Controlling Husband (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Controlling Husband  and Betrayed.

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Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #104 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Controlling Husband and Betrayed.

Controlling Husband
He controlled how I spent my money even though I had a career of my own. He controlled who could come to our house even though we were married. It never occurred to me that I had a controlling husband until a friend mentioned it to me. Even then, I had to look it up online to realize I had a controlling husband. Now that I knew, how would I survive my marriage any longer? How was I going to stop living a life in a minefield?

Anson had a friend named Chuck who was in the life insurance business. He told me Chuck and his wife Lynn would come over and talk to us about life insurance. He told me to listen and that we would not buy any. As it turned out, Chuck and Lynn came to our house and told us the benefits of purchasing a particular type of life insurance. They quickly sold me on the value of it. I asked to complete and sign the necessary paperwork. Anson also filled out his application. All was done, and the night was young. I was feeling happy. I had taken another step towards securing my financial future.

Soon after Chuck and Lynn left, I was in for the shock of my life. My head started feeling strained, and later, it started feeling dizzy, and it got dizzier. The sounds I heard seemed to be in the distance; my limbs felt weak to have the strength to fight or stand up. I think it was because of a lack of sleep and what Anson did.

Chuck and Lynn left around nine o’clock at night. Anson began hollering at me for having bought the life insurance. He said he told me we would only listen and not purchase anything. He said I went ahead and bought it, so he had to buy it, too. I almost felt like I was a child being reprimanded for not listening. But I was an adult, and I had long practiced making decisions for myself since I was a kid and got emancipated at age seventeen. Why did I need to listen to Anson about what to do with my life? No one ever demanded that of me before I got married! I concluded that maybe I didn’t understand what it meant to be married. This incident happened early in our marriage.

Anson yelled at me from 9 p.m. until 5 a.m. He screamed at me for buying the life insurance without his permission. The words that came out of his mouth were not so much about the product purchased but that he did not grant permission. And I did not know I needed permission to buy what I wanted. Anson would not stop the hollering for hours on end. I was not allowed to go to sleep until he said so. I stayed sitting as I felt like I was going to faint. I had never experienced anyone yelling at me for more than half an hour in my life. And now that I was married, I got a husband who would not stop screaming for hours. Nothing could stop him. Being silent didn’t help. Responding didn’t work. Nothing I said seemed to change the course of his roaring voice that was filled with anger. He demanded that I understand how wrong I was, and he needed to keep going until he felt he had said enough. I was not allowed to leave his presence. When I said I needed to go to the bathroom, he followed me to continue reprimanding me. 

The name-calling, the belittling, and the accusations of my wrongdoing didn’t stop until five o’clock in the morning. It stopped when I said I needed to get ready before going to work, and it was then that Anson finally stopped yelling at me. His voice became hoarse for all the hours of bellowing. 

I endured eight long hours of my husband yelling at me. I lost one entire night of sleep, but luckily, when I went to work, I was in the presence of joy teaching my students. When it was time to go home, I didn’t want to go home. 

I only thought of how I could avoid another minefield. I also thought about how stupid I was to have married Anson. Maybe I was not cut out for marriage. I had lived a life making many decisions on my own and prided myself on being financially independent at seventeen. I didn’t think I could be okay about asking permission and being treated like a child when I wasn’t even treated like a child when I was a child! Anson had succeeded in making me feel like a child, and his demeaning words hurt. I didn’t think anything could be more painful than when my mom tossed me out at five. I wanted to stab myself for being so stupid as to have such a husband, and I didn’t even know that was called controlling behavior. I only thought of the monster that didn’t reveal itself until we got married.

On a rare occasion, I bought a dress when I went shopping with my sister. I happily showed it to my husband. He yelled at me for two hours because I didn’t ask his permission to make the purchase. My co-worker came to visit me at our new house. I told Anson over dinner, and he threw a fit for two hours because I didn’t ask permission to have a guest at our home. I wasn’t trying to be defiant; I didn’t think I needed permission to do those things. And on second thought, why do I need permission? 

Anson seemed to need two hours of screaming at me to be satisfied. It was hard to bear, but it was better than that one time of EIGHT HOURS of yelling at me. Worse to tolerate was being unable to predict when I would get yelled at or what could cause him to get into his raging temper. Walking on eggshells in this marriage gave me a miserable life at home.

Anson said he was the man of the house, so he would make the physical payment for everything, and if I needed anything else, he gave me twenty dollars in cash for the month. When I got my paycheck, he would ask that I give it to him to deposit. Early in the marriage, I didn’t mind. He paid for everything using our joint account, and I didn’t need money for anything else. Little did I know that it was one of his ways of controlling me. Call me naïve; I’ve been called many names by him already. And you are a distant sound I don’t want to hear.

You would think you could relax at home wearing sweats or comfortable clothes. No, I could not. Anson didn’t like it. He wanted me to dress in “nicer” clothes even if we were home all day on the weekend. If I did not comply, he would be lecturing me about not caring for myself and keeping myself looking beautiful for him. I opted to abide instead of listening to his two-hour lectures. I didn’t know this was yet another characteristic of a controlling person. It’s always in hindsight that you can see it. You can’t step outside yourself to see it when you are deep in the scenes. Call it a blind spot I didn’t realize I had. I was too busy trying to deal with the situation I got myself into in the marriage.

Every other weekend, Anson and I would go shopping together. It was a fun outing as I felt like Santa Claus was in town to grant me what I wished. Little did I know that Anson had another sneaky way of controlling me. He wanted to see what I wanted to buy. Anson wanted to know what I wanted to eat or drink. Since I got what I wanted, I suppose, in his mind, he was approving, and I thought Santa Claus had come to town.

It used to be that we both got home at 5 p.m. But I found it difficult to deal with Anson if I arrived home at the same time he did. He wanted dinner when he got home. He was used to that when he lived with his mother, and I guess he expected the same. I explained that I had a career while his mom didn’t. Still, he fussed about it and said I could get home earlier since school kids got out at 3 p.m. I explained that I needed to check student work and write lesson plans. He wouldn’t hear it and deemed my career less important, and that family (or him) was first. Goodness! His mother raised a spoiled child! To solve the problem, I went to work earlier and came home at 3 p.m. to ensure dinner was ready when he got home. 

Sometimes, I would be on the phone with a friend when he got home. Dinner was ready, but I didn’t give him my full attention since I could still be on the phone. And then he suggested that there was no need to be on the phone other than to communicate important information. In other words, he didn’t get that people sometimes chat on the phone. Instead of listening to his reprimands, I adjusted my actions again. I made sure dinner was ready by five, and if I wanted to chat on the phone with a friend, I would also need to finish that by 5 p.m. I did all that to avoid the pain of hearing him scream for two hours.

Whenever Anson had friends who asked him out for some fun activity, he would ask me to tag along. If I didn’t go with him, he would not go. And it was his friends! I told him it would be okay if he went without me, but he wouldn’t go. I thought he loved me so much that he wanted to always be with me. Unbeknownst to me, it was his insecurity speaking. He needed to know what I was doing or where I was all the time. By going with him, he would know where I was and what I was doing. If I said I would be home, he couldn’t be sure. That is his low self-esteem at work, I say. Of course, it didn’t occur to me that it was yet another form of control that he wanted.

Though there were many signs of a controlling husband, I didn’t see it as such. Engrossed in how I was to improve my marriage, all I could think of was what other approach I could take or what other actions I could take to make it better. I wanted to make the marriage work but was running out of ideas. I couldn’t accept failure, and I needed a miracle. Luckily, I knew where to look: Landmark Education (a worldwide personal development program). 

I signed up for a course. The goal was to see how I could save my marriage. I never thought I would leave my marriage because I was not a quitter. But while in the course, I had time to see myself in the mirror through other people’s sharing. My story was not the same as theirs, but my experience of misery was the same, and my emotions of pain were the same. 

I also remembered my younger sister sharing her experience in the Landmark Forum. She said it was like watching a movie about herself, and she didn’t like the movie. It was as if a part of herself stepped outside herself, and then she saw the horrible life she was living. I, too, had difficulty with my marriage and couldn’t see clearly. I couldn’t see that I had a controlling husband. It was when I stepped outside of myself that I saw myself. I was an emotionally abused woman, and it was heartbreaking. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn’t recognize that person. It was not the me I worked so hard all my life to be: A strong and independent woman. Suddenly, I woke up and chose myself. 

I decided to be the strong and independent woman that was inside of me. I refused to continue to be mistreated and abused any longer. I refused to allow myself to continue to be broken down by a controlling husband. Courage stepped forward, and the eye-opening moment swiftly led me to get a divorce and reclaim my freedom, independence, and happiness. Once more, I remind myself that the choice and the power are in my hands. My savior is the person in the mirror; she was there all along. I only needed to face her, and she would write the story I wanted for my life.

Betrayed
Betrayed by my ex-boyfriend, who cheated on me, I was devastated.

Tossed out by Mom when I was five, I acted like an unwanted and unloved child.

Belittled by relatives who ignored my opinions, my voice became silent.

Demeaned by my uncles, who told me I didn’t belong; I was alone. 

Bullied by the boys at my elementary school, I only tried to avoid them.

Lied to by Auntie Tessa to cover up why she took a break from college, I was troubled.

Abused by my husband, who screamed at me for hours, I endured misery.

Fooled by my boss, who said I would be promoted, the dynamite in me exploded.

Disrespected by many, I didn’t know what to do about it and was at a loss.

Invaded by people who didn’t respect my privacy, I sunk and tolerated it.

Endured the pain I did, and I suffered miserably.

And then I woke up to realizations that gave me life to breathe more easily.

Betrayed, I left my cheating boyfriend.

Lied to, I disassociated with Auntie Tessa.

Tossed out, I ended up in the loving hands of Grandma.

Belittled, I grew up to find my voice as a teacher, presenter, writer, and podcaster.

Demeaned, I found myself belonging to a unique group of my own.

Fooled, I found side hustles I’m passionate about.

Disrespected, I began to stand up for myself,

Abused, I divorced my husband.

Bullied, I fight back with words to demand a stop to it.

Invaded, I demand my privacy restored.

Take action to fight the evildoers; I did, and I slept better.

Eye-opening moments helped me steer my life direction with strength and courage.

Key Takeaways: . Though I had a controlling husband, I learned lessons to have me appreciate and value the taste of freedom.

Though I was betrayed, belittled, demeaned, bullied, abused, fooled, disrespected, and more,  I awoke to learn lessons, fight back, and stand up for myself.

Next week, you will hear about two real-life stories called How I Met My Dates and From Dissatisfaction to Satisfaction. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please share it with others, support the show by clicking on the link in the description, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!