strong suits are a reflection of something from the past. I hold grudges against those who wronged me. My first impressions of others determine what I think of them. I tend to be on the quiet side. My weaknesses have their reasons behind them. It is difficult to break patterns when there are strong reasons behind them. So, when you want to break the habits, how can you do it?

Wesley was late for our first date; I didn’t want to see him again. Brett said I was strange for not having a car; my friend Lisa defended me and said I had been to more places than he ever did, and it was true. Brett offended me, and I refused another date with him. Matt said I was beautiful and captured his heart; he took me to a fancy restaurant and spoke sweet words any girl would like to hear, but they all sounded like what you heard on TV shows or movies. He must have learned them from there. They sounded insincere; I would not have a second date with him. Frank was a nice guy, with nothing that stood out for me, and there was no chemistry between us. A second date was unwanted. 

For one reason or another, I had many first dates instead of second or third dates because I judged or made my decision from the first impressions. I deemed myself correct in my judgments and continued the habit for many years. My friends told me I was too quick to judge or didn’t give others a fighting chance. I maintained that my judgments were correct, and they were! And then, I met Anson. 

I was in a happy place in my life where taking personal development courses had me improve myself and feel joy. Anson, a blind date, gave me a negative impression when I first met him. He did not come out of his car to greet me the first time because it was drizzling outside. He was ten minutes late; I was not happy about that. I was sure I didn’t want to see him again, but I consciously tried to break my habit or do the usual thing I did. My inner voice said to stop being judgmental and give the guy a chance. I gave Anson a second date. He was a nice guy, but there was no chemistry on my end. We had one date after another, and there was still no chemistry, and I had no feelings for him. I only thought he was gentlemanly, and it was nice being wined and dined. Anson continued the chase until I married him. But I later divorced him. I proclaimed my first impressions accurate and returned to my habit. However, I decided I should give others more of a chance, and on the off chance that a first impression was wrong, I would have a few more dates before ending one I did not like.

Once in a relationship, I was often the one who eventually ended it. You could say it was my judging habit at work, but this particular habit had deep roots and years of no therapy to try to figure it out. I discovered the reason behind this habit after an intense personal development course. It was a shocking, eye-opening moment. Whether relationships were going well or not, I would end them all because I was afraid of abandonment. 

My fear of abandonment began when Mom sent me away to live with Grandma when I was five. The little girl in me was gravely affected by it. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I vowed never to be abandoned again. How could I ensure such a thing? The answer is leaving others before they ever do it to me! I successfully accomplished it 99% of the time. Though I discovered why I habitually dumped boyfriends, friends, or relatives, it didn’t stop it altogether. However, whenever I have the urge, I remind myself what was at work and stop my automatic response from being too quick to dump.

Being punctual, finishing what you start, and saying what you mean and meaning what you say are all habits you might like and want to keep. However, I find it interesting that I have those persistent habits. You have good practices that continue for a reason, too. Knowing may help to break habits you don’t want to keep.

Others have asked me how to be a punctual person. I thought it was a natural and reasonable thing to do, but when asked about it many times, I stopped to think about it. There was a reason behind it, and it is that reason that drives me to be frequently punctual! Yes, something motivates a habit, whether you know it or not!

Since my fear of abandonment started at age five, the painful emotions revolved around me and pressed me down. I didn’t want others to feel that; I could empathize with it and want to give others the peace of mind I wished I had. I am punctual because I want others to know they can count on me to be there for them. After all, that little five-year-old girl in me desperately wished someone was there for her.

Why do I need to finish something I started? If I don’t, it is like leaving something hanging in limbo. There is no clear conclusion or result, and the uneasy feeling would persist. It is like little Emily sitting there waiting for Mom to come to get her, but she never does. Little Emily grew up to be big Emily, who refuses to leave others hanging there and wondering because she knows the feeling all too well. So, I live with persistence to finish what I start.

Why do I say what I mean and mean what I say? Simply put, I wish others would do it. Being on the receiving end, I know broken promises hurt. I know words with no follow-through bruise. Beaten and battered, I wish not to inflict it on others. I give what I want. Words matter; they affect and influence people. Doesn’t everybody want someone they can trust and count on?

Knowing my strengths and the driving forces behind them keeps them in place and gives insights into the pull behind the negative habits. 

My negative acts of holding grudges, judging quickly and speaking silently pull me down and into the ground to bury me alive. If I don’t grab them from the collar, will any life be left in me? The years go by, and I feel less energy and vitality. It is hard to breathe in the ground, so if I want to live more comfortably, I must find a way to rise from under the earth.

With some self-analysis, I believe I hold grudges because I make other parties wrong and myself the self-righteous being no one likes. How disgusting! I must eliminate that beast! With a bit of conscious effort, I injure the monster and relieve some pain. Like a balloon, my grudges gave life for the monster to grow. Granting the courage from within, I pop the balloon, let some air into the atmosphere, and breathe easier while the devil in me dies. When I sense the next grudge coming on, I remember my self-righteousness can only vacuum the air out of me and kill my vitality. I let go of being right to lasso the beast because my life and breath are more important.

My habit of being quiet is me not expressing my thoughts and feelings aloud. You might sometimes say when there is too much bottled inside, you will explode and scream at people or blow them into smithereens. It’s like saying that sometimes you might get used to it and consider it a standard way of being. And you end up suppressed and dissatisfied; you allow some freedom and happiness to escape you. This habit of not speaking my mind has pained me long enough! 

Sometimes, it takes courage and strength to speak your mind. Maybe I didn’t have much before. Perhaps I was unaware of it or didn’t notice its crucial role in self-expression and leadership. During the raging pandemic, a passion revealed itself, and my unspoken, hidden, or inner voice appeared. You can see my voice on the printed pages of my books. You can hear my voice in the stories I speak in my podcast. I may walk softly, but I can roar like a lion. The sight of my silent habit is disappearing to go to Jupiter. Feeling free from the pull of bad habits is all worth it. 

Learning the driving forces behind habits, consciously eliminating or minimizing their existence, and replacing them with ones that give you joy and contentment are essential. Break your negative habits and form positive ones; your power to do it is already there; take it out and use it!

Key Takeaways: Though many relationships expire for one reason or another, we can treasure what was and develop new ones.

Though we have good and bad habits, it’s food for thought to know their roots and learn from them.

Next week, you will hear about two new real-life stories called  The People I Carry and Ordinary yet Exraordinary. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please share it with others, support the show by clicking on the link in the description, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!