Feeling Trapped, Part II (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Feeling Trapped, Part II  and My Road to Fame and Fortune.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #109 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Feeling Trapped, Part II and My Road to Fame and Fortune.

Feeling Trapped, Part II
Trapped because I was too young to be on my own, stopped because I had no money for college, and imprisoned by a love that would go nowhere, I faced these boulders before I was even eighteen. As if that was not enough, more boulders rolled my way. Could I escape and survive more entrapment?

Over ten years later, what was supposed to be a happy occasion turned out to be a horror story. I married a kind, gentlemanly man who became an anal and controlling monster. My eyes were wide open, yet a nice man seemed to turn into a cruel human overnight. Our marriage was like living in a minefield. It was like walking on eggshells. You never know when you could step on an eggshell, crack it, and then Anson would reveal his explosive temper. His tantrums were so loud and lengthy that you would feel like you stepped on a minefield. The excruciating pain would last about two hours because that was how long Anson needed to scream at me until he had had his fill.

Never knowing what would trigger it, I was anxiety-ridden trying to figure out what I would do that would have Anson explode. His fits were worse than dynamite blowing up in your face. It would last two hours, and the side effects would be weeks, months, or years of emotional pain. His screaming lectures about how right he was in everything and how wrong I was about everything could make you fall to your knees. I certainly felt like I was on my knees begging him to stop, and yet he would not stop until his two hours were up. I endured it for seven years.

What did I do during those seven years? I tried to figure out what I could do to make it better. I tried to determine what the triggers were for the explosions. I asked his brother for help in understanding. His mom offered for me to stay with her if I were scared or needed time away from him. My male friends spent time with him to see if they could give me any insights. Nothing seemed to help until I decided to take a personal development course in Landmark Education.

From the mirrors of listening to other people's stories, I saw myself. The picture did not look good. I tried pleasing a husband who would never be satisfied because he was an ultimate perfectionist and control freak. My efforts would not result in anything positive. I trapped myself in a marriage where I saw no way out because divorce was not an option for me. As if watching a movie where a woman endured emotional abuse, my future looked bleak; what could I do?

Looking in the mirror again and again, I pondered. I decided that my happiness and freedom were more important than trying to please someone who could not be satisfied. In my state of being, I was not good for anyone. I could not make a difference for anyone unless I had myself. I needed to find the lost me. The me that I was before marrying Anson was accomplished and confident. I knew my self-worth came from within; I knew I was worthy. Yet I tolerated years of emotional abuse from this man. My weakness was always tolerating things that made me unhappy. 

I decided I needed to put a stop to it. I exhausted my options; I would not regret it because I tried all I knew to improve it. With clarity, the wounded me mustered the strength and stood up to file for divorce. I never thought I could or would do it, but I did it. My happiness and freedom were more important than being stuck with a controlling and abusive husband.

Divorced and happy, freedom was delicious. I must have been a glutton for punishment because I engaged in another relationship that was not meant to be. Devin was the boyfriend I got along with very well. We hardly ever fought. Each time it seemed like we disagreed, it would turn into playful disagreement and laughter, and then we'd drop it. Spending time with Devin was easy and comfortable. The best thing about our relationship was that I felt free to be myself. Devin accepted me as I was. He never criticized me, asked, or demanded that I be anything other than myself. Devin said I was beautiful inside and outside. He was like this throughout our nine-year relationship; he called me daily, and we saw each other almost every day.

Devin sounded like the one I would marry. He had proposed, but we never made it to the altar. The relationship had many thorns, and the pain of them was hard to bear. His business was his priority; it was always more important than anything else. Devin made a lot of money but was also a big spender. He spent so much that it scared me; I would not be financially safe if I married him. I was not too fond of his lifestyle related to the business. He got up late and went to sleep well after 2 a.m. He was constantly on the phone talking business and was not present to me frequently. He had other obligations I could not compete with, and the many thorns always jabbed at me. My head wanted to leave him, but my heart wanted to be with him. Devin also refused to part with me. I was trapped; I allowed myself to be trapped. I loved the taste of freedom; how did I let this happen?

Year after year, I didn't find my way out. And year after year, I did not forget about my situation. I think I resorted to hoping for a miracle to release me from the enormous magnet that held me close to Devin. Then, one day, the tsunami came, and I didn't see it coming. It crashed on me and nearly drowned me to death. Devin informed me that he had cheated on me, and that was the end of us. I think that needed to happen. Otherwise, we would never part. As devastating as it was, it was for the best in the long term. Today, I am glad for the freedom from it all. Freedom is too sweet.

If you've ever gotten trapped in relationships without knowing how to break free, you know how sweet freedom is. Even if you break free physically and never see the person again, the memories could still haunt you and make you feel caged. The heartbreak and devastation from the breakup with Devin broke me. When he appeared in my dreams once a year, I knew something was amiss. I thought I was over him, but I had gotten trapped in a nightmare that continued for ten years. His appearance in my dreams scared me, and I wanted the devil to be gone forever. But how could I make it go away?

I escaped to a tropical island to forget him, and I did, at least in my conscious world. I enjoyed life far away from him and thought I recovered from the devastation. But I was wrong because he came to me in my dreams. Once or twice a year, he would appear in my dreams, and I would awake frightened and angry that he was in my dreams. After ten years of such nightmares, I said enough was enough! I decided to tackle this problem and rid Devin from my life. Jailed with Devin somewhere in the recesses of my mind was no longer acceptable. I went to where I could find miracles, and it helped me gain some perspectives I could not imagine: Landmark Education.

In the class, I heard a woman sharing about her misery. The woman couldn't find a way to forgive because someone had wronged her. The facilitator asked her how long she was going to punish herself. The question hit me hard. My eye-opening moment came, and it shifted my perception. It was now crystal clear to me. Devin had wronged me; I made him wrong for ten years, and I suffered silently for ten years because I refused to forgive him. I also refused to forgive myself for being in a relationship with him. I didn't know how to forgive him, so I couldn't do it. I didn't realize I had punished myself for ten years and made myself suffer because I refused to forgive him or myself. The discovery woke me up. I didn't want to continue inflicting pain on myself. It didn't matter that Devin had wronged me anymore. What was crucial was that I alleviated myself from the pain. I did so by declaring aloud: I forgive Devin and myself. Suddenly, a light sensation like a soaring bird appeared in my mind, and I felt free as if floating on a cloud. It was magic. Imprisoned for ten years, I unlocked the door to freedom.

My Road to Fame and Fortune
I want to tell you that Netflix discovered me and asked if they could use my material for a drama series. I jumped up, screaming: “I can’t believe it; I can’t believe it!” Miracles do happen. My life, full of adversities, was finally marked worthy of a series. I wonder why they thought me worthy. Were my stories good food for thought? Did they lift the spirits? Were they inspiring and eye-opening? I hope the viewers on Netflix will be moved, touched, and inspired by the end of each episode. I can’t wait to see how they will bring my real-life stories into reality on screen!

I want you to know that Netflix noticed me after hearing about me in Oprah’s Book Club. I want to tell you that Oprah accidentally saw my book Moments of Adversity: Real-life Stories of Overcoming Challenges. She was so touched that she looked at what other books I might have written. Oprah proceeded to read Moments of Encounters: Real-life Stories of Gripping Encounters. She continued to read Moments of Perspectives: Real-life Stories of Distinctive Perspectives. Oprah couldn’t believe that an unknown author had more books she could read, and she shared two more with her book club fans: Moments of Pain to Perspectives: How to Find Relief from Grief and Moments of Distress to Delight: How to Progress from Stress. 

I want to tell you that the encounters with the Netflix people and Oprah’s entourage were real, but they were a figment of my imagination. But please don’t dismiss me. It is a dream I want to come true. You see, the little Emily in me who had no voice because she was silenced as a child always dreamed of having her voice heard. She had many stories, ideas, and feelings trapped inside of her. Emily desperately searched all her life to find a way for her voice to be heard. She thought becoming a teacher would do it, but the subject matter was not inspiring. She hoped that becoming an entrepreneur and going on stage to train and motivate people would be the answer. It satisfied the soul, but the opportunity to be on stage to speak wasn’t frequent enough. Well into middle age, the search continued.

Then, the global pandemic hit. No one could give me an answer as to how long the frightening and deadly virus would continue to kill. Amid the unrest and chaos around me, I found writing comforting. I began writing many stories of adversity. Surprisingly, I realized many eye-opening moments, and writing became therapeutic. I thought I had found a new passion. I did, but I also found another one: Podcasting. Writing put my inside voice into print; you can see it. But podcasting put my voice out where you can hear it.

I dream; I can dream anything and have a chance to make it a reality. Dreaming is free, so don’t stop dreaming like it couldn’t be a reality, I tell myself. The road to fame and fortune begins with a dream. I want Oprah to discover my books. I wish Netflix would call me about making my books into a drama series. I want millions of people to hear my voice on my podcast. I have a voice, and I want to be heard. With the help of Oprah and Netflix, I could quit my job and spend all my time doing what I love: Writing and podcasting. I don’t need fame and fortune; I want you to hear my voice. I want you to hear my pain and joy. It is yours too. It soothes the soul and could do the same for you, too.

Key Takeaways: Though I was trapped in a marriage, I escaped in a divorce. Though I was trapped in another relationship, I learned to forgive and escaped entrapment.

Though I have yet to be discovered by Netflix and Oprah, I can still dream and work on making it a reality.

Next week, you will hear about two real-life stories called Feeling Trapped, Part III and When I Began to Value Myself. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please share it with others, support the show by clicking on the link in the description, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!